8

First off, how lame am I that I asked people to comment, when really, what is there to say? I get that. I'm totally irrational at times, but grief will do that to you. Thanks to anyone who did comment. I appreciate your kind words and the love you show us. Don't feel you need to comment again, although I do love comments. Most people can see more rationally than me and sometimes I just need that. Second off, I'm pretty sure I should be banned from the computer when I'm being a nut case in my low points. Sorry for all of my ramblings. Some days are just so very, very hard. This week just happened to have more of those days than I could handle. Why don't they have secret don't publish buttons for when the computer senses those moments? But I guess those moments are the brutally honest moments and sometimes that's okay...just not pretty.

Today is the 8 month mark since the day we found out that Gabriel had died. It seems like the week leading up to those monthly marks always are tough on me because I just start thinking how long it's been since I've seen and held my little boy and how long I have yet until I see him again. This last week was particularly hard as we dealt with other stresses and disappointments. On Wednesday, we took Skylar to the Dr. after a few days of her just not feeling well and having an ache in her lower abdomen had turned into her sobbing in miserable stabbing pain. The Dr. said that it was without a doubt appendicitis. Anyone watch Friends? Well, if you remember a really old episode there's this time where Joey has kidney stones and he keeps asking the Dr. if it could be anything else and the Dr. just keeps saying, "Kidney stones." over and over. Yeah, that was our doctor. Appendicitis. But could it be anything else? Appendicitis. But anything else? Nope, Appendicitis. Then he basically says, " We'll call the surgeon as soon as an ultrasound confirms it. And by the way, get to the hospital pronto, ASAP, stat."

So, said hospital is the exact one that we had to go to when my OB couldn't find Gabriel's heartbeat. I sobbed the entire way there dreading walking through those doors again. I dreaded that the stupid ultrasound machine, who had not been kind last time, would deliver more bad news for another of my children. It was a very miserable moment for me. There was an old man in the waiting room just watching me as I sobbed with this look of helplessness on his face. I felt so entirely helpless myself. How could we possibly have to be there again, not even 8 months later? So, to make a long story short, after an incredibly long silent ultrasound the ultrasound tech. said that Skylar's appendicitis was thankfully the normal size. There were some lymph nodes that were very swollen probably causing her so much pain. Also a test, which the doctor gave us just as an afterthought, actually came back that Skylar had a UTI. With a round of antibiotics, she'd be fine in a few days....and she is, thank heavens. It was a bonus that she didn't understand what an appendicitis actually meant because despite Mom's panic attacks, Skylar, who usually freaks out at the mere mention of a shot, (and Ben, as usual) were completely calm through it all.

Last night, my friend called and asked if I'd like to join her for a late movie. We went to see Soul Surfer, which is based on the story of Bethany Hamilton, the surfer girl who survived a shark attack but lost her arm. It's a story that I've somewhat followed, because, um, yeah, she surfs (wish I did) and for two, she's awesome. While the movie was a bit sappy, it was really good. I would highly recommend it and if you don't like the sap, well, at least the beautiful Hawaiian scenery is astounding and the surfing is really cool. It's amazing how strong this girl has been despite the challenges she's faced with only one arm. She has great faith in our Savior and has not been shy to share that she's relied on His help every step of the way. She's gotten back in the water and become a national surf champion, and inspired so many on the way...me included.

There's this part in the movie when she is talking to her minister and she says, " I just don't understand. How can this be God's plan for me?" Okay, cue the sobbing from my side there. There are so many times I've asked that question in this trial of losing my precious Gabriel. The minister replies, " I don't understand why terrible things happen sometimes, but I have to believe that something good will come out of this."

I'm still at the point of not understanding why all of these trials keep hitting us and wishing for them to stop. I know the reason that Gabriel isn't here. I know his plan was different than ours and that his plan is filled with joy. At the same time, it's hard to be included in a plan for our family that also brings so much pain to our hearts and I don't get that part. I know that trials help us to grow but I've been so overwhelmed by having so much in so little a time. I don't know why we have had additional scares with other members of our family, especially our Skylar. I don't know why we've had all the stupid things of life seem to happen all at once. I don't know why I've struggled so much instead of being able to be accepting of all of this. But I do have to believe that something good will come out of this, as hard and hopeless as it all seems sometimes. Maybe it won't be the things I really want or expect, but Heavenly Father knows what I need, and He'll always provide that.

The other day, while we were headed to the hospital, Ben texted the bishopric to find someone who could come help give Skylar a blessing before she went into the expected surgery we thought she was facing. In just a short while, the news of Skylar being sick had spread and we had all sorts of texts and calls from people wondering how she was doing, how we were doing, what they could do to help us, etc. It was once again amazing to see how much compassion and love we felt from those around us the very moment we needed it. It makes me realize that in all of this, that is one thing that has been the good that has come out of this. We have been so loved and I think that, in return, has helped us to learn to love more ourselves.

There's an old song I love by Nat King Cole, called Nature Boy. There's a line in it that I love. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Thank you to all of those of you that love us, through the good and the bad, and especially through the insane rantings of a grieving mother.