When the minutes drag

So it's Thursday-three weeks now since Gabriel was born-will I ever look forward to Thursdays again? They used to be our busy days but the kids quit gymnastics last week, so we're just down to piano lessons, so it's nice in a way, but I'm finding that the non busy days are often the hardest because there's not even an instant that I stop thinking about and missing Gabriel. When I'm busy I'm forced to think of the moment at hand, even if it's just a moment. It seems like the minutes just drag right now and I feel anxious for something to happen...someone to send me a message, naptime, Ben to get home and take over, bedtime...just anything to give me a break from my own miserable thoughts.

The last week has been a hard one for my thoughts and emotions. It feels like I feel a different one every few minutes and I hate the unpredictability. I'm a planner and I'm learning you can't plan grief. I think I'll be okay one minute but then the next I'm sad and then I'm angry the next. When they list the emotions of grief, I think someone left out envy, which is a pretty sucky one. Everyone, everywhere, is pregnant. It's not the best time to live in the baby-making capital of the U.S.-my own ward is having the usual baby boom that we've always been a part of. It's a conflicting emotion too because I honestly feel happy for all of my friends that are pregnant-it's the best thing in the world. I just want to still be pregnant so badly and I hate that I'm not and I hate envying others that are because I feel like it won't get me anywhere and that just makes me angry. I hate the emotion angry the most because that is when I just don't feel any comfort. It's so frustrating to be angry that I can't control this and feel anger that others aren't having to do this. Then it will move on to self-pity, which always follows with guilt. Everyone has their trials and I wouldn't want theirs or ever wish this on anyone, so the guilt can be overwhelming. I'm thankful to a friend who sent me a journal to write all of this in. Blogging has helped me to get some of my emotions out but the ugly emotions I just hate to share because that would just make me feel worse, and believe me, some of my thoughts are much worse than these.

I'm starting to feel better physically, so that's good. I hate the fact that I still have this little rounded belly. The Dr. reminded me that it was 19 weeks before my uterus was given the message to stop growing so I'm going to have to give it time to shrink back down. It's just annoying to have to wear maternity clothes still because I can barely squeeze into my pants. Maternity clothes in themselves are annoying but you usually have something to look forward to or something in your arms when you're forced to still wear them. It probably doesn't help that I have absolutely no energy to do anything so I spend most days on the couch watching the kids play or laying down reading. One of my friends has offered to go on walks with me and one of these days, I'm going to actually do it. One of these days I hope I have the energy to even go on a walk.

The energy part is really hard on me. I'm used to being out doing things and going places so usually if I'm lacking energy it's because I've had a full day. I want so badly to be normal again, but don't have much energy for normal and I don't know if there is a "normal" now. I dread leaving the house because I have to see people but I know seeing friends will only get easier. On Tuesday, we had a Joy school mom's meeting. It was the first time I had to go where I knew I had to see friends and talk. Ben gave me a good pep talk that morning and reminded me that I was going to see friends that I love, who love me back. I went and I was okay and it was good. I've missed seeing friends and hate how lonely it is. I guess I've gotten to the point where I can face friends again, so if you've been avoiding coming over because I asked people to stay away, you're welcome to come by now. I can handle friends and feel so blessed to have you. I even want to thank the friends that haven't stayed away. Some days those short visits where I could just hug someone and cry have made it possible for me to get through the day.

I guess the people it's hardest to face right now are the strangers, or the ones that don't know what I'm going through, or maybe they do but don't want to say anything to upset me so they don't say anything at all. I'm learning the littlest things upset me at inoppurtune times. The other night Nick had his first soccer game. We signed him up really late because we were debating between continuing gymnastics, which he really excels in, and letting him try something new. Then when we were finally going to sign him up, Gabriel died and everything hit, and we just plain forgot. So we just barely signed him up last week. I guess his school team was full and they placed him on another team but didn't let us know so we went the wrong time to the game and missed it. When we were talking to the lady in charge of all of the schedules and she told me we had missed it, I lost it. I just started crying and I'm sure that she thought I was the craziest soccer mom she'd ever seen. She apologized and felt bad. She even sent an e-mail saying how sorry she was. I just stood there crying and I couldn't talk and I couldn't possibly tell her why I was crying-that my baby had just died and the day had been especially hard because before soccer, we were supposed to have gone to our ultrasound appointment, and that soccer was really the last thing I cared about. I was thankful that Ben was there and could take over for me. It was just an awful, horrible moment and I dread it ever happening again. Man, this grief thing is awful, and I think I'm hating just about everything about it.