How do I do this...again?

So it's here...the week of the due date-Friday, the 7th...finally, as much as I wish it would just go away. But of course it can't. It's just like labor...you get to this point and realize with some panic that you have to go through it, no matter what. There's just no way to avoid it. But unlike it, that prize I longed for, wished for, planned on, counted on, needed so very badly, can not be had. So how do I do this? I have no clue.

First, and foremost, I want to thank any of you who fasted for me this Sunday and have prayed for me. Believe me, I've felt the power of your prayers. It is a humbling thing to know that people care enough to fast for you, pray for you, and take the time to put your name in the temple. I have felt so much peace from knowing so many care. I truly appreciate it and love you for it. I know that I still have to do this, but knowing that I have your faith behind me is helping me in ways I can't describe.

In a way I feel like maybe, if I can just get past the due date, that things will start looking up again. There was a time I was feeling better and finding hope despite Gabriel's death and I know it will come again. I can honestly say that I finally got to a point where I knew that this is the way it was supposed to be. It is the plan for Gabriel's life, for our family, and I am still at peace with that. I remember specifically when the physical ache left my heart and instead the peace entered. I'm so thankful that the peace of that hasn't left. I still know. I still feel that peace. Just because the grief hit again like a train doesn't mean that I don't know. Even though I know this is the way it's supposed to be, it would never be the way I want it to be. I'm just not that strong, but who is? I've grown so much through this, in ways I didn't know I could and ways I definitely didn't ever have the desire to. But just because you grow, just because you accept, and just because you find that peace, it doesn't mean that you won't ache too and still feel the loss of the dreams you had before.

I've had so many ask me what we are going to do for Gabriel's due date. I honestly have no clue. What do you do for something like this? It most certainly isn't his birthday and probably wouldn't have even been his birthday in the first place and it's especially not a joyous day, but at the same time, it's a significant day. It's a day I know I'll always remember because that's just me and I feel that especially this year, we need to commemorate it somehow but I don't know how to even begin. We thought about going out of town, but it didn't work out, and it's not like going out of town would have helped us escape it. It's here. It's real and we just have to go through it. I most certainly know it will be hard and it will be painful...but at the same time I don't want it to just be hard and painful. I want it to be good. Gabriel died, but he also lived, and I want to cherish his life, not just ache for it.

I've had so many dear sweet friends offer their help this week...babysitting, meals, etc., etc., and I don't know how to even respond. Will I need those things? Probably. But will I ask for those things? Probably not. I still find it so hard to have to depend on others. It's not me. I've always been the dependable one....and yet, I'm not anymore. Grief sure finds a way to kick you down to the ground and when it does...those things like caring for your children and making a simple meal are just so overwhelming....and even more overwhelming is having to ask for help, and so I won't. I guess in a way, those same guidelines from when I first had to face this still apply, since I'm facing it again, in a different way. So, maybe, if you feel you want to do something, then just do it. Just say...I'm doing this at this time. Or whatever. I don't know. I've found that in situations like these, when I've listened to the spirit, I've somehow known what to do. I've also found that the days when I've needed and pleaded for something so badly, Heavenly Father finds a way to send my earthly angels my way, either with a visit, a text, an e-mail, or whatever. If you can't handle saying anything in person, I understand that, and a message does wonders, especially if you say Gabriel's name. If you're thinking of us, let us know, because we probably need to know, and maybe you're the answer to our prayers right when we need it.

Maybe the best thing that anyone could do for us is to just remember. That's really what I want and need. I just need people to remember me, remember my husband, remember my children, and especially remember my Gabriel. Remember that he is real. He's our son. We held him in our arms and had to do the hardest thing any parent has to do for their child. We had to say goodbye...for this life...and that's huge. Remember that this is when we planned to be so happy with our little son and baby brother, and that we won't get that now, and grieving at the due date is a normal thing. We didn't expect this to be our life right now with this sweet precious son of ours. We have to wait, and even with the promises of having him again, we are human, and the ache of not having him now is strong. We are all disappointed and heartbroken. It will get better, I know. I have great faith in the plan of salvation and in Christ's atonement, but for now it is awful and real, and the fact that you remember that means the world.