Day 21: Altar/Shrine/Sacred Place
So I don't call this a shrine. To me, it's just the place where we
keep all of the special things from all of our babies. Both my living
children and my babies' have their hand and foot molds displayed as well
as the Willow Tree statues I have to represent all of my children.
Gabriel and Reese's items are on the lower she
lf.
This is where we keep some of the things that were given us in memory
of our babies along with their pictures, their blankets, their symbols,
and Gabriel's Molly Bear. I love that this place isn't just for my
babies in heaven, but also a place I can remember all of my babies and
the blessing they are to me. I am so very blessed to be the mother of
six wonderful children, even if they are split between heaven and earth.
Day 22:Place of Care/Birth/Caregivers
I wasn't sure what to put here. I've lost three pregnancies in the last
two years. They have been the most difficult things I have ever had to
go through, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. They've all been
different, but they've all been completely heartbreaking. With two of
them, I was far enough along that I w
ent
through the labor and birth of two perfectly formed precious little
boys, our little Gabriel and tiny Reese. My doctors have been wonderful,
my nurses were compassionate, but with my losses being so different, I
tried to think how I could best represent the caregivers that helped me
through the awfulness of losing my sweet babies. I thought of my constant through all three losses. My constant has
been my best friend, my husband, my Ben. He has held my hand through
each. He has cried the tears I have, knowing that these babies that we
created with so much love and wanted so badly were not ours to have
right now. He has been there to pick up the slack on days when I
couldn't physically or emotionally do it. Losing a child is one of the
greatest stresses a marriage can go through, but we've done it together,
and we're coming out stronger, more dedicated to one another, and we
know now that we can face anything, together. Ben hates when I get all
mushy mushy, but I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to think
that I have this amazing husband and the most wonderful father of my
children by my side every day.
My kids adore him just as much as me. We love you Ben!!
Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo
Our two precious and perfect baby boys, Gabriel & Reese ♥
Gabriel, born 8/12/10 at 19 weeks
Reese, born 5/27/12 at 13 weeks
Day 24: Siblings
Our best days are the days we do something in honor and remembrance of
our babies. My kid love to remember them, love to celebrate them, and
love their brothers incredibly, even if they aren't here. Not a day goes
by that my kids don't talk about their brothers or cuddle on their
Gabriel and Reese Bears. We've tried to let our kids feel that they can always talk about them. They're a part of our family, now and forever.
This picture was taken at this year's Running With Angels 5k. This has
become a great family tradition for us to run for and with our Gabriel.
The proceeds go to the Angel Watch program that helps provide the sweet
treasures of pictures, hand and foot molds and prints, and counseling
for those that are facing losing their babies or have already. We have
been so grateful for the precious items we have of our Gabriel's.
We were really happy this day. Our precious Rainbow Reese was on the
way and we were honoring Gabriel. Less than a week later we found out
that Reese wasn't going to join us here on earth after all. I'm thankful
for the time we had with him and the joy it brought my kids in those
few weeks of anticipating him. We can't wait until our family can be
complete again. We all love our Gabriel and Reese!!
Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing
Five months ago today was my birthday. It was the most horrible one
I've ever had and hope to ever have. The day before, we had just found
out that our precious rainbow baby, who we had prayed and tried for for
16 months no longer had a heartbeat at almost 13 weeks. Since it was my
birthday the doctor didn't want me to have a D *C
but I was already miscarrying my sweet baby. I was miserable, in so
much pain emotionally and physically. My kids had something at school
that morning so I hauled myself out of bed to go support them. When I
came downstairs I was amazed at all the flowers that had been delivered
since the night before when people had heard the news. I wasn't showered
with gifts for my baby, but I was showered with love from those who
took the time to care. It still chokes me up to see how much I was loved
on such a heartbreaking day.
Day 26: Their Age
I am missing and aching for them so much!
Day 27:Artwork
This beautiful painting, In His Constant Care, by Simon Dewey came out
just a month after my little Gabriel was born still. It has been such a
gift and a reminder of where my babies are and who they are with. In our
home, we have our living children's pictures hanging on the wall and
this is hanging right next to them. I see it countless times throughout
the day and it always brings me peace, knowing that my cherished babies,
Gabriel and Reese, are in His constant care.
