Day 5: Twenty things that calm you

1. Saying my prayers
In this long process of grief, I think I've really learned how to pray to my Heavenly Father. I've always prayed and sometimes I've been more regular about it. But in the last 10 months, I have really learned to rely on those many conversations with my Heavenly Father to survive. Believe me, not all of those have been pleasant. I know He understands when I'm so broken that my prayers have been filled with such anguish, sorrow, and anger. He understands all of these feelings. I am so thankful for my knowledge of prayer and knowing that when no one else in the entire world wants to hear one more word from me, He does. Having the knowledge that someone is always willing to listen is the most comforting thing.

2. Reading my scriptures
....or the Ensign, or lds.org. I have found so much comfort from gospel truths. What a blessing it is to have all of these resources of God's words right at hand and available as long as we seek them.

3. Attending the temple, especially doing sealings
As I've said before, attending church is not always easy for me. Well, make that never easy for me. It's hard every single week for me to be there with all the babies and without mine. I know that sounds completely petty and I wish it wasn't how I felt, but it's true. Since I've been in YW it has been easier and I'm so thankful for that calling. Anyway, it's not a very peaceful place for me, which is hard because that's where you should go to have peace, right? I feel so blessed that I still have somewhere to go to feel close to my Heavenly Father and my baby boy, Gabriel. The temple is that place and I feel so blessed to have so many near my home. I definitely don't get there as often as I'd like with my other four littles that need supervision, but when I've had the opportunity to go, I've jumped at the chance. Ben and I have especially found comfort in doing sealings together. It reminds us that because of the covenants and promises we made in the temple, that all of our children, all of our family, will be together forever.

4. My Ben
I won't go into the gushy stuff because Ben hates that, but Ben is always, always there for me and is the one person in this world that brings me calm in all of my storms....even if he won't kiss me when I have strep.

5. Hugs from my kids
Awwww.....they are the best....and no matter how stressed out or angry or sad I am, they always make me feel so loved. I am such a lucky mommy to have such loving kids that give the bestest hugs and never make me doubt for a minute that someone on this big old earth loves me.

6. Remembering my baby
There's not much I can do for Gabriel, and that's hard being his mother. That's my job as his mother, to do things for him. I remember him always and doing things to remember and honor his memory give me the greatest sense of calm and peace. We also have this picture in our house that reminds me every day of where he is, in the loving arms of our Savior:Every day I look at that picture a hundred times and it brings me such peace to know my Gabriel is okay and right where he's meant to be. I sure love my little guy.

7. Pictures of my kids
I can't get enough of them. They are just amazingly adorable. When all else is wrong in the world, I get great peace knowing that Ben and I were sent our little ones from a very loving Heavenly Father.

8. Pictures and notes from my kids
I love pictures my kids give me. I love seeing them hung in my home. What a happy reminder they are of the joy my kids bring me. Skylar used to draw a gazillion pictures a day and I never knew what to do with them all. Now I miss them. I'm so glad that I saved at least a million of them. Nick writes the most precious notes you've ever seen and expresses so much love in them. They bring a smile to my heart. Kade is always giving me every picture that he draws at joy school/preschool. He also loves to trace his hand and draw pictures of our family...and he always includes Gabriel....I love that. Alexis loves to have me trace her hand too. I love little hands. It's hard to see them grow bigger but having those little treasures of how tiny they once were is awesome. I treasure all of the little things my little ones give me.

9. The ocean
There is not a place anywhere that I love more than the ocean. The beauty of it, the amazing sounds, the smells in the air, the breeze on my face. It is my absolute favorite place on earth. I could stay there forever and never get sick of it, I'm sure. I was meant to be at the ocean. It's my happy place.

10. Being in the canyon
My second favorite place is the canyon. I imagine heaven is the canyon opening up to the ocean. It is just so very beautiful there. When Gabe first died, I drove to the canyon nearly every single day to find peace in the overwhelming heartache I had. I would point out to my kids just how beautiful it was there and if it was so amazing there, we can't even imagine how very wonderful heaven is. We'd always talk about how lucky our little Gabriel was to be there.

