Day 15: Your favorite books and have they changed since your loss?

I can't remember what my favorite books were before my loss. I really can't. I like the Twilight books, but would never consider them my favorites. I've read a ton of LDS historical fiction books. I like those because I love church history, but the majority of them carry an extreme amount of cheese, so they're not my favorites either. I guess of those books I would say that the Fire of the Covenant was the best. It's about the Willie & Martin Handcart companies. It's sad, so sad, but triumphant too and reminds me of all the hard things that the pioneers did to get here and reminds me that I can do hard things too.

After Gabriel died, I can honestly say that most of the books I've read have dealt with loss of some kind...and it's what I need right now. Ben always thinks that these books just depress me, but I'm already depressed. These books actually make me feel less alone, knowing that others have gone through pain and endured. It helps for me to realize that it's okay for me to be grieving over the loss of my son, when so many would just like me to move on or think that it wasn't such a big deal. It was a big deal to me. It is a big deal to me. I ache every moment that Gabriel isn't here, as much as I know that he is exactly where he's supposed to be.

Of my favorite baby loss books since Gabriel died, my absolute favorite is I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. Her daughter was diagnosed with a heart defect in utero and the book talks about all they did to honor and prepare for giving birth to a baby that they knew wouldn't survive. I have to admit, I wish I'd had that with Gabriel. I wish I could have prepared, and treasured every single moment with him more than I was given the chance to. I did treasure those pregnancy moments, probably more than any of my other children, because I thought Gabe was our last. I'm so thankful for feeling that then, so that I did take the time to just love being pregnant, instead of just being miserable with it. Anyway, the author of this book talks a lot about the Savior and Lazarus. It's not an LDS book, but I gained great insight into the way the Savior feels for our heartache during our grief. He understands the great plan better than anyone and yet he's able to see that we don't, and he aches for the ache we feel. When the Savior was fully aware that Lazarus was to be raised from the dead, he still wept because he knew just how painful it was for Mary and Martha to not know that. I feel that sometimes people think that the knowledge of the plan of salvation should take away the pain that comes with loss. It doesn't. It lessens that pain and gives you hope in the eternities, but the pain is still there, and probably will be the rest of this life. I am so thankful for my Savior, who understands my pain like no one else is able. This book reminded me of that and has really helped me.

Not all the books I read are about baby loss. I've actually become a huge fan of Richard Paul Evans. It all started with reading the Christmas Box and now I can't stay away from his books. So far, the books I've read all have to do with a loss of some kind and how the character in the book learns to live with the grief from that loss. Sure, that sounds depressing, but it's actually comforting to have examples, even if they are fictional, of ways to live with it and move forward with life. Richard Paul Evans is LDS, but his books don't ever talk about that, however his testimony of the gospel does shine through and he's an amazing example of faith. I always keep a good supply of sticky tabs next to my bed for those moments that stick out to me. His words of hope have actually helped me through many days where I didn't have any.