Thursday, September 27, 2012

Thankful Thursday....I am actually loved.

Honestly, I didn't want to have a thankful this week. I skipped it on Tuesday on purpose. I had a few bad triggers and was just having a cry day. Some days just suck and I was completely horribly missing my babies. I was feeling lonely, invisible, worthless, and very unloved....and mostly by my Heavenly Father. I watched this video, and though I wanted  to believe it, I just couldn't completely:
   I too am thankful that God loves me enough to hurt me....but there is a point where the hurt lasts too long and aches too much that you don't feel very loved at all. I've really struggled feeling God's love the last few years, and especially in the last few months, after losing Reese. His loss has hurt even more because his life meant so much hope after such heartache. I know that He did love me at some point and that, logically, He must continue to love me to keep blessing me with the things that He gives me everyday. I recognize my blessings, but there's a difference between knowing and feeling.  Honestly, I haven't felt that He loves me for awhile.

   A few weeks ago, I actually prayed that somehow I would be able to feel His love for me. That maybe, through someone else, I would know He was listening. It was a Sunday, which are never easy for me, but I prayed that someone, anyone, in my entire ward would show me some kind of love that day and that would mean that Heavenly Father loved me. Well, that didn't happen. Not a soul came up to me the entire day. I didn't feel one ounce of love from the people that I expected to be an answer to my prayers. Our bishop often talks about mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort and I felt no support of any kind. I was feeling more alone than ever....and more unloved by my Heavenly Father than I've ever felt.

   I have to admit that this made me a little bitter. Not so much bitter that my babies are in heaven instead of being here in my arms, in my belly. But bitter that in all of this heartache, I had been abandoned. Let's face it, baby loss is not a popular thing, and here I am, this big loser who has lost three pregnancies in a row. I make people uncomfortable. My grief makes people uncomfortable. I'm well aware of that. But, this is my life. That's not all I am, but my children are a huge part of my life, as they should be, whether they are living or not. I am a mother. This is not the life I expected as a mother...and right now I feel so disappointed and so hopeless about it. I know the grief will ease in time and that the desperate ache will go away. I've learned that I can survive, but I often wonder if the feelings of true happiness will ever return...or if good times will. I don't want to be bitter about the future, but unfortunately, where I'm at right now, I am. I have just accepted that all I can do is endure this life, unloved by my family (except Ben and the kids), unloved by my "friends", unloved by my ward, and most of all, unloved by my Heavenly Father.

Okay, okay, actually this a thankful post. Believe me, I'm getting there. Even though that prayer wasn't answered in the time that I expected, my prayer to have someone show me that they loved me, came today, 4 months to the day that my teeny little Reese was born. My visiting teacher came bearing the greatest gift I could've received at this time. She brought me a can filled with my favorite candy (not that I needed that!) and around each candy a little note has been wrapped. Some of the notes are scripture and thoughts, but there are also notes in there, from friends in my ward, that took the time to write something that they admired about me. Notes that show that someone out there actually loves me. I can't even begin to express how very touched I am by this sweet gift at this time. I can't even begin to imagine just how much time it took for my awesome visiting teacher to go to the trouble of asking everyone to do that, and then typing each one up, wrapping each one around the candy, and bringing it to me a time I needed it more than anything. To everyone that contributed to writing those sweet notes of encouragement, I don't know who you are, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To my visiting teacher, thank you so, so, so very much for caring about me and listening to the Spirit to know exactly, exactly, what I needed. To my Heavenly Father, thank you for showing me you love me, even when I was beginning to doubt.
My heart is honestly so full of gratitude tonight for the precious and thoughtful gift that I received today. I know it was an answer to the many prayers I've offered. I wanted to read through each and every one of those little notes today, but my visiting teacher told me to open one each day because they will last about 60 days. That's enough time to get me through the due date of my early miscarriage that is looming next week...and it's enough to get me close to Reese's due date that looms even heavier just 2 months away. Although those dates will be hard because my hopes for my baby being here in my arms are shattered, I know that this gift will help me get to those dates knowing that someone in this big wide world actually loves me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

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