Sunday, April 21, 2013

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

I have a diagnosis and a heavy heart...but there is hope. Keep your fingers crossed. 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for Spring Break and that it allows me to have so much fun with my kids. I'm just plain exhausted after this week, which is a good sign. I love those littles of mine!!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Happy Birthday Mr McKade!!!!

It's GratiTuesday and I can't help but be humbled and full of gratitude that this kid gets to be mine:

 Don't you just want to eat him up? Those chubby cheeks and big brown eyes make me swoon. Back when he was a baby I would always say he was a sad soul because he never smiled. We've figured out that it was because his cheeks were just too darn heavy to do so because now he smiles constantly! 
 Our Mr. Kade is such blast to have in our house! Really, this kid is just such a fun one and he always keeps us smiling and laughing. He's such a goofball, is so full of energy, and just excited about every single thing (minus cleaning up his room). I sure do love my Mr. McKade and am so thankful that I get to be his momma. He's been my very favorite surprises ever! Happy Birthday Kadybug!!!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

GratiTuesday: He knows

It's been a very long and lonely three years of feeling like this....

    Today, after seeking for answers, I got the slightest sliver of hope....but I didn't get as much as I wanted and so I doubted even that sliver. In tears, I turned again to the sweet notes my visiting teacher and others made me for something, anything to boost me up. I read,  Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

   I am thankful for the reminder that He knows just how I feel, He knows the answers and can direct me if I seek them, and He has the hope I need, even when I lack it.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

GratiTuesday: Spiritually: I smile

I've been in such a rut lately. I've totally felt like this:
Except I'd switch the spiritually and physically around, because physically, I'm pretty banged up, which is making it hard to smile and I do kind of feel like death....although I'm sure death doesn't ache so bad. Haha.

Spiritually, although I feel at a loss of what I'm supposed to do with my life right now, I am thankful that I can still find a reason to smile (even if it's hard!) because I know who I am and I know God's plan....his eternal plan. I know the things that I am supposed to do to please Him and I'm trying my hardest to do those things. That's what keeps me going, knowing that even if I feel like the above in all other ways, my Heavenly Father knows what is right for me and my Savior knows exactly how I feel. Even if I don't have the things I desperately want right now, I know I have better things waiting for me and I'm praying every single minute for the patience to endure well enough to get those things....even if I have to wait a lifetime....I know they're coming. I guess, that's reason enough to be extremely thankful and I am. It's a true blessing to know who you are and to know there's a plan. I am grateful every single moment for that knowledge...and gratitude always seems to help me in my ruts. I'm thankful to have GratiTuesdays back.

Sticking Around

Well, I guess I'm sticking around. Thank you to those of you that left comments to let me know that you're still here. I'm thankful for the dear friend that reminded me I wouldn't even know her without my blog, I'm thankful for the friend that found comfort during her own miscarriage that she felt she couldn't share about, I'm thankful for the friend who I haven't seen in years that wants to know what my crazy old family is up to, I'm thankful for the friends that said their testimonies were strengthened by my faith in my trials, I'm thankful for the friend who has completely different trials than I do but was helped because I shared my own, I'm thankful for the friends that said I was amazing for being brave enough to share, especially when I really don't feel that way at all, I'm thankful for the friend who found courage to share her feelings on her own heartaches on her blog, hoping that she could help another too, and I'm very thankful for the strangers that commented....the ones that had found comfort and encouragement in their own heartaches....without ever having met me. I guess if I can help one person to get through losing a baby, to know that they are not alone, or to give them hope through their heartache, then this blog is worth something. Because, the truth is, I'm doing it. I'm surviving. This is the worst nightmare ever, but somehow I'm doing it. I've survived 2 1/2 years without my little Gabriel and 9 months without my Reese. Although some days seem absolutely hopeless that I'll ever feel the happiness in this life that I once did, I know that I will make it, and that one day I will have all my babies in my arms and it will be nothing short of amazing!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Should I stay or should I go now?

So I haven't felt much up to blogging lately. I actually haven't felt much up to do anything, but I thought that I'd have all of this time of not being able to do anything that would give me the chance to catch up on my blog. Obviously that is not happened since I'm feeling in a rut with this whole blogging thing. In fact, I'm wondering if I should do it at all.

   Soon after I started my blog, I knew that there was more to it than just a chance to document the goings on of my family. I realized it was an opportunity to share my testimony about the gospel of Jesus Christ and my belief in the church that I belong to, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Elder M. Russell Ballard reaffirmed that when he spoke about the importance of blogs and using our voices on the internet by saying, " You have a great opportunity to be a powerful force for good in the Church and in the world. There is truth in the old adage that “the pen is mightier than the sword.”  In many cases it is with words that you will accomplish the great things that you set out to do."

