So it's been a busy week because I really needed it to be. I've tried my best to get my house back in order because it's something I can control when I don't feel like I have much control in anything else right now. Plus when I'm busy, I don't have time to sit and cry. I still think of Gabriel constantly though. It's amazing how one little life can affect you so much. I miss him like crazy.
Part of cleaning this week included switching out Alexis's clothes and putting away all the clothes the kids had grown out of that have been sitting in the family room for the last month. I guess I should have thought about how horrible it would make me feel, especially when I got out those last few unisex onesies out of Alexis's drawer to store them away and put away some of the boys' smaller clothes. When I was pregnant, I was so excited to feel I was having another baby boy again because I really, really wanted a boy. I also packed away the last of the nursery items. My baby doesn't need any of those things and I wanted them to be his. This is the first time since we've ever had kids that I won't be pregnant on my youngest's 2nd birthday and I hate it because I've always had that little excitement of having a little baby again soon. That's the way we've always planned it. Seeing Little Lex grow out of her babyness is so heartwrenching right now. I can't believe I don't have another baby to take that spot.
I went through a huge thing of "This is not fair!" over the last week or so. It's just not. There is nothing about this that is fair. We wanted this baby so very badly and felt so much that he was supposed to be ours to raise. We're good people and we're good parents, right? Isn't that what Heavenly Father wants for his children-exactly what we could've provided him? We wanted him, we prayed for him, we planned for him, we prepared for him, and now we are left waiting until the next life until we get to have him. I have yet to see many blessings in this. I'm sure they'll be there someday but right now I can't find any.
Remember when I declared 2009 the year that just sucked? I had no idea how much more awful it could get. In fact, I thought it couldn't possibly get worse because I was at my limit then. The last two years have definitely been the hardest of my life with trials of all kinds hitting us from every side. Two years ago, right now, I was trying my best to "take it easy" so that Alexis wasn't born too early. I was so relieved when she was born on her term date-the day the Dr. said she would be okay and that she was born with relatively few complications. What a blessing she has been these last two years. I don't think I could have half of any positive attitude I've ever had without her sweet little spunky spirit here because it has just been trial after trial after trial since the day she was born. She, like the rest of my children, have given me reasons to smile through this all.
We had Stake/Regional Conference on Saturday and Sunday. The topic at Stake Conf. was of course, the pathway to happiness. Yeah, not feeling it. Thanks, my dear friend (you know who you are), for letting me know that's okay right now. I'm just not happy. I'm not. I know that someday I will be but right now I am not finding anything to be happy about. I can find some peace and comfort, I can even find humor and laugh, but I'm not "happy" and I hate that because I've never not been able to find a way to that. It's a little weird for me that this whole thing is called the plan of happiness because I know that's the ultimate promise and goal, but it's hard when happiness is not part of the journey right now.
Regional Conference was a little easier for me to take because it was about trials, and I totally get that. Even hearing about others' trials helps me to remember I'm not the only one suffering and it helps to get me out of my "poor me" mode. Julie Beck said something that really hit me, " We were promised trials. That's the reason we fought the war in heaven so that we could grow and progress. The Lord gives us these experiences so we can be more drawn to Him." I know that in the last two years, through all of these trials, I have drawn more close to Him. I've never prayed harder or tried harder to be a better person. I've tried to cherish my husband and children more, I've tried to make better choices, be more in tune with what the Lord wants me to do, and have done my best to serve in my callings and to serve others. I know I have so much further to go, but I feel like I've been making a concentrated effort to just be better. That's another point where the not fair thing comes in, because I feel like when I'm trying so hard, why do the trials keep coming?
I think that the last two years of awful have also helped me to prepare somehow for this, the death of Gabriel, the greatest of any trials I've had. At conference, Jeffrey Holland said, " Work to have faith so that when you need it, you will have it to rely on." I guess that's where the grateful part comes in because in a way, I feel like my faith has been prepared and I'm so grateful for that. I still hate the fact that my sweet baby boy is dead, but I have all the faith in the world that it's part of Heavenly Father's plan and we will be together again. If I didn't, I don't think I could do this at all because it's so, so hard.
Regardless of the preparation I've had, I still am having such a difficult time with the lack of control and disappointment I feel about all of this. I know that Heavenly Father gives us our freedom to choose but not everything is our choice alone and ultimately He's the one in charge. It's tough realizing I have to just turn this over to Him and trust Him that it will work the way He has planned because I'm a planner. I like things to go just the way I have planned and Gabriel was very planned and all my plans are askew now. I feel like I don't know what to do or how to make plans. Seriously, when you have such a big thing as the life of your child included in all of your plans and then he's gone, how do you just pick up and go on with those plans? I just wish I wasn't a planner right now. I wish I hadn't thought of feeling big and pregnant at Christmas and how it would be so special this time preparing for my baby's imminent birth as we celebrated our Savior's own birth. I wish I hadn't discussed when we'd bless him with my sister so that it wouldn't interfere with my niece's baptism. I wish I hadn't already thought of how we'd manage to go to Disneyland with a newborn for Kade's 5th birthday. I wish I didn't know what Gabriel was going to be for Halloween next year. I wish I wouldn't have planned to have all of my children's blessing and 18 month pictures displayed together on my wall for the rest of my life. Maybe most people don't make crazy plans like that, but I do. I plan everything. I just hate that all of these plans are ruined now and as much as I know that Gabriel will be mine forever, I really just feel so beyond disappointed that forever isn't now.
I just miss you so, so much today, sweet Baby Gabe.
