How Blessed I am

So yesterday and last night were awful and by 10 pm I couldn't do anything but climb into bed to read and even doing that took all of the energy I had left. But it was there that I got the good kick in the butt that I obviously needed. Just the other night, after another particularly bad day, my dear friend Abby, who helps me every day, brought me a book that has helped her this last year since her Naki died. This book, When You Can't Do It Alone, by Brent L. Top, has already helped me so much to remind me that my Savior loves me and is there to support me through this. Last night, in my despair, I opened it up and read:

"The more I realized what the Lord has done for me, the more I felt guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. It's pretty hard, if not impossible, to say "Woe is me" at the same time you are saying, "How blessed I am." It's pretty hard to say " I can't do this" when you recognize all the ways the Lord has carried you in the past and helped you get through the worst things."

This statement just rang true at the exact moment I needed it. This week I just have let myself feel all the grief, and while that's important, I wasn't spending any time being grateful, and when I was doing that, I was just feeling progressively worse. I've hated that I just keep feeling worse and feel like there's no way to get out of this. I can't help but think that Baby Gabriel wouldn't want me to feel this way either. It's no way to honor his precious little life. That statement above helped me to realize to remember those moments, as rare as they are right now, that I'm grateful for.

Kade, Alexis, and I have this thing we love to do whenever we have a few minutes to kill. We drive up the canyon that we are so blessed to have just minutes from our house. We don't really drive far, just up to the Sundance turn off and then we turn around. Kade always makes a wish when we go through the tunnel and it makes him happy. Alexis has started counting when we reach the tunnel in her cute voice and gets so excited. I love this time with my kids. Any of you who know Kade, know that he's a busy kid-my dad compares him to a wind up toy because he just goes and goes and goes until he crashes into bed. But when we are driving in the canyon, he is calm and peaceful. Sometimes we have good talks and sometimes we just listen to music, but it's always relaxing and we all come back happy. I'm so grateful for that time I have with my sweet little ones.

This week we've made that drive every single day and though I wouldn't say that I've felt happy, I have felt peaceful for the entire duration of it. It is absolutely beautiful there. In that short drive, we see amazing rock structures, trees of every kind, gorgeous waterfalls, a rushing river. Right now the tops of the trees are just starting to turn red and the sunflowers are out in full force, brightening the sides of the roads. The beauty of this world that the Lord has given us is magnificent. I feel so very, very blessed to have the mountains right out my door, where in just minutes, I can feel at complete peace and be surrounded in them. I guess I imagine that Heaven is a little like those majestic mountains (with the ocean at the foot of them, of course) and Gabriel is there in that glory and beauty all of the time and that helps to brings me peace as well. I'm reminded that our Savior loves us so much that He has given us the beautiful things in this world to bring us the peace we need here. Even though this life has trials that may break us down, He's there to carry us and help us through the worst. I haven't spent time being grateful for that this week. I truly feel grateful and humbled for the reminder to be grateful and to remember how very blessed I am.