Glimpses of Me

Last weekend our friends, the Hoens, invited us to their cabin near Heber, with our other friends, the Tongs. We love going to their cabin! We always have a good time...and this time was no different. We had to hike into the cabin and go back out on snowmobiles, which added to the fun of just really feeling like we were away. We ate a bunch of good food, went sledding, snowmobiling, played games late into the night, had FHE together, celebrated the first of our kids to turn the big 1-0 (Donovan), talked, and laughed...a lot...and I needed it. I've just been so down lately. I needed to get away for a bit and enjoy some good times with some of my very best friends. Thanks Hoens & Tongs!!

Fun in the snow...the kids played for hours and hours and hours.

First time on a snowmobile for the kids!
















Our fam: The Whole Gang (We love you guys!):So in the midst of all that fun, I was still blue....not the same as I am every day, but still just incredibly sad. If you have to be blue, it's good to have friends that still love you and bring some smiles out though. I just have a lot of the "what ifs" right now, especially since Gabriel's due date. If he had been born...we wouldn't have even been there last weekend-packing a newborn into the cabin is not a great idea. If he had been born, we would be getting to know him, exhausted with lack of sleep (and not the kind I'm having), loving every minute with our sweet, complete family. If he had been born, I can only imagine my happiness. If he had been born, if he had been born, if he had been born...wow, there's just so many what ifs that run through my mind on a daily basis. I thought maybe getting through the due date would help me, but I guess I'll always have these what ifs. When this time of year rolls around in ten years, I'll think what if Gabriel was here and we were celebrating his 10th birthday....what would he be like, look like, like to do...etc., etc., etc. For the rest of my life, I'm sure I'll have those what ifs. The prospect of feeling this pain forever, even if it does get better, just seems so daunting and so unbelievably overwhelming.

I thought a lot over the weekend about the last time us three families spent the weekend away together. It's amazing how your world can change so drastically in just 5 1/2 months. Just the week before Gabriel died we all went camping at Fremont State Park and had a blast....and I was so happy then. There was an afternoon on that trip, the day I hit the 16 week mark, that I remember so vividly. It's one of my last vivid memories of being with Gabriel and just relishing in his little movements. Alexis and I had gone down for a nap in the tent and after I awoke to the beautiful hills and soft breeze flowing through the tent and the trees above, I just lay there with my two babies and loved them. Gabriel was squirming around like his crazy little self and I just thought how wonderful it was to be a mother, to be in nature, to be alive. I couldn't wait to meet the little guy who I'd already grown to love so much. I love that memory that I have of that time with Gabriel. I'll always cherish it.Look how genuinely happy we all look in this picture, especially me. That's not a fake smile...like the one I've been sporting lately.So here I am, 5 1/2 months later, and I'm completely different than I was that day. My friend, Adrianne, texted me after we got back from the cabin this weekend and told me that it was so good to see glimpses of the old Cyndi throughout the weekend. Wow, the old Cyndi. It's hard to think back about me then. I wonder at times if I'll ever make it back to the old Cyndi again and I know that I won't, not completely. I had no clue then what pain actually meant, as anyone who has never been here could ever know themselves. I so wish no one ever had to feel a pain like this-a pain so devastatingly heartbreaking that it changes you into this person that you don't even recognize yourself. I wish I was the old Cyndi but I'm so thankful for the people that still accept and love this new Cyndi. I know I'm not even remotely fun to be around, but there are still those that accept that and take the time to be around me, to love me, and show me that, even if it's a new me. As for the glimpses of the old Cyndi...I'd be totally down with getting away every weekend and seeing if those come around more often.