Happy 11th Birthday Skylar!!

Happy 11th Birthday to my sweet Skylar today!! I can't believe that she's actually growing up so fast! Skylar is my miracle baby. She's the baby that made me a mom after waiting so long to be one and the more I learn about losing babies, I recognize just how lucky we are and what a miracle she is. She was 4 days (actually 8 according to my timing) overdue, hadn't dropped, was completely out of amniotic fluid, her placenta was worn out and full of holes, and she had meconium in her lungs. Somehow, with a little bit of help, she safe and sound.  I truly know that she was meant to be here and I am so very thankful that she is. She is such a fun girl! She's growing up fast and wants to shave her legs, have sleepovers, listen to her music all of the time, go to concerts, and hang out with boys. She's already counting down the days to her being in Young Women. I hope I'll get to have her as one of my Beehives! She is such a good example to me of loving life, working hard, and always striving to do her best! We love you Skylar!! 

Here's Sky's song, Baby Mine: 

http://youtu.be/-AsRZCz9a_I

Thankful Thursday....I am actually loved.

Honestly, I didn't want to have a thankful this week. I skipped it on Tuesday on purpose. I had a few bad triggers and was just having a cry day. Some days just suck and I was completely horribly missing my babies. I was feeling lonely, invisible, worthless, and very unloved....and mostly by my Heavenly Father. I watched this video, and though I wanted  to believe it, I just couldn't completely:

   I too am thankful that God loves me enough to hurt me....but there is a point where the hurt lasts too long and aches too much that you don't feel very loved at all. I've really struggled feeling God's love the last few years, and especially in the last few months, after losing Reese. His loss has hurt even more because his life meant so much hope after such heartache. I know that He did love me at some point and that, logically, He must continue to love me to keep blessing me with the things that He gives me everyday. I recognize my blessings, but there's a difference between knowing and feeling.  Honestly, I haven't felt that He loves me for awhile.

   A few weeks ago, I actually prayed that somehow I would be able to feel His love for me. That maybe, through someone else, I would know He was listening. It was a Sunday, which are never easy for me, but I prayed that someone, anyone, in my entire ward would show me some kind of love that day and that would mean that Heavenly Father loved me. Well, that didn't happen. Not a soul came up to me the entire day. I didn't feel one ounce of love from the people that I expected to be an answer to my prayers. Our bishop often talks about mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort and I felt no support of any kind. I was feeling more alone than ever....and more unloved by my Heavenly Father than I've ever felt.

   I have to admit that this made me a little bitter. Not so much bitter that my babies are in heaven instead of being here in my arms, in my belly. But bitter that in all of this heartache, I had been abandoned. Let's face it, baby loss is not a popular thing, and here I am, this big loser who has lost three pregnancies in a row. I make people uncomfortable. My grief makes people uncomfortable. I'm well aware of that. But, this is my life. That's not all I am, but my children are a huge part of my life, as they should be, whether they are living or not. I am a mother. This is not the life I expected as a mother...and right now I feel so disappointed and so hopeless about it. I know the grief will ease in time and that the desperate ache will go away. I've learned that I can survive, but I often wonder if the feelings of true happiness will ever return...or if good times will. I don't want to be bitter about the future, but unfortunately, where I'm at right now, I am. I have just accepted that all I can do is endure this life, unloved by my family (except Ben and the kids), unloved by my "friends", unloved by my ward, and most of all, unloved by my Heavenly Father.

Okay, okay, actually this a thankful post. Believe me, I'm getting there. Even though that prayer wasn't answered in the time that I expected, my prayer to have someone show me that they loved me, came today, 4 months to the day that my teeny little Reese was born. My visiting teacher came bearing the greatest gift I could've received at this time. She brought me a can filled with my favorite candy (not that I needed that!) and around each candy a little note has been wrapped. Some of the notes are scripture and thoughts, but there are also notes in there, from friends in my ward, that took the time to write something that they admired about me. Notes that show that someone out there actually loves me. I can't even begin to express how very touched I am by this sweet gift at this time. I can't even begin to imagine just how much time it took for my awesome visiting teacher to go to the trouble of asking everyone to do that, and then typing each one up, wrapping each one around the candy, and bringing it to me a time I needed it more than anything. To everyone that contributed to writing those sweet notes of encouragement, I don't know who you are, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To my visiting teacher, thank you so, so, so very much for caring about me and listening to the Spirit to know exactly, exactly, what I needed. To my Heavenly Father, thank you for showing me you love me, even when I was beginning to doubt.

My heart is honestly so full of gratitude tonight for the precious and thoughtful gift that I received today. I know it was an answer to the many prayers I've offered. I wanted to read through each and every one of those little notes today, but my visiting teacher told me to open one each day because they will last about 60 days. That's enough time to get me through the due date of my early miscarriage that is looming next week...and it's enough to get me close to Reese's due date that looms even heavier just 2 months away. Although those dates will be hard because my hopes for my baby being here in my arms are shattered, I know that this gift will help me get to those dates knowing that someone in this big wide world actually loves me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Happy 4th Birthday Alexis Lou!!

Happy Birthday to our sweet and full of sass, Little Miss Alexis!! This girl is truly the greatest gift and has brought so much joy to us in the last four years, which have been our hardest. Everyday I am so thankful for the happiness she brings to our home with her happy & fun-loving little personality. She may seem shy to most, but she's actually has the major gift of gab and is always goofing around and making us smile and laugh. She truly wears a smile that can make me want to sing. We love you our sweet angel baby girl!!!