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8 comments:
Believe me...you aren't the only one to make crazy plans about your babies' futures. As mommies, we dream about what each day will be like with that little one we are growing in our bellies. My heart still hurts for the two babies we have lost. To think that Spencer would have an older brother or sister, and that Baby Lucy would be baptized this year is so unreal but so missed.
That dear friend of ours knows what she's talking about when she says its OK to not be happy right now. Eventually, the happiness will work its way back into your life. I know it seems like it will never happen and it will take time, but it WILL happen.
We are here for you and LOVE YOU so much!!!
It may not be "fair," but Heavenly Father's plan for Gabriel was for him to leave this world without fault-- he is a perfect spirit. You don't need to feel bad for yourself when you know that he is still a part of your family, and indeed a very special child. As William Penn once said, "For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity."
The dreams of a baby are very precious and will be missed in this earthly life, but you have the opportunity to raise Gabriel in the milleniun, when everything is peaceful and it will be a joyful experience for your whole family. Your family misses Gabe, but they undoubtedly miss you, too.
Being happy is a choice. We were sent here to earth so trials could hit us and we could push through them and keep moving forward. Not so we could break down after a hardship and progress nowhere. It is hard, but it's supposed to be. That's why the Plan of Salvation is called our "test."
It's not as much about your missed hopes and plans than it is about God's plan for Gabriel.
Well I hate to be the oppostion to "anonymous", but here it goes. Happiness is a journey not a choice. I don't think you could ever lose a child and feel happy at the same time. That is complete nonsense. Pain and sadness over this death will diminish in capacity, but will still linger your whole earthly life. It's hard not being with the ones we love. God does have a plan for us, but we can still mourn the plans we have for our lives. Not everything that happens is joyous and it's enduring to the end that matters. Enduring is a journey as well. What matters most is that you have your faith. You can be faithful and pretty miserable at the same time. I think the break downs are perfectly appropriate and necessary. You have to deal with all the feelings that come along. They will not be happy rainbows and butterflies, but miserable awful feelings that you hate having, but you do and they shouldn't be swept under a hug so you can put on a fake smiling face. The fact that you are doing all the wonderful things IN SPITE of your sadness shows truly where you are at. Please do not ever let anyone make you think that being sad is wrong. It is the only way someone who has held their dead baby in their arms could feel this early on. Give yourself time and block out all the happiness is a choice crap. Happiness is a journey and you are on a bumpy path right now and I know you are pushing forward and being a great mother. Your kids don't miss you, you are right there loving them. I see that clearly. It's okay that they see you grieve. They need to know it's okay to be sad when sad things happen. I am quite irritated that someone would act like you are not doing the right thing. It makes me pretty darn mad. You are prosgressing far my friend. It takes you farther than you ever thought you could go. You can have peace in death, but happiness during the death of your child? Now that is just unfathomable! You don't have to post this because it may piss someone off. I just wanted you to know. Maybe you didn't read so much into their comment, but I did so sorry for rambling! I just love you so much and never want you to feel like grieving is wrong. Many have made me feel that way, but don't buy it. Own your feelings and work through them. That is how the strength and growth happen!!!
Well said Mindy. I do not know what it feels like and can not even fathom what you are feeling right now. It breaks my heart. I hope you find comfort and happiness. I love you!!
Mindy is completely right. I don't know who 'anonymous' is, but their comments are so insensitive! You are doing a great job dealing with your grief. Breakdowns will happen...it is only natural. You have had a devastating loss. You are not hibernating in a cave. You continue to do a wonderful job of taking care of your family. Please don't let comments like that bring you down.
Love you!
I have always believed that happiness is a choice. Some people choose to spend their lives in misery. However, grief over a loss as great as yours is not a choice. There are no rules to grief, there are no time limits. You just have to do the best you can. I've not had a child die, but I've had to say good bye to a precious baby I gave life to, so I know a little of the grief you are experiencing. I am also in constant fear of losing my own baby right now.
What I admire most about you,
Cyndi, is your faith through your trials. I don't pretend to know anything about what you're going through, but I do see what an amazing mother and wife you are. You said something about being good parents and deserving Gabriel. Of course you're wonderful parents and of course you deserved your baby. Perhaps that's why Heavenly Father chose you to experience this trial, even though it's unimaginably unfair.
You have a right to grieve and you have a right to be unhappy. You recognize the joy you have in your life through your children and your husband which proves that you will come to terms with this at some point and find your happiness again.
You are an amazing woman. Keep that in mind.
Well, now that I am balling my eyes out... I am glad Regional Conference was good for you. And your friend is right, it is ok to not be happy right now. I am a big planner too- so I can understand that. I am so sorry Cindy. Is all I can say is that I am continually praying for you, that you will have come comfort, peace and understanding in your life. Love you.
Hey_ so I know i have never commented on any of your blogs but i felt like i wanted to. I have had two miscarriages but never one that was very far along. That is so terrible! You have a right to go through every emotion you want too! I have a son who is 5 and severely autistic, although it is not a death, for some reason i have felt like I have grieved. He does not talk and is at about 18mos developmentally maybe? My 2 yr old daughter has well surpassed him. I know I will be watching over him well into adulthood_the hopes of school, marriage, a normal life is not going to happen. My little sis has a quadrapalegic cerbrel paulsey son who is 5, she has also mourned. We talk all the time. We are angry then happy! It is sooo normal to feel all of these crazy emotions. When im really down i just avoid people because everything they say irritates me! Ive learned that people are human and have no idea what it is "really" like. Anyway I dont mean to ramble but it is going to be a rollercoaster- so rely on your family and true friends. Everyday i wake up with a different emotion and I just take it one day at a time!! I love you_ i know how strong you are- and your children and husband are so lucky to have you!
heather hodgman kelly
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