One Week

So it's been a week since Baby Gabe was born. Ben and I kind of have a tradition of watching for the very moment our baby turns a week old and then we just sit in awe of them. It's always amazing to us that even after a week they've completely changed our lives and we can't imagine it without them in it. Baby Gabe's first week hasn't been the same as the rest of our babies' but at the same time I can't imagine our life without him. I miss him so, so very much.

I've tried to think of the blessings of having to go through this trial and as overwhelming as the grief part of this has been, I know I've seen some already. I keep thinking of the timing of all of this. Being further along with Gabe meant some really awful physical pain along with the emotional pain but I am thankful for the extra time as well. I'm thankful that I was able to carry him long enough to be able to feel him move. I read a quote by Brigham Young that talked about the timing of when a spirit enters a baby's body and how when you see the baby moving it testifies that it's spirit is in that little body. I never got to see Gabriel moving because he was already gone when we had the ultrasound but I felt him often before that and I'm so grateful for those few weeks where I could lie down and rest and wait to feel him move. Nothing brought more happiness to my day than feeling his little nudges. Since he's been gone that's been one of the hardest things for me. When I lay down, I feel nothing. I feel empty. The two worst times of the day for me are trying to sleep without little Gabe fluttering around and when I wake up in the morning and realize this is all so real.

I also think that the timing of this was a blessing to my children. We actually took them with us to the Dr. to hear the heartbeat when I was about 14 weeks along. They were so excited and it was awesome to see that. Then Gabriel died around 16-17 weeks. They didn't go with me to my 18 week appointment where the Dr. couldn't find his heartbeat and I'm glad because it was the scariest moment of my life. I'm thankful for dear friends that took the kids at a moment's notice so that they didn't have to go to the ultrasound with Ben and I where we found out that the baby was gone for sure. I'm also thankful that we found out then. My next appointment at 20 weeks was supposed to be the big ultrasound and we would've taken the kids to that as well. Even though the loss of their baby brother has been a blow to them, I'm so glad that they didn't have to experience finding out in a Dr.'s office instead of in our home where we could really talk to and comfort them in privacy.

I've been so amazed at the amount of love we've felt. I'm so thankful for those that have mourned with us and the support they've given us. I'm so thankful for modern technology and as dumb as I felt putting this whole thing on my blog and on Facebook, I was amazed how much more simple that really made it for me. I don't have to tell my story a thousand times now because of the internet and really, that's a huge blessing because I haven't felt up to talking to too many people face to face. There's a few that I have felt okay doing that with and it has meant the world to me to have their hugs and support this week. I'm thankful for those who have respected my desire to be alone with my family. I'm thankful for the family and friends that have loved my kids enough to take them for the entire day. I'm thankful for all of the friends who have gone through something similar that have given me strength through their stories. I'm also thankful for those that haven't and haven't tried to pretend they know what I'm going through but have just sent their love our way. I'm thankful for the food that has been brought by because cooking, even eating, has been the last thing on my mind. My kids have absolutely loved having all the baked goods show up-what a treat-especially since I'm not a treat kind of mom. I'm thankful for a friend that brought me a book about infant loss and the gospel that has given me great comfort. I'm thankful for flowers that have brightened our home. I'm thankful for a dear friend that brought each of my kids a Webkinz that they could love and find some comfort with. Thank you, thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and especially your love.

I'm especially thankful for the gospel and my testimony of it. I don't know how someone could go through this without the plan of salvation, without knowing that someday they could see their loved ones again. I'm thankful to have grown up having a sister in Heaven who I've always felt a strong bond with and have known I'd see again. I feel Mary Gwen is watching over my little Gabriel for me and I can't wait to see them again someday. I'm thankful that in the last year especially, my testimony of the plan of salvation has strengthened tenfold through the trials of my sweet friends who have shown me their strength in their losses. They have shown me so much support and love this week. I'm so glad you've had my back.

I am so thankful for the man I married. I don't know how I ever got so lucky. What an example of a true follower of Christ he is to me. He hasn't spent one moment thinking of himself this week. He's even worried that he hasn't been helping others as much as he should. Isn't he great? My kids are also amazing. Skylar, at age 8, has taken over mom duty this week, getting the kids fed and dressed for me. Nick has done everything I've asked without a second thought and always gives me quick hugs right when I need them. Today Kade just lay with me and patted my arm when I was having a really tough moment. Alexis has made me smile through the pain with her sweet spirit and fun personality. Even though I ache for Gabriel, I feel so very, very lucky.

Don't get me wrong. I am not some kind of super human who isn't aching with every breath. This is hard, so incredibly hard. I've questioned why so many times this week. I've wondered why I would have ever agreed to this and why me? I don't think I've made it through an hour without crying. I've spent hours on the couch watching nothing on TV because I've been too consumed with sadness to move. I've wondered how I'm going to get out of bed in the morning and face another day without all of my children in my arms. I still wonder how I'm going to do this every day until I see my precious baby again. At the same time I've come to realize that I will be able to do this by leaning on my family, my friends, and especially my Savior. I've made it a week. I can do hard things. What a blessing it is to know that.