Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Fail!
That big 3-5 is looming. I've accomplished none of the three goals I wanted to do by now-learning to surf, learning to scuba dive, and being finished having my children. Isn't that just pathetic? Ben keeps telling me that the whole goal to be done having children by 35 was not really a goal I could control, so it wasn't a great goal to set in the first place. I know that. But I have my own personal reasons for wanting to be finished by now, which I won't necessarily go into, but two of them being that after 35, the risk of baby loss and infertility go up. Ironic, eh? The scariest thing for me is to think that maybe I've already done what I set out to do. Maybe I am done with this whole baby making business. Maybe the last chance I had to have a baby is actually going to be postponed for the rest of my earthly life and my empty, aching arms will remain that way. I'm trying to be okay with that, but in reality, I'm just really not okay with it at all, and that looming birthday is just a reminder of it all. Stupid, stupid birthday.
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6 comments:
What the crap. Okay Cyndi I am coming to give you a beat down. Haha. Just kidding of course. I wanted to be done having kids by the time I turned 30 and that's not going to happen either. Goals are good to drive you to accomplish things but when things don't play out the way you want then you re-access and make NEW goals (or time lines). If you do this before you are 35 then you won't be not meeting you goal but striving to accomplish your new ones. I know you want nothing more than to hold a sweet little Jordan baby in your arms again. I want that for you too. Just try not to get down on your self because Ben is right. There is only so much you can do. Remember that lady from the bible who had a baby at like 100? I am sure she thought she would be done by 35 and lo and behold she had to wait like 65 more years. :) Hopefully you won't be 100 and more like 36 when it happens for you. Birthdays are fun so we WILL be celebrating so turn your frown upside down. By the way you totally surfed at the Provo beach resort. Check that bad boy off your list.
We can always get thrown off by what the Lord has planned for us... I wish we could just always be nsync and know we have the same plan no matter what. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just because you don't do it by a certain age doesn't mean you are a failure or that it can't happen. You can never be too old for surfing for example. And the whole baby thing- I know can be so so so hard. Don't lose hope though, it can for sure still happen. Love you and birthdays can be hard, but try to have a good one anyway.
I wish there was something that I could do to help lessen your pain. Just know your heavenly father loves you and does know you and knows what is best for you. So just relax enjoy your birthday next week and let things happen when they happen.
You always had the best birthday parties growing up....plan a big bash and enjoy it.
I get it! So frustrating. Don't let those goals keep you from moving forward and making new ones. Heavenly Father's schedule is so different than ours. It's hard to let go, but have faith. Age is just a number. 35 is not the end. I sure hope not. I'm three years older than you and I have so much more to do. Good luck on reaching those goals. You still have plenty of time!!! Love you!
Cyndi this sounds like we need to do a bday dinner! Why have we not done this! Pick a day and time and I am there. If its on a Wednesday night that is :) haha! If not I will try my very hardest to be there. I want you to know Im here for you girl.
Can I just say you are being too hard on yourself?
I think goals, in general, are hard. And probably the hardest part about goals is that we don't know how to accomplish them. We set them and then walk away. We don't do the things we need to do actually get them done. I have been thinking lately about some goals that I would like to accomplish and I have been reading about goals.
So, I have some questions for you:
(1)When you set these goals do you think they were achievable? Did you consider that Heavenly Father's plan might not be the same as your plan?
(2) After you set your goals what ACTIONS did you do to accomplish them?
(3)Did you create a back up plan if unforeseen trails, obstacles, financial problems came about?
(4)Lastly, what are you doing now so that you might be able to adjust your timeline and complete your goals?
I would like to remind you of what you said in your original, "I am going to be 35 next year" post.
"There's still good times to be had." Just because you are going to be 35 doesn't mean your life is over. Well, I guess there are some people that think the world is going to end on Sat. So, I guess we could never make it to 35. ;) Anyway, work on them now. Don't sit around in self pity because of the things you haven't done.
President Hinkley said, "You have not failed until you quit trying."
I am totally available for a little GNO. And I am free on Wednesdays!!
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