Well, I guess this is an appropriate thing for today, since I've been a little blue on this first of Memorial Days without Gabriel here...and without a place to go to remember him. It's a regret I deal with every day. I wish we had buried that little body he came to earth to get. It was so perfect, too perfect to just hand over to the hospital for them to take care of. Is it crazy that I'm completely jealous that people have these beautiful headstones for their babies and I don't? I just wish I had somewhere to go that was dedicated to him, to show that he was here and he was important. In the people that I've met in this baby loss world, about half of them that lost their babies around the same gestation as Gabe didn't bury their babies. Every one of them has regretted it, like me. I wish they would just require you to bury your baby if you've given birth. It is the worst time for the hospital to ask you to make that kind of decision, when you are in such a state of shock that you can't even think how you're going to be able to make it out of the hospital without the baby that you came in with. It's a regret I'll have to live with the rest of my life, I guess.
We still tried to remember him today with a drive up the canyon while listening to his song. It wasn't the same, but we tried. Since I was still feeling sick we didn't even make it to the angel statue like we wanted to. My mom and dad were so thoughtful for taking flowers for Gabe to place on my grandpa's grave. Thanks mom & dad!! We're planning on making a garden for him near his trees that we planted so that we'll have somewhere that is his place. I guess that will have to do. How I wish it was different.
Well, anyway, on to the picture and why it makes me so sad. From the looks of this picture, we look like a normal happy smiling family posing in front of Mesa Falls near Island Park, Idaho. Ben loves this picture. He thinks we all look great. I don't. If you'll notice, my eyes are all puffy. This picture was taken about a week and a half after Gabe was born. We had gone to Yellowstone with our friends the Cox's to stay at my condo for the last time. It was a trip we'd already planned before Gabe died and we felt that we should still go on for the sake of our kids. I was still in such a state of shock at that time. I kind of just was pointed to where I needed to go next and went along with the motions. In a way it was good because it got me out of the house and out of bed where I probably would have preferred to spend that first entire month. I was amazed that I could smile and even laugh on that trip. I remember my friend, Heidi, telling me how well I seemed to be doing. I told her I was just a good actress. Little did she know that every second I had alone or even with just my family, I was letting it all out and bawling. This picture was taken just after one of those episodes of me just sobbing uncontrollably...and hence the reason for the puffy eyes. The worst part of the pictures taken that trip are the fact that they were the start of family pictures where Gabe was missing. Sure, we look normal in them, and to the unknowing eye, we look like a complete family. But it aches that Gabe is never going to be in any family pictures with us, just like he's never going to be here with us for every other family thing we do for the rest of this life. There will always be someone missing, and my heart will always feel an ache for that.
We still tried to remember him today with a drive up the canyon while listening to his song. It wasn't the same, but we tried. Since I was still feeling sick we didn't even make it to the angel statue like we wanted to. My mom and dad were so thoughtful for taking flowers for Gabe to place on my grandpa's grave. Thanks mom & dad!! We're planning on making a garden for him near his trees that we planted so that we'll have somewhere that is his place. I guess that will have to do. How I wish it was different.
Well, anyway, on to the picture and why it makes me so sad. From the looks of this picture, we look like a normal happy smiling family posing in front of Mesa Falls near Island Park, Idaho. Ben loves this picture. He thinks we all look great. I don't. If you'll notice, my eyes are all puffy. This picture was taken about a week and a half after Gabe was born. We had gone to Yellowstone with our friends the Cox's to stay at my condo for the last time. It was a trip we'd already planned before Gabe died and we felt that we should still go on for the sake of our kids. I was still in such a state of shock at that time. I kind of just was pointed to where I needed to go next and went along with the motions. In a way it was good because it got me out of the house and out of bed where I probably would have preferred to spend that first entire month. I was amazed that I could smile and even laugh on that trip. I remember my friend, Heidi, telling me how well I seemed to be doing. I told her I was just a good actress. Little did she know that every second I had alone or even with just my family, I was letting it all out and bawling. This picture was taken just after one of those episodes of me just sobbing uncontrollably...and hence the reason for the puffy eyes. The worst part of the pictures taken that trip are the fact that they were the start of family pictures where Gabe was missing. Sure, we look normal in them, and to the unknowing eye, we look like a complete family. But it aches that Gabe is never going to be in any family pictures with us, just like he's never going to be here with us for every other family thing we do for the rest of this life. There will always be someone missing, and my heart will always feel an ache for that.
3 comments:
Okay so now I am home and I just caught up on your posts. I relate very well to the last one about family photos. I know Gabriel is right there in those photos. He is always with you. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could see them with our eyes? I guess we have to settle for feeling them with our hearts for now. Love you!
When I look at this picture I think it looks great. You look sun kissed not like you have been crying. It is a beautiful picture. But I know for you it probably takes you back to that moment which reminds you of pain. You can always get a garden plack (not sure i spelled that right) made up and then if you ever move you can take it with you.
The picture does look cute. It is so easy to mask sadness one is having, especially through pictures. What a difficult time for you and good for you for trying even just for the kids. They will one day appreciate you so much for that.
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