How do I do this?

On Monday I went to a routine Dr.'s appt. I was 18 weeks and 3 days. The Dr. measured me and said I was measuring right on and then he listened for the baby's heartbeat only to not find it. My placenta sounded really good and he seemed positive that the baby was just lying towards the back of my uterus. But just in case, and so I could sleep, he sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. I called Ben and we dropped the kids off at our friends and headed to the hospital. Even though the Dr. had been reassuring, I knew what we'd find.

The ultrasound technician was just so quiet. I knew that he couldn't find the heartbeat but he still did measurements for awhile and said nothing. Ben held my hand and watched the screen. I never even looked at it, although Ben was able to get some pictures from the hospital I've now seen of my precious baby. The tech confirmed that the baby did not have a heartbeat and wasn't moving. He said that the baby was measuring at 15-16 weeks so that means that it had been dead for a week or two already. I wish my body had known it. I wish I didn't have to know it now.

The last few days have been a blur. I've pretty much been crying since the tech told me. I haven't been able to sleep much and I've just been trying to make it through until I could get this next part over. I've tried so hard to be brave for the kids but I know it's okay for them to see me cry about losing this baby. This baby was meant to be ours. Even before I decided that I was okay with having a fifth child, I knew I was supposed to. I felt that longing and feeling that I was to be a mother again. We were so excited that everything was working out. Our kids were so excited. When we told them the baby had died and gone to heaven it was so confusing for them, I'm sure. Skylar understood and started to cry and was really weepy for the first two days. Nick understood but just got really quiet. He still hasn't talked much about it and I know he doesn't know how to act. He has been the most excited for the baby, even before we got pregnant so I know he is grieving. Kade is so confused. We've told him that the baby is in heaven and he knows that if we ask him. At the same time, he just told me yesterday that the baby will just come later. Alexis probably has no clue, but has been very affectionate with my tummy for the last month or so and babbles to and hugs the baby but she hasn't done it much the last week or so and not at all since we told the kids. Maybe she knows somehow.

I've had plenty of little trials but never one big one that hurt so very much. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and for my family and although this is so hard now, I know that someday it will all make sense. I know that this baby will be mine to hold and raise later. I have total faith in that but it just hurts so much to know that I don't get to do that now. I am heartbroken and confused and devastated.

The hardest part for me is that I have to tell people. Ben and I have been so careful in the past to not really tell anyone about our pregnancies until I'm out of the first trimester, just in case. I knew that if anything ever happened, we'd tell close family and friends but just to be safe we'd kept it to ourselves until the risk of miscarriage went down. So here I am at close to 19 weeks and practically everyone knows that I'm pregnant. I can't even begin to trace my steps back to who doesn't know. My whole family, my whole ward, anyone who reads this blog, all of my friends on Facebook, even casual acquaintances like the moms I talk to at Skylar's dance or the boys' gymnastics. How am I supposed to tell all of those people about this? I can't even talk to my family or my friends about it yet. I'm not one to be totally out there with my feelings and I really don't like people to know when I'm upset. I try to stay positive and look for the best but it's hard to see that right now. So I just don't want to talk to anyone besides Ben and my kids. Ben has been the strong one and has told some people, although he's grieving too and not wanting to have to tell anyone either. I haven't talked to anyone except my parents and Ben's mom who have come to help with the kids. I just can't yet. I'm sorry. Somehow blogging about it seems easier because I won't have to say the words to anyone.

This pregnancy has been difficult, I'm not going to lie. I have felt awful and nauseous and exhausted the whole time. I've dealt with high blood pressure, which I've never before had, and that made me feel even worse and more scared. I've tried not to complain too much but it just hasn't been good. But I loved feeling our little one make little jabs and nudges in my belly. I loved dreaming of our baby and the excitement of wondering what he/she would be like, look like. I loved having my other babies touch my tummy in excitement and seeing the anticipation in their eyes. I loved talking about names for the baby and being excited that we weren't going to find out until the delivery if the baby is a boy or a girl. And as much of a pain as it has been, I've loved helping the kiddos switch rooms in the last couple of weeks so we could make room for this baby in our house. The girls moved to the boys' room and the boys moved to the girls' room where we could get them a bunkbed and still have room for the crib. It was going to be crowded and crazy but it was going to be so fun with our little party of five. I made Ben take the crib down last night. I just didn't want to come home to it being empty and knowing it won't be filled any time soon.

So here I am, in the hospital, being induced. This is a late miscarriage so the baby is too big to have a normal D & C. I have to actually labor with it and deliver it. It's going to be a really long day and maybe go even into the night. I've had doctors, nurses, and social workers in asking how I'm doing. I don't know how I'm doing. I can't imagine how I'm going to do this. I really just want it to be over and to be back at home where I don't have to cry in front of complete strangers and answer any more questions. The Dr. does say that maybe this is for the best because they might be able to find out what went wrong with the baby because it is big enough to examine. All I know is that the baby is dead and I'm not even sure if I want to know why. The baby is going to be so tiny but we will also be able to hold the baby and say goodbye to it but I don't know how to do that either. I don't know how to do any of this.