Mom Challenge.....Day 7

Day 7: Leave a sweet note for them.

This was fun. I wrote a little note for all of the kiddos and left them on their pillows. It was cute to see them see their note and read it and see a smile spread across their face. Nick came and gave me one of his giant hugs that I just love! I sometimes leave notes in lunches for my big kids but haven't for the ones at home since they can't read. I think I underestimated what a note could do to bring out a smile. Alexis might not be able to read but she recognizes her name and when Skylar read her note to her she smiled big, even though she's been feeling lousy today. I'm glad I could do something to make her smile. I know this is something I'll do again!!

As for my sweet angel boys, I wrote them notes too. My therapist has actually been asking me to do this for little Reese for awhile. I just haven't felt up to it. When Gabriel died I would write to him often and that helped. I haven't written to him in a long time and so it was good. He's been on my mind so much lately as his birthday is approaching this week, along with all of the painful reminders that it brings. My heart aches as that milestone is hitting again. But it's also been okay too. It's hard to explain, but I am at peace with his death now. I will still miss him every single moment of the rest of my life, but I know he's where he's supposed to be. I know that he's here too. I know he helps me every single day. I know he is part of the tender mercies that the Lord sends me.
 
With Reese, I'm not at peace. I'm still just trying to survive and honestly, I haven't had the energy or desire yet to write those words to him. In so many ways his death has been so much harder than Gabriel's and yet I don't feel like I've been allowed to grieve or talk about him by so many because no one will talk to me, no one knows what to say. I've kept a lot of my thoughts inside. It's been like a crushing weight on my heart but I just didn't feel like I could do it....to actually get some of those dark painful feelings down on paper. It was time to take that challenge and write to him and let him know that as much as my heart hurts that he's not here, as hard as it is to go through this again, how truly unfair this seems, that I am thankful that he came for the short time he did because he brought me true happiness for the first time in so long. It was healing and I'm glad I did it.

I love all of you my sweet babies....Skylar, Nick, Kade, Alexis, Gabriel, and Reese! Thank you for letting me be your momma!!