Be Still My Soul

The picture above hangs in our room just parallel to our bed. The one I found on the internet doesn't really do it justice because it's more square instead of rectangle, so much smaller and some people are cut off the sides, but I guess it will do. Before it was in my room, it was in parent's home and when my mom offered it to me, I was so excited to bring it into my own home. It's always been one of my favorites and brought so many moments of reflection on the plan of salvation throughout my life. I remember growing up and gazing at that picture for hours. I'd try to pick out all of the members of my family in the picture, hoping that all of my loved ones would make it to the side of peace and light, where the Savior was, and that we were all together. I even remember the one time I ever heard my dad swear and praying earnestly that somehow he'd be forgiven and still make it to Christ. It's kind of funny to think that now because my amazing dad is definitely going to be there, even with that one minor infraction. Anyway, all of these years, I've had myself picked out in that picture. Hopefully I'm not being presumptuous in thinking, hoping, I'd be on the side of the picture basking in Christ's light, but I've always pictured myself as the woman right there in the center, with the baby in my arms.

In the last couple of weeks, when I wake up in the morning crying or when I can't seem to get myself out of bed, having that picture right in my sight has brought me some peace and comfort once again. I don't know exactly how it will be when that time comes but I have faith and hope that I'll get to hold Baby Gabriel in my arms again. Joseph F. Smith, on the matter, said: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’

All I've ever wanted to do was to be a mother and I feel so blessed that I've been given the opportunity to do that in this life. I've often said that I wished I could always have a baby because they are just so sweet, so precious, so loving. They gaze at you with such love and are so thankful for everything you do for them and every moment serving a tiny baby is pure joy to me. Although I would never wish this for this to be the way for me to have a forever baby, the idea of someday having a baby in my arms again to raise is awesome. Now, it just comes down to being patient for that day to come and treasuring every moment I have with my sweet babies here on earth, which I don't think if I've been doing enough of. Thank you to all of you that have given them the love they need when I haven't had the energy.

Today I went to our church for the first time since Gabriel was born. Last week we were in Idaho so we went then, but this was the first time in my ward....and I've honestly dreaded it. This week has been absolutely the hardest I've had so far and part of that was facing people again. I know people love me and my family but like I've said before, I hate for people to not see me happy. I hate for people to see me cry and holding my tears back is near impossible right now. I am thankful for such an amazing ward. We really do have the best. I was told by a friend that the RS president told people not to love me too much and I'm so thankful for that-what truly inspired words. We've been loved and helped greatly but I'm also thankful that we have been given the space we've needed. I've been so thankful for those who have been inspired, I think, at the exact moment I've needed them, to offer a meal or babysitting or even a text or e-mail just sending love. I've literally had answers to my prayers within seconds of thinking I couldn't go on another minute without help.

Today was a mission farewell for two missionaries from our ward. I knew this and thought it was actually really good because there'd be so many people there that I could sneak in and sneak out. Plus I was sure the topic wouldn't be on overcoming grief or some other subject that would have me crying the entire time. It was good and the missionaries that spoke are going to be great ones. One thing that I loved was when one of the missionaries said that he brought his hymn book instead of his scriptures because the hymns testify truth to him. I loved that because I'm the same. I can't sing worth a lick and couldn't sing more than a few words today but the hymns chosen did speak to me. I felt the comfort that I needed today and I'm so thankful that I went. One of the hymns was "Be Still My Soul". I can honestly say that until today, I've never been so impacted by the words of that hymn, and I've never needed them so much. The last verse especially hit me:

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I feel so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, who know me and knew that I needed to have my soul comforted today. I can't wait for the day when we will meet again, and for the day that I can have my precious Baby Gabriel in my arms to cuddle and love-to have love's purest joy restored. It seems like it can't come soon enough.