Capture Your Grief Photo Challenge 2012 Days 1-10

October was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In the baby loss community there are different things going on throughout the month in an effort to remember our babies that are not with us. I decided to take part in one that I thought would be healing for me, the Capture Your Grief Photo Challenge created by a wonderful woman who has done so much for this cause, Carly Marie. The project was to capture a different subject about your baby(ies) each day. Some days it really helped me to see how far I've come through this and some days it was still so difficult because everything is still raw and painful, especially since losing Reese. Overall, I am thankful to have done it because every day I got to share something about the babies that I love so much but rarely get to share with the world. It was also helpful for me to see my own friends and complete strangers also participating that were going through the same things as me and feeling the same emotions. I definitely felt less alone in my grief this last month as so many came together to let the world know that they had babies that they loved waiting for them in heaven. I shared the challenge on Facebook since that is where the project was taking place, but now I'm sharing it on my blog. 

 http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

Day 1: Sunrise

My migraine didn't get me up for the challenge today, but I took this beautiful picture of the sunrise on Gabriel's 2nd birthday, August 12, 2012.

Day 2: Before Loss Self-Portrait

This was taken about 2 weeks before we found out our Gabriel had died. We had gone camping with our friends in Fremont Indian State Park and had such a fun long weekend. I remember this day vividly. Gabriel was extremely active and was doing all sorts of gymnastics in my belly the whole time we were camping. I was worn out because he was not making sleeping very easy, especially while camping! Still, I was so happy to be having another sweet baby join our family and his kicks just made me smile. We were so, so happy! This is our last complete picture of our family. We will never have one again in this life.

 Day 3: After Loss Self-Portrait

This is about 2 weeks after Gabriel died. We were up in Yellowstone with friends, a trip we had planned all summer and didn't want to disappoint our kids further by not going. Since we were with friends, I tried my best to put on a good face, but I sobbed every time they weren't near. Every family picture we took felt incomplete. I felt empty. I've always hated this picture. My eyes are puffy from so much crying and I'm trying to learn how to smile again....yet I know that this smile is not my real smile at all.

Day 4: Treasured Item

My most treasured items of my baby boys are the blankets they were wrapped in. I still think of their precious little bodies wrapped up in those blankets and how sweet they were to hold.

I also treasure the molds made of Gabriel's perfect little hands and feet. I wish I had done that for Reese, but last year at the Walk to Remember I saw this pin of tiny feet that were the size of a ten week old. I just knew I needed to have them for some reason. Now, although I don't have Reese's molds, I have that pin to remind me of just how teeny, but still just how perfect, his little feet were. My precious boys were perfect in every way.

 

Day 5: Memorial

Our baby boys' headstone. Gabriel's symbol is the dragonfly and Reese's is the butterfly. It turned out just perfectly.

Day 6: What Not to Say

I've had many horrible things said to me:

"Be grateful for the children you have." Like I'm not. I am very grateful. That doesn't mean I don't hurt that not all of them are here.

"It's God's Will." I already know that. It still is horrible and hurts immensely.

"At least you didn't have more time with them. Then you would have painful memories." I would also have wonderful memories. What I wouldn't give for even one more minute with my babies.

"It's time to move on." I will never move on. I love my babies just as much as I love my living children and I will love them forever. This was especially hurtful when this was said to me less than a month after my second loss. I wasn't even physically "over" losing my baby and yet I was expected to wrap up all my grief.

But the thing I hate the most? Nothing. When people say nothing. This is the most difficult thing in my entire life. My babies are not "nothings".

"There's nothing I hate more than nothing. Nothing keeps me up at night. I toss and turn over nothing. Nothing can cause a great big fight. " -Edie Brickell

Day 7: What to Say

Aside from "I'm sorry" all I wish people would say is my babies' names, Gabriel & Reese.

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, please don't keep me from hearing the beautiful music. It soothes my broken heart and fills my soul with love."

This beautiful necklace was made for me by my sweet friend and fellow baby loss mom, Ashley.

Day 8: Jewelry

I feel a little spoiled here. I have had so many precious necklaces given to me from my husband and living children and also thoughtful friends since losing my baby, Gabriel and now my little Reese. Each time I have received one I have felt so much love and have been humbled that someone would care to remember, especially when they remember their birthstones or their symbols. I wear a different necklace every day and I am always reminded that these two sweet babies of mine, although not here with me, still belong to me. One of the first necklaces I received came with a card that said, "This is so that when you can't hold Gabriel in your arms, you can feel him near your heart." I always do.

Day 9: Special Place

This is Gabriel's Garden. This has become a special place for our family to go to remember our babies. It's beautiful and peaceful. We planted two trees at the time we made this garden for Gabriel, an Eastern Redbud that blooms in the spring and a Japanese Maple that is gorgeous in the fall. Now that we have two babies in heaven, Gabriel and Reese, I'm thankful that we planted both trees. We love our garden!

Day 10: Symbol

We chose our Gabriel's symbol, the dragonfly, after reading the story, The Dragonfly. http://www.steventrapp.com/dragonfly-story.htm Ever since we've seen dragonflies everywhere and we have loved to remember Gabriel whenever we see one. After our little Reese died this year, my son decided that his symbol should be the butterfly, because "Reese was small like a butterfly cocoon and only stayed for awhile until he was so beautiful he had to fly away". You can't argue with such sweetness from a big brother. Since then, we now see butterflies everywhere, along with the dragonflies still. My kids love to include their baby brothers' symbols in our family pictures so that they are never left out.

Our symbols for our babies, Gabriel's dragonfly, and Reese's butterfly