Oh my gosh. I think I'm OCD about everything. Okay, not really. I can be totally chill about some things, but one of the things I am really, really OCD about is a clean house. I have a cleaning schedule and I'm pretty good at keeping with it. It honestly comes down to just focusing on a room a day and a section of the house each month, which rotates so each section of the house is completely cleaned once a quarter. It sounds kind of complicated and it sounds like I clean a lot, but I don't. It is more of a maintaining thing. I've found that a little bit of it goes a long way so that when I do clean it doesn't take me forever because it wasn't too bad to begin with. It keeps me sane and feeling a sense of control, especially in the last year when I've felt very out of control of my life.
My kids are also enlisted in the whole clean the house thing. They all have the amount of daily jobs as they are old, beginning at 2 and going up to 8 which we decided was plenty for any one kid. I'm a slave driver! Ha ha. Okay, some of those jobs are pretty simple, like wipe down the table or feed the fish, so I'm not that harsh. But their little jobs make my load a little lighter and I think giving them responsibility, even at the age of 2, helps them learn some very valuable lessons that will help them throughout their entire lives. Plus, our house remains clean for the most part!
Sometimes I can be pretty particular about the exact cleanliness or tidiness of the house. Today I'm actually on my sick bed (ugh! I am always sick these days!!) and in my moments of consciousness I've been watching Friends on DVD. I am such a Monica sometimes. There's an episode where her boyfriend makes the bed and she hurries and tries to remake it so he won't see that she fixed it. Guilty. My sweet husband often tries to make the bed and I'll redo it. The good thing is he's come to expect my OCD about weird things like that and even though I'm a neat freak, he still loves me...or at least tolerates me.
I'm also majorly OCD about planning. As I've said before, this has been one of the hardest things for me since losing Gabriel. He was a very, very planned baby. He was planned around me turning 35. He was planned around our Disneyland trip. His room he was going to share with his big brothers was all planned out...it still hurts to go in there and know he won't ever be there. He was planned to be part of our family...and he is, but not the way we planned. Planning has been a big issue for me since his loss. My brain is often muddled so unless I have a calendar in front of my face I can't remember what is even planned if I do have something planned. I completely space appointments and things, which is so unlike me.
Also, I don't know how to plan because honestly, I don't know where I'll be from day to day or even hour to hour in this grief process. I've gotten to the point where for the most part, I'm okay, but I still have unexpected things that hit me hard. So I don't plan anything...yep, that summer schedule is pretty much still wide open. It's also been hard for us in this with the whole having another baby thing, because once again, I'm faced with something completely out of my control to be able to plan. Anyway, this is one area in my life that I'm trying so hard to learn to let go a little. Someone pointed out to me that if my kids have one summer that is just completely lazy and unplanned, that they'll still survive, and might even enjoy it. I'm sure that's true. It's just hard to give up something that you're already OCD about. Darn OCD!!
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2 comments:
I just had to laugh when you said you fix the bed after it's already been made by Ben- I am the same way about EVERYTHING! It can never be done well enough, although adding more kids to the bunch is helping me let that go!
I think we all have to learn that we are out of control of the events that happen in our lives at some point... it is a harsh reality. I'm sorry it has been so difficult. I try to take this lesson from Abby when she says she has to put complete trust in the Lord- that the things that matter will get done and be taken care of. Of course, she says it more eloquently! I pray for you everyday Cyndi, that you will have the strength and faith you need to feel peace and love.
It makes me laugh to see just how much we have in common. Luke was also very planned so that I would be done having kids by the time I was 35, which is in August. I hate that my plan didn't come to fruition, and one of my biggest challenges in faith is when Heavenly Father's plans are different than mine. Us control freaks need to pray for each other! :)
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