Mom Challenge....Day 21

Day 21: Forgive yourself when you mess up.

Oh man, this is something I guess I need to do more often because I struggle with it since I mess up so often. I'm really trying to just not mess up as much and this challenge has helped me with it. I guess I need to forgive myself when I do, because of course I'm bound to mess up, and knowing me, that will be A LOT!!

 Yesterday, I was having a majorly tough day sending the kids off on their first day of school. I hate sending them and want them here so we can do fun things and make good memories. The first day of school is always hard for me, but this year it was especially hard again, knowing that soon my little Lex will be in Joy school, and once again, I'll be all alone, instead of having the anticipation of a sweet baby here soon to fill my time and aching arms. I was trying to keep a good attitude but then Alexis started crying about missing her brothers and sister at school and I just kind of lost it. I wish so badly that her baby brothers were here to keep her company. I wish she had the baby she so wants herself. I hate that she's the "youngest child" when she's not. The rest of the day I was kind of a sobby mess.

    I had an appointment with my therapist and I cried the whole way there, the whole time there, and the whole way back. When I was at the therapist I told her how awful I felt for failing my kids.....both my living kids and my little ones in heaven. I hate how much the loss of my babies has made my heart ache so badly and that I've been so depressed about it. I hate that I've changed from the mom my kids used to know. I know I'm still a fun mom, but it's not as natural as it used to be. There's always our babies missing. I hate that they have the loss of their brothers to live with their whole life. I've grown up missing a sister all of my life. I know it hurts. I hate that my body failed my little ones. I know that their plan was to only come here for a short time, but I still feel a responsibility to have gotten them here safely. There's still plenty of guilt in that that maybe I did something wrong. Even with Gabriel's death being a cord accident and my blood tests from Reese's death coming back perfectly normal, I still feel like I failed them. I hate knowing that they can see me and that they know how sad I am. I know that they would want me to be happy. I feel guilty for messing up all of my kids' lives. My therapist said I need to forgive myself because none of this is my fault. Grief is normal and she thinks I'm actually doing great because I'm facing it head on. Grief is even normal for kids to see and feel themselves, although most are lucky enough to never have to. She thinks I'm doing well there too....to let them know that it's okay to be sad our babies aren't here and that we can still love them and talk about them. Still, I can't help but feel so awful about all of this. Blah. I definitely didn't forgive myself for messing up yesterday, but I hope that some day I might be able to.