One Year

So today marks one year since the absolute scariest day of my life-the day my little Nicky lost consciousness for about 20 minutes with no explanation. That day has truly changed me. There is not a day that passes that I don't think about it and there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father a thousand times for letting my little boy come through that okay.

There are times that I look at Nick and my mind flashes back to seeing my poor boy, limp and lifeless in my dear friend, Abby's arms. I think of that awful phone call that I got from Abby that ended with her hanging up to call 911 and those next few minutes as I rushed to her house were so scary as I thought of the unknown. When I got there, right as the police officer did and rushed in to see my boy laying there, gray and lifeless, I was sure that he was gone. I remember asking Abby if he was still breathing. I remember not knowing what to do. I was just lost. The police officer tried the whole chest rub thing that is supposed to alert someone and there was no response and Nick's eyes were rolled back in his head. I remember then that a brother walked in from our ward and I just immediately asked him to give Nick a blessing. That was the only thing that I knew to do at that moment. The EMTs came in immediately after and finally after giving Nick some oxygen, he woke up, so confused and so scared. Ben showed up then and I remember being amazed how quickly he had gotten there and at the same time thinking that those moments that he wasn't there with me were the longest of my life. After the EMTs did their original check, Ben and Brother Shippen were finally able to give Nick a blessing and I finally felt a little bit of peace, although it still wasn't much. My other comfort was Abby, who was truly my angel that day. She did everything right and stayed so calm. I love her so much for it.
They then put Nicky in the ambulance and started doing all the ambulance things-taking his blood, giving him an IV, etc., etc. I sat there and did my best to comfort Nick as he cried repeatedly that he just wanted to go home. There was nothing more in the world that I wanted to give him but I couldn't and it was the most helpless feeling. When we got to the ER, I just remember feeling how surreal the whole thing was. Was I really at the ER with my 4 year old boy? They ran tests for the next few hours and couldn't figure out what was wrong, only that something must be wrong because it shouldn't have happened. When we went to our family Dr. he had no explanation for it either. I think that was one of the hardest things for me. I wanted answers so that I could prevent it from ever happening again.
The next few weeks were awful as poor Nicky, traumatized from the whole thing, hardly slept. He just lay in bed next to me, wide awake. He had more and more tests and I would have to carry him crying and screaming into them. I talked with one of my friends about putting him into counseling as she had done with her son when he had a traumatic injury. Ben and I decided to wait it out and see how it went and bit by bit, he started acting more like himself. He stopped being scared to go places without us, started sleeping in his bed, started being the sweet Nicky that we love so much. He still talks about it often and I try my best to encourage him to get all of his feelings out about it.
We haven't really had any conclusive answers yet but I think we are finding little pieces of the puzzle and those pieces have brought me some comfort. After all of those sleepless nights, I began thinking more about Nick's sleeping patterns. He has never been a great sleeper. He is constantly getting up, climbing into our bed, wandering around at night, etc. I finally felt that the reason that he lost consciousness was that he was simply just exhausted because he wasn't sleeping at night. I mentioned this to the Dr. then but he didn't seem concerned but I did feel great comfort and it made me feel as if that was the answer. After talking to a friend about her little boy I had more insight. Her boy has Restless Leg Syndrome and hence has a hard time sleeping. I then asked Nick if he had a hard time sleeping but he never wanted to talk about it. At the time it would stress him out if I even asked him so I let it go for awhile.
Finally this Fall, Nick started telling me that his legs kick at night and he can't stop them from kicking. When we went to Midway and slept in the same room with him we were able to actually see it. The poor kid is moving all night long. So back to the Dr. we went. Finally my Dr. was on board with me and he ordered a blood test and referred Nick to a sleep clinic. The blood test showed that indeed he is low on iron, which is one of the signs of Restless Leg. We have been giving him an iron supplement for the last month and I really think it is helping him. He seems much more rested, even though we still get those occasional middle of the night visits. We will continue with the supplements for awhile to see how it works before we move onto the sleep clinic. It is so wonderful to finally be getting some answers to our questions and prayers.

The last year has been the hardest of my life. Besides the Nicky thing, so many miserable things have happened to us and others we love. I have never known the most helpless, awful feeling of having your heart ache so badly for someone else and having no way to help them as I have this year. My emotions are always right there, on the surface. I think before, that I would imagine all the worst case scenarios of everything happening, especially to my children, but in my mind I felt as if everything would really be okay. Bad things happen to others, not me, right? But then they do and your perspective changes and then you kind of just expect it. You expect that things aren't always going to be great. You expect the other shoe to drop and with it, the whole world beneath your feet. But at the same time you think that nothing more can possibly happen. The Lord only will give you so much and you feel you're at the breaking point already. While this sounds completely negative, I don't think it always is. I think I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned what is really important. I've learned to treasure those little moments with my kids, especially my Nicky. I've learned just how important cuddling and hugging is. I hold my kids a little longer and try to be more patient with them. I've learned how important it is to tell others that you love them and even more important, to show that love. I've learned that you never know what your last words are going to be to someone so they should be kind. While I know that I still fail miserably at it most times, I think I am striving to be a much better mother, wife, and friend than I would have if I hadn't had this experience and hopefully I will remember this throughout the rest of my life.

The Blue Eyes (as Nicky calls us)