Our Little Baby Boy, Gabriel

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life. It was so difficult to have to go through hours and hours of painful labor knowing what the end result was going to be. Our precious little baby boy, Gabriel, was born at 11:20 pm. He was so very tiny-just 2 oz. and 5.5 inches long-about the length of my open hand, but he was perfect. It was amazing to see how he was just this little person with eyes, ears, nose, mouth, high cheek bones just like Ben's, 10 fingers with little fingernails, and 10 toes...all perfectly formed. It really humbled me to know how truly amazing life and creation is.

From the beginning, I knew that he was going to be a boy. We had decided not to find out what the baby's gender was until he was born but it didn't matter because I knew. I also knew that he would be my Baby Gabe. Ben and I never choose a name for our babies until we see them and then still it takes us days to really decide. Gabriel has always been on our list and when I got pregnant, I just felt that was his name. Ben was upset that we didn't have a long time to name him-he takes months preparing for naming our babies-but when I showed him a list I had made a month or so ago and Gabriel was on the very top, he agreed with me that it was his name. The name Gabriel means God is my Strength, which I feel is so appropriate now as we are having to depend on Him to get us through this.

In the end, it was a blessing to have to actually deliver him. Besides getting to see him and hold him, we also found out what went wrong. Our baby's umbilical cord was very twisted and thin near the insertion into his belly. The Dr. said that it is a called a cord accident when this happens and accounts for 90% of second trimester miscarriages. He said it's a wonder it doesn't happen more as babies move around and twist around the cord all of the time. He said the baby had been dead about a week. I've been trying so hard to remember the last time I felt him move. Since it's been so early and sporadic, I haven't been keeping track yet. Ben and I thought we both felt him move the night before our ultrasound, but I guess we didn't, so I don't know. I already miss feeling him so very much and ache to know I won't feel him again. However, it was a relief to me to know that there wasn't anything I could have done to help the baby and it made me feel more assurance that this was God's plan for our family.

As Ben and I sat with our baby and said goodbye to him I really wasn't as devastated as I thought I would be. It was extremely difficult but I knew that his lifeless body was not our little Gabriel's spirit which was already gone, but only his body, and I was grateful to be entrusted to help provide that for him. I know that he is one of our Heavenly Father's children and he needed a body to complete his own little plan. For whatever reason, he was just too perfect to need to stay on Earth, with all of the pains and sorrows we face, and I feel honored to be the mother of such a special spirit. I feel blessed to know that he is back in our Heavenly Father's arms, surrounded by so many who have gone before him, including other sweet babies who only had a short time here like my sister, Mary Gwen and nephew, Kye....along with little Sarah and Spencer, and so many more of these precious little spirits.

I am so thankful for my loving Ben, who held my hand through the entire thing, and helped to remind me of the big picture and plan for our family. He was so, so strong and helpful and supportive, even though he was aching through the whole thing too. We never expected to have to go through something like this but I am grateful that we have each other. I'm grateful for my kids who have done nothing but shower me with hugs and kisses and love since I've been home. Even little Alexis has noticed when I'm needing a hug. Although I am severely missing the baby I don't get to have in my arms, I feel so blessed that my arms are still full.

I am also grateful for the wonderful doctors, nurses, social worker, and bereavement specialist that came to help. At first I hated every minute of having them see me so vulnerable but they really were so helpful. The nurse that helped me deliver Gabriel looked, acted, and sounded so much like my cousin, Kristilynn, that I took many double takes when she would come into the room. I truly believe it was a tender mercy to have someone I could feel so comfortable with and she was so wonderful and supportive. Although the Dr. hasn't always been my favorite, he was so sensitive and helpful and has really won my heart over. He was able to reassure me and help me to understand our Heavenly Father's plan for our Baby Gabe. I feel grateful that he has the same beliefs as we do about this. He knew exactly what to do and say to make me feel better. I was also thankful for the bereavement specialist, who was called in the middle of the night to come in and take little handprints, footprints, and molds of our baby's tiny hands and feet and to wrap our baby in a beautiful little blue afghan. It was so wonderful to come home with those little momentos so that our kids feel a part of this whole thing. I know that it will give us comfort to have them when we don't have our little Gabriel to hold.

Thanks to Ben's mom, Cammi, and my parents, who both stayed with our kids while we were at the hospital. It's such a blessing to have them close and to have them love and care for our kids so much. I also appreciate their sympathy as they have all had baby losses of their own, and know that they will miss Gabriel too.

Lastly, thank you to all of my dear family and friends who have left kind comments (especially those who have suffered their own losses), left voicemails, sent texts and e-mails, or dropped by our house with food, cards, and offers of help to show you care. We have truly felt so loved during this difficult time. I'm completely exhausted from the long week and difficult night we've had and still not being able to rest my brain enough to sleep. I'm also mentally exhausted from having nothing else on my mind and I'm still not up to seeing or talking to anybody. I'm just taking it minute by minute right now-okay at some times but breaking down most of the time. Please don't be offended if I don't answer your call or come to the door. It's just still too much for me. Just know that I feel your love and appreciate it so very much.