Today, I'm tired. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of this stupid 30 days thing. I'm tired of every 9th of the month where I'm reminded of that moment where we found out Gabe died and our world crashed down. I'm tired of living day after day with all of this and knowing that it's never going to go away. I'm tired of trying to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay when it's not. It's exhausting.
So, my bad habit is having a negative perspective and feeling hopeless as of late. I haven't always been this way, but I am now, and I fully recognize it. I hope I'm not like this forever and I hate that I am, but it's where I'm at. Believe me, I am not putting all the things that make my heart ache right now on my blog, but let's just say, I'm not having the easiest of times, my trials seem to keep coming, and as much as I would like to just be happy, I'm not. I know a lot of people say that being happy is a choice and you know, I used to believe that. But no matter what I do, no matter how I try, no matter how many Sunday school answers I perform, there's no fixing this. I am not happy that my son is dead, not at all. My heart hurts still and probably always will. Heavenly Father hasn't made this easy on me and I know He has His reasons. I also know He has a plan and that plan includes happiness, apparently after some major trials, but it's sure to come. I guess the hard part is not knowing what His plan is and not being able to see the rainbow after the storms that keep coming. I've been really trying to think of the eternal perspective of all of these trials and about how I need to use it to change my attitude. Elder LeGrand Richards said,
"God bless you to realize where you come from and the great privileges that are yours. If the veil were rolled back and you could just see one glimpse of God's great eternal plan concerning you and who you are, it would not be hard for you to love Him, keep His commandments, and live to be worthy of every blessing that He has had for you since before the foundations of the world were laid."
Wouldn't it be amazing to just be able to pull that veil back whenever you need some help with the eternal perspective? I guess part of breaking a habit it having the desire to break that habit. I hope that my desire can translate into being able to change my perspective because I hope to be worthy of the blessings my Heavenly Father still has in store for me.
Oh, and I chew on pens. Drives Ben crazy. I know, gross, and so unsanitary. Ugh.
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1 comment:
Cyndi...I have been in that deep dark sadness before. When Alex was diagnosed I lived there for a looooong time. I gradually made my way back to happiness...no I too am not the same as I was. Things change you and that is not always a bad thing. You too will gradually make your way back to happiness....I promise you. Heavenly Father does not want you to be miserable and unhappy your whole life...I had to learn that. I have truly come to love anything happy that comes my way even more so than before. I pray for you and hope your smile and excitement for life returns. You are a beautiful person with so much to give.
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