Cruel Summer

A year ago today we heard our little Gabe's heartbeat for the first and the last time. It was an exciting day. We couldn't wait to meet that little one that was so busy swimming around that he was dodging the Doppler. It was such a relief when he finally stayed still long enough for us to hear that swish swish sound and to watch all of our kids' faces just light up with pure excitement for the new little sibling that was there in my tummy. Our kids were so happy. We were so happy. We thought we were in the clear, that everything was okay, everything was perfect. Now here we are, a year later....no baby. While there are moments of happiness, the happy hasn't come back.

This summer has been so hard, harder than I could have imagined. I've heard and read that the year mark, that is only a little over a month away, is impossibly difficult, but no one warned me about the extremely difficult reminders of what we were doing last year at this time and how it would be so heartbreaking to go through all of the same dates as I did pregnant but this time feeling completely empty. Every moment of last summer was spent anticipating, getting ready for, and loving that little baby on the way. Every moment of this summer is reminding me of just how wonderful that was and how differently I feel this year. I think back to telling the kids about Gabe on the way. I think of the first time I felt him moving around, making his presence known, and all of those tiny kicks afterwards from my busy little guy. I think of how last year's 4th was just completely awesome, having all of our kids with us, feeling complete. I think of how I had just 17 short weeks, one summer, with the baby that I thought I'd have every day in this life.

I feel every month I get to a point of acceptance with Gabriel's death. I know where he is. I know that's where he's supposed to be. I know that is the plan that Heavenly Father has for us. I'm still sad about it. I still miss him every day and I know I always will. There's still such bittersweetness in this...knowing that he's happy where he is, lacking pain and sadness, but at the same time missing out on all the things we could have been experiencing with him if he'd been here. He would be 6 months this week and I'm sure so much fun. But I know it's okay. I know it will be made whole and that we will see him again. We're a forever family and he is always going to be a part of that. This is my good part of the month.

Of course, the good time is always short lived, because obviously, we're trying to have another baby and that's just not working, and every time I find out I'm not pregnant, my world shatters again. I just plummet into the grief again. I mean, plummet, like from faith and hope in this to complete despair and hopelessness, and there I stay until I go through all the phases of grief for that month. Then I'll start the climb back up until the next month hits. It's so exhausting. I know that I'm grieving not only for Gabriel's death, but also because of the loss of the new hope for a baby. I've read that when you're trying to get pregnant after a loss that every month that you aren't is like experiencing the loss all over again. It's totally true. It is such a cruel reminder that not only is the dream of another baby gone, but that the whole reason for even attempting to conceive again is because our little Gabriel is dead. If he was here, conceiving another baby would be the last thing on our minds. It doesn't help that the things I am doing to make my body work again make me irritable, nauseated, headachy, and all around crappy feeling....yep, another summer of feeling pregnant but without the baby in the picture. Basically, this sucks. Every month I'm ready to just give up on even trying anymore because I can't stand the disappointment I face every month. We've been trying so long...9 months now (minus a couple before we went to Disneyland). If I had gotten pregnant when we first tried, I'd be having a baby in a few short weeks. But I'm not and not sure if I'll ever be. I wonder if it's worth it because I have no way of knowing if we'll ever have another baby. Gabriel could have been our last. We thought he was. I think accepting that he was our last is going to be a very long and painful process because it will always be combined with the heartache of losing that perfect little boy. The hole in my heart and the ache in my arms will never be filled, even a little bit.

Then there's the jealousy. I don't like to talk about the jealousy, but its a reality. It's not a fun or comfortable thing. I'm not a jealous person. I've never wanted fancy cars or fancy toys like boats or 4 wheelers. I've never wanted a big house or bling. I could care less about wearing fashionable clothes. But I do want a baby, so very badly that my heart literally aches. My therapist (yes, I see a therapist. Oh and yes, she's due to have a baby in two weeks. Ironic...yes, totally.) says the jealousy is a normal secondary feeling of the heartache I'm feeling. It's okay for me to feel this way...really, it's "normal". All be it "normal", it is just such an uncomfortable feeling, especially knowing that we are commanded not to be envious. But Heavenly Father made all of the emotions, even the ones he told us to control, and I have to face them and learn to control them. It's so, so hard to control the jealousy here. Utah County, baby making capital of the country, is just not the best place to live after the loss of a baby and subsequent infertility. There are babies everywhere! There are pregnant people everywhere! I'm honestly happy for people that I know that are having babies, but it's heartbreaking to just not be able to be doing it alongside them. There is not one place besides my very own home that I can escape it. But it's summer and my kids want to do fun things. They want to go to fun places and they deserve to. They are great kids. But every single activity, every single trip to the pool, to the park, to the store, to anywhere, I have to gear myself up for the pain and jealousy (and then the guilt of those feelings) that I will inevitably feel because I will always, always run into a baby or a belly. Every.single.time.

For the first time in my whole life I just can't wait for the summer to be over and not because I'm tired of my kids. I've never been one of those moms antsy to send my kids back to school. I'm just tired of this all and I just want to be able to hole up in my house again where my heart can have a break. It's a cruel summer indeed.