Enough

It's Spring Break this week for my kids. So for fun, let's see, Ben & I went to a concert (Arcade Fire...awesome!), I had a girl's night out (yay!), and my kids got to...clean their rooms. I'm like the meanest mom ever!! Nick even said "This is the worst Spring Break!" Okay, well I would agree, except that I really am excited about how clean their rooms are! Also, we also got ice cream as a reward, today, after the rooms were done, I did take them mini-golfing, and we've got big things planned the rest of the week. Spring Break wont' be a total bust!

So this wasn't just a simple clean your room deal. It was a drag everything out of the deepest crevices of the back of the closet and drawers, take out all of the outgrown clothes, dust and vaccum every nook and cranny, and completely overhaul the room-clean your bedroom kind of job. It was a huge job but it's so nice to have it done! So now I've been packing away the outgrown clothes and miscellaneous items, including all the remnants of baby stuff we still had lingering around. For the first time in 10 years, when I was pregnant with Skylar, every single item of baby stuff has been packed away. It's a sobering thought. We no longer have a baby in the house and Gabriel's presence is so greatly missed. Alexis, now at age 2 1/2 going on 15, is growing up, much too quickly for this mom. This month marks the longest we've been without the next baby being here to fill that physical role of the baby in that entire 10 years. My arms physically ache for my baby boy to be here where we want him to be. My heart aches that, for the first time in those 10 years, I have to pack away the baby stuff instead of passing it on.

I don't know if we'll have another baby. We thought maybe Gabriel was our last. We are hoping for another one, but that doesn't mean that it is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. If I've learned one thing from Gabriel's death it is that we are not in charge. I guess I didn't learn it, I relearned it. I realized that we weren't in charge way back over 10 years ago when we started this whole baby making business and ached so badly to be parents and waited and waited and waited until we realized that we had to wait for the Lord's timing, not just ours. I forgot it along the way but I remember now. I've had a lot of those hopeless helpless feelings that I had back in those yearning childless days, but back then, I knew, I just knew that we'd be parents someday. I don't know now if we'll ever be new parents again. There's no way to know that without time running it's course. That's scary. It's really scary. It's been one of the reasons I've been struggling again so much lately. It's hard to think that maybe our last experience with pregnancy and childbirth ended in so much pain and that's how we'll always remember it. It's hard to think that the new baby brother and sister that my children pray for every day and night might not ever come. All we can do is put our faith in Heavenly Father that what is right for our family will be what happens and then do our part (wink wink Arianne) to bring that to pass.

So, as I was packing away the last of the baby stuff, including a clean out of the kitchen cupboard still holding baby bottles and such, my heart was aching. I wanted so badly to just scream how unfair this all is. I don't want this part of my life to be over. I absolutely adore the baby stage. I love every minute of it....even the late nights, though my kids have always been the best sleepers as babies, so I haven't had anything to complain about. I love all those little moments that I don't even want to mention because I ache so badly for them right now. I want my little Alexis to have that "real baby" that she always asks me for. I want the ache to leave my children's eyes when they tell me how much they long to have a baby in our home again. I don't want to ever quit the baby stage. Ever. I always want to have a baby in my home. Always. But that's not up to me...and it's also totally unrealistic, of course.

In my ache and pity for myself I realized something. Some people have never, ever had the blessings of being a mother. Some have had to work so hard to even get the children they do have into their families. I've been there, for just a sliver of a moment, and it was so very heartbreaking, so very hard. I've always ached for others having to face infertility since then. But here I am, 10 years later, and I've had 10 amazing years of always having a little one in the house, in my arms. I've had 10 years of being fascinated with every first, every achievement, every adorable thing that these little ones do. I've had that time to soak it in and try to imprint those memories in my heart and try to never forget them. I've had 10 years to adoringly behold my little ones. While I still long to have a little one, I feel so entirely blessed that I already have had that chance. If this is all I ever get in this life...because wow, I still have the enormous blessing of raising my little Gabriel in the next life...it will be enough. It will have been an amazing, wonderful, fulfilling 10 years with little ones in my arms. It is more than enough.


Oh and 14 years ago today that most wonderful husband of mine asked me to be his bride. Best decision I ever made. Ever. In our life, we've had more laughter than tears and five incredible amazing little ones join our forever family. Like I said, more than enough. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve and beyond what I could've ever dreamed of.