GratiTuesday

The last few weeks have been hard on my heart as I've watched my two little ones, Kade and Alexis, hurting a lot. Every single night when we cuddle they talk about just how much they miss their little baby brother. It hurts to see them hurting and have no way to make any of this better. I've noticed their sweet faces fill with sadness when they talk about the baby brother that they love but can't spend time with. I've seen their sweet little faithful testimonies pouring out to our Heavenly Father asking for another baby to join our family...while the answer remains no for now. I've never felt so helpless to get my children through something because there are times, and yes, they are lessening, but there are times, that I don't know how to get through this myself. That little baby boy of ours is missed so much by his family.
This thought hit me yesterday as we were out having some fun on President's Day. There were many moments, like always, where I just paused and wondered how different it would be for us to have a little 1 year old tagging along....everything would be a little bit more inconvenient, a little more crazy, and a lot more fun, exciting, and wonderful.

I guess Kade was thinking these same thoughts. As we cuddled last night he told me, "Mom, I really wish Gabriel could have gone with us today." All I could think was "Me too, little boy, me too." I talked to him about how maybe Gabe was with us for some of it. Maybe he was right next to us when we were missing him...maybe he was giving us hugs right as our hearts were hurting for him. I try to tell myself these things when I need them because I know that he is here often, although I wish it was in a different way. Kade is so proud of his baby brother. He told me that he talks about him all of the time at school but that other kids don't believe that he has a baby brother because they've never seen him. I remember having the same kinds of conversations about my sister. It's hard when someone that is so important to you is not recognized by others.

Alexis has been full of so many questions about Gabriel, his life, and his death lately. She has asked me so many questions that just boggle my mind when I think of how old she is. She's so young to be filtering through this thing called death, but it's such a part of her life now. I hope she grows up with a greater understanding for others going through the pain of losing someone special to them. She's also been talking non-stop lately about the baby sister that she thinks she has in heaven. She's always been my little girl that loves babies and would be the best big sister/little mommy. It hurts to know how close we were to having her experience that. She said today, "Mom, why don't we have any babies coming from heaven?" Oh, how I wish I had an answer for her.

So, amid all this hurt, it's still GratiTuesday, so what am I thankful for? I'm thankful for the empathy that I am able to have for my children because I've experienced living my life with a sibling in heaven. It's different because I didn't have to go through the loss of my sister and raw pain when it was still so new to my family. I was born 9 1/2 years after Mary Gwen was stillborn but I know I had a close bond with her in heaven. I've always felt both her absence and her presence in my life. I've gone through all the moments of missing her and wondering how different it would have been to have her here with us on earth. I guess, in a way, I know that is helping me to recognize the pain my kids are experiencing and validate it for them. I know how tough it's going to be for them to always have a brother they don't get to play with, cuddle with, and grow up with, but I also know that they will have a lifetime of special moments with having someone so close to them just across the veil. I know I've felt my sister's hand and influence in my life. I hope that they will be able to have the same kind of relationship with their brother.

We are so blessed to have Gabriel in our family. He's teaching us so many important lessons about the plan of salvation and the importance of eternal families. He is strengthening our faith in God's plan and relying on Him to follow it. For these things, I will always be thankful, even on the days when the ache for myself, my husband, and my sweet little ones, seems so immense. We know who we are, we know God's plan, and we'll follow Him in faith.