Sorry for the last sucky post, well kind of. I'm totally fine with people knowing how much this whole thing sucks. I'm fine with grieving out loud. I think so often, especially in this baby loss world, people don't want others to know how much they're hurting. Well, I'm hurting, a ton, and yes, still, even after all of these months. I think sometimes we, especially as members of the church, think that we should move forward and don't have the right to mourn so loudly, knowing what we know about the Plan of Salvation. While it is such a blessing to have that knowledge, it still hurts to lose someone. Even Jesus hurt. Even Jesus wept.

I think often that I'm not doing this whole grieving thing right, like there really is a "right" way to do it. Sometimes I think that I put a lot of pressure on myself to get through this with a stronger testimony that results in a more positive attitude and maybe help someone else in the process. I can honestly say my testimony has been strengthened so much by this...the positive attitude and helping thing, not so much. Instead of following one of my favorite quotes (check sidebar), I'm just enduring and not enjoying this at all. Someone pointed out to me that it doesn't mean we have to enjoy every minute of mortality, especially in our trials, but that we strive to find the joy in this life despite the unenjoyable, awful moments. They said that even President Hinkley, who the quote is from, grieved when he lost his wife. In the few years after she died before he was able to join her, he spoke often of how much he truly missed her and ached to be with her again. He, a prophet, who probably had more understanding of the plan of salvation than I'll ever fathom, ached at being separated from someone he loved.

Someone else told me that maybe the reason that this has been so hard for me is because I just love too much. If I have to be accused of doing something too much, I'll take that. I'm fine with loving too much, especially when it comes to my husband and kids. They are all my greatest dreams come true. Ben, Skylar, Nick, Kade, Alexis, and Gabe, you are loved more than words could ever express and as long as forever!! I hope you always know that I love you, even if it's sometimes too much!!


P.S. I miss comments. Even if you want to comment and say, "Seriously, Cyndi, what's your deal? You're such a loser!" and tell me not to publish it, at least I'd know you're out there. It's getting lonely on this end.