Here's Alexis's song, Angel, by Jack Johnson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr-Ff8us0Hg

Of course she knows this song by heart because we've sung it to her since she was born. The sweetest thing is when she sings, "We share the same soul, oh oh oh oh." Talk about melting your heart.

P.S. This beautiful girl of mine is my thankful of the day & every day!! 

Thankful Thursday....love at first sight

Yesterday I found the cutest little frame that is just perfect for our first and last picture of teeny Reese.  We had our first ultrasound with him at almost 10 weeks. I cried the second I saw our sweet baby waving at us and then Ben and I laughed at how sweet he looked dancing all around. He was so active and his heartbeat was so strong. I was so happy and relieved to see his little heart flickering on the screen and hear it beating so loud. I was already in love with him but seeing him made my love just grow so much. What I especially loved was that you could tell on the ultrasound just how perfectly formed he was already. His little hands...those perfect precious hands...were waving at us as if to say hello. He was just so beautiful!

We could hardly wait to show everyone the first picture of our sweet new baby. I sent it out via text and e-mail to the friends that knew. The next day we showed the kids and they were so excited to see this new baby that we had been praying and fasting for. At Nick's baptism we showed our entire family and the friends there.  Ben took the picture to his church meetings the next day with the entire Ward Council and Stake Presidency and showed him off there.  I remember everyone being so awed that you could see him so clearly in the picture. He was this perfect little baby. What a precious gift that was. Our sweet little Reese brought us so much joy. We were so happy to finally have him in our family. 

   I am so, so, so very thankful for this ultrasound picture and the memories I will always hold dear of seeing my little Reese so alive that day. With Gabriel, we never got to see him until he was already gone. I've always wished we could have seen him when he was alive because he was so active too. Yet, even though I had felt Gabriel kick and move, I didn't get that with Reese....something that I have greatly felt the loss of. Instead I got this picture and that few minutes seeing him on the ultrasound screen that made me fall instantly head over heels more in love with him. I know what a precious gift this picture has been to me. I am so very thankful that I had the chance to see my little Reese while he was alive and that I also got to hold his precious and perfect little body in my hand after he had died. Those are gifts that not everyone that goes through a first trimester miscarriage get. Although the circumstances around his birth were not pleasant and the D&C would have been so much easier, I know that Heavenly Father knew I needed to hold my perfect baby and get the chance to love him outside my womb and for that I am so thankful. I am very blessed.

GratiTuesday

Well, school's back in full swing and Alexis is even back to joy school. That leaves me all alone a few times a week. Again. I can't believe I have to go through all of this pain, loneliness, and heartache again.

There is one blessing in being alone though. I have the chance to go to the temple more often. Today I was very blessed to get to go. I've been really having a hard time and feeling that downward slide beginning again with due dates and birthdays and holidays coming and time marching on without my babies here and/or on their way. I needed something today and I'm so thankful that I could go and feel a little peace there. The Mt. Timpanogos temple is under construction but it's still the most beautiful building in the world to me. It's there that our forever family began and remembering that always brings me peace on the dark days.

Being September 11, it also reminded me of just how thankful I am to have the temple to seek refuge in on hard days. 11 years ago when those buildings fell, not all hope fell with them. There is still good in this world and in the world to come. 

I'm also thankful that we could go visit the Healing Field in Sandy today. This year the kids are really getting it and asking all sorts of questions. They are realizing more what a tragic event 9/11 was and why it's important to never forget the heroes made that day and the sacrifices that are still made with the heroes serving us every day. I am so thankful for all of their sacrifices and for the gift it is to our great country. We'll never forget.

Thankful Thursday

Today I was challenged to think of three things that I was happy about. Now, I'm usually pretty good at finding something to be grateful about....but I just wasn't feeling happy in the moment. Grateful, yes....happy, still not there....don't know if I'll ever make it back. Anyway, I had to actually think about it for a few minutes but finally was able to do it. My three things today that I am both grateful and happy (yes, I said happy) about were:

1. My kids are happy. They struggle sometimes with their own grief, but for the most part they are happy kids loving life.

2. Ben can now officially shave off his beard. It isn't gone yet, and in fact might stay through Halloween, but filming is done and he's free to shave away. I don't mind a beard though....I actually dig him with a beard. It's just super gnarly right now.

3. The very breath I breathe. We've been reading in Mosiah and King Benjamin talks about how we owe everything to our Heavenly Father because we are in debt to him even for our breath. Even on the days when it feels so hard to take another breath, I'm thankful that I'm still kickin because I have a lot of work to do to be good enough for those boys of mine.

Mom Challenge....Day 30

Late, as usual, but this is the last one!! 


Day 30: Today's focus: love

Well, this one is easy because I love, love, love my kids like crazy! Even when they drive me crazy I can't help but love each and every one of them for the gift they are to me. I truly am so very blessed to be their mom.

So, the challenge is over and I've learned that it wasn't much of a challenge at all. Most of the things on the list were things I do anyway and the things I didn't do are things I now want to do because they've helped me to be a better mom which is something I'm always striving to do. I have noticed that my relationships with each and every one of my kids has been strengthened as I've really concentrated on doing the things on the list. There's been a lot more cooperation and love in our household. I am so very thankful to be a mom and so thankful that I could do this challenge to strive to be a better one. I know I'm not going to be the best mom in history but I hope I can be the best mom to the kids I've been given because they are the world to me. I love you Skylar, Nickolas, McKade, Alexis, Gabriel, & Reese!!!