GratiTuesday: He is aware of me and He loves me.

   Back at the beginning of the summer, right after Reese died, I was having a completely horrible day. Once again, my life had been thrown for a loop and the promises I felt were given to me were snatched away. I was just so very depressed and was texting my friend who often gets to hear all of my complaints because she understands both infertility and the heartache of losing a baby (you know who you are and thank you, thank you, thank you for always being there for me!!). She suggested that I write a letter to the general authorities seeking some guidance with the questions I had. I honestly thought about doing it but I didn't. So often in this journey of baby loss I've had so many unanswered questions. I've felt so alone because there aren't many that have to face this, especially multiple times, and those that do tend to not talk about it because society has told us it's not okay. I've learned that the people I thought that I could trust the most won't even allow me to talk about my babies. Obviously, I am very open about it. I feel that my babies were sent to me for a reason, that they are a part of my eternal family, and that they are not meant to be forgotten.

      I never wrote that letter to the general authorities, but instead I went directly to the source and prayed. I prayed that I would get some answers. I prayed that someone would talk about it or write about it or something. I just wanted to feel less alone in the struggle to survive all of this hurt over both issues. I have been in awe just how much my prayers have been answered. In the last few months there have been articles in the Ensign, LDS Living, and on the news.

 General Conference this year just happened to be on a weekend I was dreading. Sunday, October 7, was my due date for the early miscarriage I had this year. I don't forget dates. It's one of my curses. Although I only suspected I was pregnant for a few days and only knew for a night that I was before I miscarried, I had already circled October 7 on the calendar in my brain. The next day, as I began miscarrying, I knew that it was going to be another date that would always bring an ache to my heart and always bring the what-ifs to my mind. When I got pregnant with Reese I thought maybe that day would be a little easier to get through, but after I lost him too, I've dreaded arriving at this date, empty again, knowing especially that I have to face another due date soon. Two due dates in one year and empty arms for both has just been completely heartbreaking for me to even think of. My only solace was to know that because of General Conference, I could stay in my pjs all day long and not face a soul. I was just thankful that I didn't have to go to church again on another hard day (Gabriel's birthday was a Sunday this year too). I truly believed it was a tender mercy to have this due date land on General Conference, which has felt like such a blessing when church is often difficult for me to face.

   However, my prayers continued to be answered during this General Conference with so many mentions of those that have lost children.In the General Relief Society meeting, Linda S. Reeves talked about losing her daughter and Elder Russel M. Nelson talked about someone losing a baby in childbirth. They both talked about the feelings of heartache and depression that accompanied trying to accept God's will.

      However, the talks by Elder Shayne M. Bowen and President Henry B. Eyring were true answers to my prayers. They both addressed feelings and questions I have felt. As I watched each one, I sobbed, knowing that my Heavenly Father knew they were just I needed to hear. During Elder Bowen's talk, my friend, the same one that advised me to ask all of those months ago, texted me to say "This talk is for u. :)." During President Eyring's talk another friend texted to say, "Wow. Heavenly Father is so aware of you, Cyndi." Of course, those texts just made me sob more, knowing that someone else recognized that those talks were what I needed to hear as well. Thank you, friends, for thinking of me!

     So, my thankful for today, is for a loving Heavenly Father, who knew that even though millions would hear those talks, my heart was one that needed to hear them. He is aware of me. He loves me. As I've really struggled to feel that in the last few years and even more so, since losing Reese, I am so thankful that He has, especially in the last few weeks (and yes I read and depend on those little notes every day!!), known exactly what I needed to not only know, but to feel that He really, really loves me.

I love these two talks so, so, very much!  If you haven't seen them, watch them. If you have seen them, watch them again!!

Elder Shayne  M. Bowen


For some reason, I can't embed both talks, so here's the link to President Eyring's:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2012/10?lang=eng&vid=1884732228001&cid=3