Mom Challenge....Day 10

Day 10: Today's mom focus: Joy

Well, this is a day late because I did just this yesterday....focused on joy. I've really been trying to get myself out and about and let the kids have lots of fun in the couple of weeks left of summer since the beginning of their summer was less than fun. We've been checking off our summer bucket list and just staying busy with lots of fun things. Friday was by far our craziest day yet and filled with lots of fun and checking three things off the list!

We began the day meeting my friend, Kris, and her kids at Wheeler Farm. I met Kris through this here bloggy. She's a baby loss mom too. Our stories are similar....we both lost our 5th babies, both boys, at 19 weeks, both due to cord accidents. Kris has also had some early losses as well. She has been such a big help to me through getting through some hard days. She lives over an hour north so we don't see each other often but I am truly thankful that our babies brought us together. Our kids are all about the same age so they get along really well. In fact, I was so surprised how instantly they just began playing so great together even though they hadn't seen each other in awhile. We had a fun time walking around the farm that I grew up going to as a kid. I love that it's free! We saw horses, goats, cows, and decided we're so glad we don't have to smell them every day!

   Besides seeing my friend, I was also able to share in her joy by snuggling on her sweet rainbow baby, Sam. Sam is 8 weeks old and was born just 3 weeks after my little Reese. He was the first newborn I've held since losing Reese. It was honestly such a joy to hold him. It's amazing how you forget how little those fresh newborns are, especially when you usually stay away from them because of they make your heart ache. Since my last two babies were itsy bitsy I just looked at his little hands and feet and loved them and remembered my own sweet babies and how their tiny hands and feet were so much tinier, but still just as perfect. I called Alexis over to look at him. She is obsessed with babies but doesn't have too many opportunities around them. It was so sweet to see her with him. It was so sweet to hold him. It felt so good. Honestly, I think I need a job where I can just hold babies all day long. Of course, I wouldn't want their moms there, because I really can't hold the tears back. I always feel that moms of rainbow babies will get that and so rainbow babies are still the only babies I've held since losing Gabriel. I know that I have good friends that would understand, but I really struggle knowing how to even ask to hold their babies because it's such an emotional thing for me. I almost always cry. However, I only choked up for a second holding little Sam. I just had one second of thinking that in just a few months it would've been so different for me to have my own little Reese so fresh and new in my arms....and now that is gone. I just held him and felt such happiness for my friend, Kris, and her sweet kids, that have been through so much and now have the reward of that precious baby to hold all of the time in this life...to help to fill their emptiness that was left when they lost their little Luke. I asked Kris all sorts of questions about how much it has healed their family to have Sam there, although they will always feel that Luke is missing. It gave me even more desire and hope to have that someday. I haven't dared even ask for it again, but I hope that Heavenly Father will bless us with another baby to help heal our hearts too. Thank you, Kris, for allowing me to snuggle on your sweet Sam for a little while! It was so good for my heart to hold him!!

After we left Wheeler Farm hot, tired, and very dirty, we headed on over to the waterpark that I grew up going to, Raging Waters...which is actually 7 Peaks now so we could get in free with our Pass of All Passes!! I don't think much has changed there since I was a kid and that was fun to think of good memories I made there. The weather was kind of iffy early but was perfect when we got there and we just had such a blast!! It wasn't nearly as crowded as the Provo 7 Peaks so we were able to go on a lot of the rides and then just have fun in all of the waterfalls and little pools all over. Ben was able to come meet us after work for a bit before the clouds rolled in the weather suddenly went crazy and they kicked everyone out. We still had fun while it lasted!

     There was this moment when Nick, Alexis, and I were in the wave pool and Nick was trying really hard to make some swimming goals so Lex and I were just watching him and hugging because we were a little cold. I just held my sweet Lex and smelled in her hair and cuddled on her little body that is growing way too fast and felt so much joy. That is one thing that I feel that I've been able to feel so much earlier this time...the joy. When Gabriel died, those moments were always intertwined with the pain, but now I've learned to just let all of the joy come and just love it while it lasts, because I know it won't, but I cherish it while it does.

      Afterwards we grabbed some dinner and headed to the #1 on my summer bucket list....going to the drive-in!! Oh how I miss having drive-in theaters down in Provo!! When I was single and then when Ben and I were first married it was like a weekly thing for us to do during the summer! Since Provo's drive-ins are all shut down we haven't been to see one since we've had kids so my poor kids have never had the experience of going to the drive-in. So this summer I wanted to take them for sure! Of course, you can't go see a movie there that would be so much better in a theater because drive-ins are notorious for their poor quality, but that's just what we did because we hadn't had the chance to see Brave yet. It was really good and the kids loved it! I think they loved it even more that we could see it from the back of the car. It's just so much fun to go to a drive-in!!

   Once again, as I sat there, watching the movie and holding my honey's hand, I was filled with joy. I am so blessed to have the opportunities I do. I am so blessed to have the husband I do that supports me even when I plan a crazy busy day that starts in the morning and ends well past midnight. I am so blessed to have the four children I have here on earth to hold in my arms and to have such fun times with and make memories with to last a lifetime. I am so blessed to have two babies in heaven that are still such a part of my life and will be mine to raise in the future where there won't be any pain, just joy. I am so blessed to have the joys I do, and even though some days the hurt takes over, those blessings are always there, so the true joy always is too.