The Due Date

So, guess what, I did it! Like I really had a choice, right? But I did it, and I survived it, and in the end it wasn't so awful. I've come to realize that the build-up is part of what is so awful....and it was. I've been so horribly depressed, so filled with dread, over this one day and over getting through the holidays knowing every day could have been his birthday, yet knowing that could've doesn't mean should've because even if I hate it, Gabriel is where he should be.

The night before Gabriel's due date was rough. Oh how I miss my baby and I just felt so completely, totally empty. I had to take Nick to a make-up karate class and sit there, next to two ladies with their adorable brand new baby boys, while one tried to strike up fifty conversations with me, and I really, honestly just wanted to tell her to leave me alone. I'm not usually so unfriendly, but she had the one thing in her arms that continues to shatter my heart into a million pieces...the one thing that is so unreachable for me, and I just didn't need the reminder, especially that day. It sucked. I put on my brave face and tolerated her questions with a wane smile, tried my best to avert my eyes to her face and not her precious baby in her arms...until she finally gave up, thank goodness. I felt bad, because I just couldn't do it that day, and she had no clue why, and probably just thought of me as incredibly rude. I barely made it out of the place without breaking down. It was such an answer to my prayers to have a friend at my home as soon as we pulled up bringing a delicious meal for our family. It was what I needed so badly that night, so thank you, sweet friend.

I went to bed feeling pretty low and pretty sad. We still didn't know what we were going to do to make the day special and it was really weighing on my mind. The next morning, I woke up, and I had an enormous feeling of peace. It was amazing. I took the advice of a friend and started the day out pampering myself by finally using a gift certificate I'd had forever for a massage. The massage therapist asked me if there was a special occasion and when I told her, she responded perfectly. I worry so often about what people will say because so many times, even with people I love, so many have said the wrong thing or just change the subject so they don't have to respond. I was amazed that this girl, not more than 20, and a stranger, just had the right words I needed that morning. They weren't anything profound, but she just showed genuine compassion for my loss. The massage was so relaxing and the peace I had woken up with continued.

Ben took the day off work and we did nothing. Nothing. I can't even remember the last day that we did nothing....quite possibly it may have been before we had kids. I mean, of course, we did take care of our kids...but nothing else. We just relaxed the entire day...and we needed it and we deserved it. After the kids got home from school we had finally come up with an idea to remember Gabriel. We each wrote him a note and then we went and bought some balloons, and headed up the canyon. Oh, how I miss the canyon. I haven't been there too much lately because of the snow and icy roads and such, but in those dark first days when Gabriel died, I went there every single day....and many days since the majesty and beauty of those mountains have brought me so much peace. It was the perfect place for us to go.

We attached our notes to the balloons and then got out into the freezing cold, yet beautiful day and let the balloons go....and watched them take our messages to heaven for Gabriel....and it was the perfect thing to do. The kids absolutely loved it. Doing things to remember their brother brings them such happiness. We watched until those balloons disappeared and it was just nice. Alexis was so sweet as she waved bye-bye to her balloon and blew kisses to heaven for Baby Gabe.Watching those balloons float away brought a sense of closure, I think. As if the symbolism of those balloons floating away somehow represented our earthly life with Gabriel coming to a close. The due date always included him. It was always a part of his life, from the very first moment he was conceived, even if he didn't make it to it...and now with it being gone, his earthly life could have some closure, and he could really move on, in a way. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it does to my heart and I'm glad we found a way to remember and make it special.
We then had a special treat of going out to dinner and then headed home to watch a movie with the kids. We watched Ice Age 2, and I sat and watched my kids laugh their little hearts out....and I felt completely, totally blessed.

There are so many times through this journey of loss that I've just felt so much despair but at the same time so much gratitude for my blessings and it seems so very incompatible to feel both. A dear friend and I talked about it the other night...it's like you know you have so much but there's just that one thing, the one thing you want more than anything to complete that happiness, and it's the one thing you can't have. So, instead of being able to feel the constant gratitude and find any happiness you have these sort of childish tantrums because you just want that one thing and your heart aches so badly for it, and yet you know it's completely unattainable, which leads to even more aching, and unfortunately more tantrums. So those moments, the moments my heart is bursting with gratitude, are the moments I have to fill my mind with, and remember until my arms can be completely filled again. It's moments like those that make me think that maybe this thing called "happiness" can be mine again....maybe not now, but someday.

Thank you so much to our wonderful friends and family who made an effort to remember us on Gabriel's due date. We have definitely learned through this trial just how much we are loved, and that is an amazing and most humbling gift.