Arms of an Angel

Yesterday, Mother's Day, was so difficult....as was the entire last week leading up to it. I was warned it would be, so it wasn't a surprise. It's just not the same to have one of your children away from you on a day that is all about being a mom. It was a stark contrast to last Mother's Day, when I had just found out I was pregnant with Gabriel and I felt so happy to have all my babies with me. Even though I had my other four babies in my arms showering me with love, I missed Gabriel so very much. I even had to come home between Sacrament and Relief Society and just have a really good cry. Sundays are still so hard for me, knowing I have to go see all of the other lucky ladies in my ward that have their babies in their arms while I do not. I tried my best to smile through my tears yesterday, but it wasn't easy. Ben reminded me that even if I couldn't feel Gabriel here, that he probably was. While I know that the veil is thin, there are days that I just wish that if I had to live this life separated from my baby, that sometimes, on those days when I really need him, that veil was even thinner, and that somehow I'd really know he was there.

This morning it took all of my energy to not just climb back into bed (after getting Sky & Nick out the door) and stay there the rest of the day. I prayed fervently that somehow Heavenly Father would allow me to feel some comfort today and I forced myself to get on with the day. After taking Kade to preschool, Alexis and I ran to the bread store to stock up. While we were there Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan came on. It's a beautiful song and I really thought about the words:

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

When we got in the car, Alexis said "Mom, did you hear the angel song?" I was a little surprised that she had been paying attention, but I told her I did and then asked if she knew what an angel was. She said, "My baby brother, Gabriel. He's our angel."

Oh wow. I didn't even know that she knew what an angel was. When we talk about Gabe, we say he's with Jesus in heaven, but we've never really referred to him as an angel. But she knew. She knows that her little brother is our angel. Nine months ago today we found out that we'd be living the rest of our lives without that little angel of ours, but today, maybe for just a moment, he was there, right when I needed him, reminding me that he's my little angel. In that moment that took my breath away, I knew that my prayer this morning had been answered. Little Lex and I felt Gabriel's love, almost as if we were in his arms, and I found so much comfort there.