This is the day-your life will surely change....

That's what I put on my Facebook status a year ago today when I found out my life was in for a major change. It's a line from a song I've always loved by The The. It's the line that went through my mind the second I saw those two little pink lines appear telling me that our 5th baby, our Gabriel, was on his way. That moment changed my life. I just never had any idea at that point how much it would change it.

When I thought about the change coming by adding a fifth kid to the mix, I was a little overwhelmed with it. A family of seven is quite a big family these days. A family of seven doesn't quite fit into the house we currently live in...we bought this home as a starter and figured we'd live here a max of 5 years...it's been 6 1/2. We're a little smooshed as it is but absolutely love where we live. We didn't want to move away from this house or this ward. Having another child was going to inevitably make that move a reality at some point in the near future. I knew that five kids was going to be a huge change to our family, but I couldn't have been happier with having to make that change. Number 5 was our baby that we had sought so much heavenly guidance in knowing if he should come. He was meant to be part of our family and I knew it, loved it, and was so extremely happy.

So here I am a year later, surely changed. I am not the happy person I always considered myself being. How I long to just feel happy again. There are times that I can feel glimpses of joy in seeing my beautiful living children or feeling my amazing husband's arms around me. There are times when I feel so much love from some of my dear friends that my heart bursts at knowing how lucky I am to have those kind of friendships. There are times I can genuinely smile or laugh or even enjoy myself a bit. But that feeling of just being a happy person eludes me still.

Through this journey of loving and losing our Gabriel, I have felt feelings that I've never felt before-true anguish and depression, uncontrollable jealousy and anger, indescribable loneliness and hopelessness...all normal parts of grief, I know, but feelings I've absolutely hated feeling. I've had relationships that I had before that have been altered forever, some for the good, yet others not. I've lost friends along the way. I've been deeply hurt and disappointed that those I thought would be there weren't because they belittled my loss or were just too uncomfortable themselves to offer a single word of sympathy.

I've also felt loved more than ever before by many, some I never knew that cared. I have gained new friendships and truly strengthened many others. I have learned to love my husband and children with a love and gratitude I couldn't have understood before. I've learned to truly savor those moments of joy that I do receive. I've learned to look for those tender mercies that I need so badly to recognize. I have grown more spiritually than I ever could have expected. I've learned to really, really pray to my Heavenly Father, the way I think he wants us to, expressing enormous gratitude for what I have been given but also laying all of my burdens on Him for the ache of what I've lost. I've learned to truly rely on Him to heal my heart. There are times that I haven't always felt Him there, but I know He is. I know that He loves me. I know that He wants me to grow to what only He can see now. I know that is why He doesn't just make this all instantly better, as much as that would ease my pain. I have grown so much in my spirituality, reliance on the Atonement, and hope in the plan of salvation. I want more than ever to be the person that He wants me to be, the person that will return to live with Him and my son someday. That desire is what keeps me going on the days when its so hard to even think of going on another moment.

While this isn't the change that I expected or would have ever wanted, I am thankful for it. Though I wish God and Gabriel's plan had been different, that Gabriel was here for me to cuddle and to watch grow into the amazing man he already is, I am entirely grateful that he is my son and always will be. I am so thankful for eternal families and that he is part of mine.

I love you my sweet, strong, valiant boy. You are such a wonderful example to me. Thank you for changing my life forever.

We don't know why God's littlest angels

Are sent to heaven above

We only know they change our lives

And fill our hearts with love

Every soul has a purpose

No matter how great or small

In such a short time, precious one,

You were able to do them all.

Now you are safe in the arms of Jesus

No hardships to feel, no bad places to roam

For God has called you to his special place,

The place that's now your home.