Too many goodbyes

So today is the first day of school. The kids are all gone, except for Alexis, who is sleeping. My house is so quiet and it's nice. I need this. I usually really hate this day because I love being around my kids and doing fun things with them. But the last two weeks haven't been fun and it has taken every ounce of energy I have to do anything. I haven't been fun and they're kids and they need fun. I hope they are all having a great day. This year is a big one for all of them. Skylar is in the big 3rd grade, meaning she's almost a big kid. Next year she moves onto the upper grades so this is the last year I get to call her a little kid, I guess. Nick is in 1st grade. He gets to stay at school all day and eat lunch there, which is so awesome in his mind. Skylar and Nick could hardly contain their excitement today and started off to school 25 minutes early...without even saying goodbye. Good thing we live close so I could yell at them to come back for pictures and hugs. Then, there's Kade. Kade started preschool today. We're going to do preschool and Joy school this year because Kade is the kind of kid that needs to be doing something all of the time. He's so excited. He had his backpack on, ready to go, when Skylar and Nick left even though he didn't start until much later. He could hardly make it through lunch he was bouncing in his seat (resulting in needing a new clean shirt before he had to go) and looking out the window to see if his friend he gets to go with was there to pick him up. I don't know if he even knows what preschool is all about, except that it means he's big now. Alexis was just as excited as Kade, even though she didn't have anywhere to go but down for a nap, but the excitement of the day hit her and she was so ecstatic to put on her backpack too. It's so hard to see my babies growing too quickly into these little people and say goodbye to their babyhood.Last night all of the kids lined up for father's blessings from Ben. After Kade and Nick received beautiful blessings, sweet little Alexis scooted into their spot. She folded her arms and closed her eyes, ready for her turn. It melted my heart. I feel so blessed to have these sweet little spirits in my home. After Alexis's blessing where she was so reverent and still, it was Skylar's turn and then mine. I really needed it. This grieving thing is so much harder than I could have ever imagined it could be and the thought of a new school year for my kids is overwhelming. I feel so blessed to have a husband who honors his priesthood and is able to bless us with the strength and comfort to get through this new life of ours.

This last weekend we spent up in Island Park, ID, near Yellowstone at the condo that I've grown up going to. This last summer adventure has been planned all summer and has been on the top of our kids' list of things to do so we really felt like we should go. Island Park has always been a huge part of my life. Ben and I went on our honeymoon there and we've been almost every year since we've been married. I've spent probably half of my birthdays there and have so many memories of fun family vacations. I've taken so many friends there-my parents were nice enough to let me always bring one and sometimes even a few. It's kind of like a home away from home. This trip was bittersweet, not only because of what we're going through, but because this was our last trip to that condo. My dad sold it last week. Ben and I wished we could've been the ones to buy it but that just wasn't possible. It won't be our last time to Island Park, of course. We still have a family cabin there (full of spiders and bats-so not Ben's favorite) and my dad and mom have generously given us a part of their time share at a condo a few down from the one they owned but it's not the one I grew up with and so it will be different. It was hard to know it was the last time we'd be there and I tried to soak up every detail of the condo I've always been lucky enough to get to go to.

It was nice to get away. Our friends, the Coxes, came with us. We had talked about them coming for a few months but didn't even solidify that we were going until the night before so it was good they could pick up everything and come still. It was good for me to have someone else there so that I would do something besides stay in bed. It helped me to know that it's good to be around friends. I tried my best to put on a good face and enjoy it. I know my kids most certainly had fun. They probably love the Cox kids a little too much and were definitely spoiled with good food and shoulder rides the entire time. We had a good time-we went to Yellowstone for two days, went to the Wolf and Grizzly Discovery Center in West Yellowstone, and went canoeing on the Snake River. Someday maybe I'll have the energy to load some more pictures up and blog about it. It was nice to be away from home a bit in such a beautiful place where I really feel comfortable. It was so hard to come back home because everything is different now. Life is altered and I know it will never be the same.

So that's another thing to say goodbye to-the life we had and planned on having. It was a good one and it still is, but it's different. I read somewhere about how it's like something has been shattered and pieces are lost so it will never be put back just right and that's exactly how it feels. I know this whole grief thing will ease in time but the fact that Gabriel isn't with us will never change. Whenever we took a family picture in Yellowstone it hit me. He's missing. He's still a part of our family but he won't be here on Earth and I miss him so much. All of our plans for the rest of this life included him and it's so disappointing to think of all of this without him. So while I know that this is not goodbye to our sweet Gabriel, who will always be a part of our eternal family, it is goodbye to the dream of all he was going to be and do here. I've never been good at goodbyes and I hate this.