11. Spring rain
I love rain. It is just so peaceful and relaxing. I love how in the spring it makes all of the colors of the blooming flowers just pop out. It makes everything smell good and look clean and refreshed. I don't as much like the cold rain we've had of late. It's been more like winter rain, which I am not a fan of. Spring rain come back!!

12. Summer nights
Oh how I love summer nights. I'm a night owl, so being able to sit outdoors on a warm summer night, without the pelting sun, but instead a warm breeze, is a little bit of heaven. I can hardly wait for those summer nights to come this year.

13. Sitting around a campfire
I love camping and my favorite part of it is the campfire. I just love the smell and the feeling you get sitting huddled around it. I love the calm watching the flames dance brings to me. I'm so excited that Ben and the kids got me a fire pit for my birthday. Now, even though I'd love to go camping every single weekend, we can still have a campfire!

14. Sleeping under the stars
There just is no better way to fall asleep than under the night sky, listening to the sounds of nature, and searching the night sky for the stars until your eyes are just too heavy to look anymore. When I was a kid I slept in my backyard almost every single night in the summer. I say almost every night because my dad made me head indoors every few days so he could run the sprinklers. I haven't convinced Ben of the awesomeness of sleeping under the stars yet, so it's something we rarely do. I guess I'd rather sleep with him, which is a smidgen better.

15. Long, hot, uninterrupted (emphasis on that) showers
I have to emphasize the uninterrupted, because it's rare that I get one that doesn't have someone coming in to see what I'm doing and letting out all of the warm air. Um, the shower is on, so I'm showering, duh. Showers are my very favorite time of my day. Most the times they are rushed, but I still absolutely love the calm and relaxation I feel from a hot shower. It's the only real "me" time I can count on each day, even if lasts only 30 seconds.

16. Massages, especially bum ones
Okay, that may sound completely weird, but do you know how much tension you hold in your bum? A LOT! I haven't always been a fan of bum massages, but I got in this major car accident once and my physical therapist begged me for months to just let someone work on my bum...not him, mind you. Once I finally gave in, I was like ahhhhh....so much relief! Now I'm a big fan of the bum massage. There' s nothing better than working out all of the kinks from a very stressed body. Oh man, I could use one now.

17. Listening to music
I'm a big fan of the music. Nothing relaxes me more than turning on some of my favorite tunes to either dance along to or just sit back and listen to. Remember that huge Eddie Vedder obsession I had? I used to actually write my English papers about how much his music spoke to me and made me chill. What a goofball I am, but it's true. Music is one of my favorite things in the world.

18. Naps
Oh man, I love the naps. Like I said, nightowl. I have always been one, as long as I can remember. Ben has always tried to change me our entire relationship. Not happening. The only thing that can get me to bed before midnight is if I'm feeling ill. I'm just a night person. This does not work well when a nightowl has to get up to care for her kids at the crack of dawn. This especially does not work well when this same nightowl is going through the grief process and waking up every day without all of your children being there takes every ounce of energy you have to just pull back those covers and swing your feet to the side of the bed. I.am.exhausted.all.of.the.time. Thank heavens for nap time. Even if I only get a few minutes, I am so thankful for the time to recharge my batteries to get me through each day.

19. Girls' Night Out
I need them. I crave them. I don't know what I'd do without them. They make me a better wife. They make me a better momma. They revive me. I think it's high time for one!

20. A clean house
Yeah, OCD, remember? There's a time, every Friday afternoon, where everything in my house is clean for the week. The laundry is done and put away. The bathrooms are clean and tidy. The kitchen is swept and mopped. The furniture is dusted and the floors vacuumed. Everything is perfect. It only lasts for about a half hour until the big kids are home from school and the littles are awake, but in that tiny moment, awww....I am completely calm.