    He went on to say, "Now, may I ask that you join the conversation by participating on the Internet to share the gospel and to explain in simple and clear terms the message of the Restoration. Most of you already know that if you have access to the Internet you can start a blog in minutes and begin sharing what you know to be true. You can download videos from Church and other appropriate sites, including, and send them to your friends. You can write to media sites on the Internet that report on the Church and voice your views as to the accuracy of the reports. This, of course, requires that you understand the basic principles of the gospel. It is essential that you are able to offer a clear and correct witness of gospel truths. It is also important that you and the people to whom you testify understand that you do not speak for the Church as a whole. You speak as one member—but you testify of the truths you have come to know."

  That is what I've tried to do. I've kept my blog public for this reason. As I hit the greatest trials of my life, the loss of my sweet little Gabriel....and then my little Reese, I continued to keep it public. I was very open with my heartache over their losses, but I've also tried to share that I have a strong testimony in the Plan of Salvation and that I have no doubt in my mind that I will see my babies again.  It has been very therapeutic for me to get out my feelings. Rereading over those feelings I wrote when Gabriel died have helped me get through losing Reese so much. I've always felt that if my words helped just one person, even a stranger, then I was helping. When that one person was me, I was so thankful that I had written it all down.

    Now my blog is not my personal journal.  I have one of those that I keep and record the things that I have found much too sacred to share with very many people. Without sharing too much, I will say that without a doubt in my mind, I have felt my babies, literally felt my babies, by my side. I know they are there when I most desperately need them the most. I have known people that have lost loved ones and prayed for this kind of experience and yet have never received it. I feel incredibly blessed to have had these sacred experiences, but I will leave it at the plain and simple truth that my babies did have spirits that continue to still be a part of our and forever.

   When I lost Reese, actually while I was in the very middle of my excruciating and heartbreaking labor with Reese, I got a text from someone I considered a good friend. It said, "Don't let this define you." I was just blown away at those words. I still think of them every day and hurt. How could I not let these experiences define me? I know that they are not all that I am, but they are such a part of me. I am daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am a daughter of my earthly parents. I am a wife. I am a mom. I am a mom to babies in heaven. These are all things that define and forever. I have now been pregnant 7 times....3 times in the last 2 1/2 years. I have 4 living children here. How could almost half of my children not being here not contribute to defining me?

   Knowing what people expected of me, even these good friends, I've tried to put on a good face. I've tried to "get over" this, to move on, to be strong. I know it will never happen. I know I will only get through this. A friend of mine recently wrote on her blog about her own miscarriage, "Sometimes moving on implies forgetting, but we definitely haven't forgotten." How can you forget and why would you ever want to? Of the three babies I've lost, I've held two of those sweet perfect bodies in my own arms. I've marveled at their tiny features, their 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, their resemblance to my living childrens' & my husbands' features, and I've just loved them, just like any of my other living children. I love my babies. I truly, truly do and every day, every single day, that I can not be with them is heartbreaking. I've learned enough with Gabriel's loss and the separation of time from it, that it won't always be completely excruciating, but because they were part of me, they will always be a part of me. I don't expect to ever be "over this", even at age 80. I expect, just like Emma Smith, the wife of a prophet, at the end of her life, to eagerly be anticipating the reunion with my babies soon.

   I know I've made people uncomfortable by being so open with my grief and my love for babies that they would just like me to just forget about. I've actually seen people go out of their way to avoid crossing the room kind of thing. People don't talk to me anymore at church and running into someone is always uncomfortable. Some of the people that were closest to me in my life before Gabriel died are now only acquaintances at best. Some of my heroes before have now proven that they aren't worthy of that title. This doesn't make them bad people, just people that I can't allow to hurt me anymore. It's sad, but it's okay too. I have been able to realize who my true friends are and who will be there for me and honestly, that has been a gift.

   So here's the point, I'm thinking about going private on this blog because the fact is, I will continue to write about my babies.....all of my babies. I will continue to ache for the ones not with me and I will continue to let them contribute to defining me, because they are part of me forever. People don't have to read it, but someone is reading it. I have at least 50 page views a day according to my stats. I get all sorts of unwanted spam comments and because my comments have to be approved, it's annoying. I rarely get comments from friends anymore so I don't even know if friends are reading or if it's just complete strangers or robots or whatever. Are you reading friends? Do I even have friends anymore? On the other hand, I worry that maybe there's a stranger out there that is reading my blog and has felt validated in their own feelings of loss. Or maybe there's someone out there that has been touched by my testimony of the gospel, despite my trials, because I can truly say that I believe it with all of my heart. Maybe when they hit a life-changing trial, they will know where to turn for peace. Strangers, are you out there too? Am I helping anyone?

  I'm asking friends and strangers alike to comment on this post. I won't publish any comments at all. I just want to know if there is anyone that is getting something out of this blog staying public? If not, I don't see the point in even doing it anymore, except doing it privately, where I know that the people I approve to read won't judge me. I've wanted to help someone and I know I have done that, even by helping myself....maybe that's all that needs to happen anymore.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”                            -Stephen Chbosky