Day 28: Memory (positive or negative)
One of the worst parts of losing a baby is that the memories are so
few, and of those memories, they are often filled with so much heartache
that it's hard to see the positive. I wanted to share the positive
though. I've never shared this picture before and I know we don't look
great, but we look real. This was just mom
ents
before we had to say goodbye to our little Gabriel. We were
heartbroken. However, I feel so very blessed to have been able to see
our sweet little boy for the short time we did. We held him, we kissed
his sweet little fingers and toes, and we loved him. It wasn't nearly
enough time, but it was the time we were given, and it was peaceful and
priceless. When we lost our next baby, Reese, we took even more time
with him. I memorized everything about his perfect tiny body. We knew
that every second holding him would be ingrained in our memories
forever. Those moments with my boys were peaceful and loving moments and
I'm so thankful for the gift it was to hold them both every moment of
their lives.
Day 29: Music
Each of our children has always had their own little lullaby that we've
sung to them. We still listen to their songs now even though they're
not babies anymore and it makes them feel so special to have their own
individual song. Gabriel and Reese are no different. Although they
aren't here, we still have lullabies that we sing that remind us of the cherished time we had with them and the tender moments we still experience without them just because they are our babies.
Gabriel's lullaby is Golden Slumbers, sung by Mindy Gledhill:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldx_eCvsrgkhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldx_eCvsrgk
Reese's lullaby is My Darling by Wilco:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYYpDEXPMRM
This picture that I posted are their names written with a line from
their lullabies. These beautiful names were made by Baby Boards and are
such a gift to us.
There are many other songs and hymns that remind me of my precious boys
waiting in heaven, but there are also two specific songs that have
helped me through my grief, one for each of my boys.
The
moment that I found out that Gabriel's heart had stopped, Kite by U2
popped in my mind. I knew, at that moment, that although I wouldn't get
to have Gabriel here on earth, that it was not goodbye. This is my
favorite version of the song, where Bono talks about having to say
goodbye to someone you're not ready to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwMdO3HK_wshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwMdO3HK_ws
The moment we found out our rainbow baby, Reese, was on the way,
Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Iz became his song. We knew that he would
never replace Gabriel, but that he would bring us so much joy. He did
for the precious weeks we got to have him, and he continues to because
he will always be part of our forever family.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1Ihttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I
Day 30: Your Grief-Tell the World
Lonely. That's the word that comes to my mind first when I think of my
grief over losing my babies. This is a very lonely trial. As my babies'
mother, I have a bond that non one else does with them. I loved them
from the very first second I knew they were on their way. I ache every
moment that they are not with me. I unders
tand
that no one else knew my Gabriel and Reese. Besides my husband and my
kids, they aren't really loved by anyone else and their death hasn't
affected anyone else. They don't have a lot of family and friends that
mourn their loss. It's just us, alone. Beyond that, some of the people
that I thought would be the ones by my side during the biggest trials of
my life haven't been there. Some that I felt closest to before my
losses have been the ones to hurt me most or have left me to grieve
alone. I feel like I've lost not only my babies, but also the trust I
had in those relationships as well. This has left me feeling even more
lonely.
Elizabeth Edwards said, " If you know someone who
has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you might
make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they
died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them is that you
remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."
I
wish people would talk to me about my babies, instead of changing the
subject, instead of avoiding me. I wish they would say their name. I
wish they would give me just the kindness of remembering that they were
here, that they are always my children. I know that others don't know my
babies and love them like I do, but I wish they loved me enough to
remember them with me. I wish I didn't feel so alone.
Although no one, not even other parents that have lost a baby or a
child, can understand exactly what I am going through, there is one that
can, my Savior, Jesus Christ. He loves Gabriel and Reese as much as I
do. He has felt all of my pain and all of my heartache. He has suffered
along with me. Through the trial of losing my babies, I have learned to
really apply the Atonement in my life on a level that I would've never
been able to before. I am closer to and more devoted to my Savior than
would've been possible had I never had to truly trust in Him to make it
through the anguish I have felt. There are times that I don't feel Him,
but I know that He would never truly leave me alone. This alone, has
been one the greatest blessings in my life and it came through the worst
trial of my life. I am forever indebted to my Savior for the love that
He has shown to me.
Day 31: Sunset
I love sunsets. I always have. Each one is unique but each one is
beautiful, just like my six children. Now, sunsets help to remind me
that I've survived another day with part of my heart missing since two
of my children are waiting for me in heaven.
It's been 2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days since we said goodbye to Gabriel.
It's been 5 months and 4 days since we said goodbye to Reese.
Every sunset brings me closer to being with them again. I miss and love
my precious baby boys but I know where they are and I know that I will
see them again.
Participating in this project has been
difficult on some days, but healing on so many more. Thank you to
everyone who showed support and love through this difficult journey of
losing my precious little ones. I am truly blessed by your love.
