I get the question all of the time...how many kids do you have? I always answer 5 because how could I deny that Gabriel is my child? I carried him in my body for 19 weeks, I felt him move, I talked to him, I held him in my arms, I love him. Heavenly Father gave me that incredible little boy to be his mother....and he will always be my child....so of course I will include him.
There's the times when people just count who they see and assume we have 4. I very rarely correct them if they are a stranger who I'll never see again and it would mean an entire story to go into while they are just making small talk. I always feel a little guilty but I hope that Gabriel understands that I'm not forgetting him, because in those moments I can't help but ache remembering that he's still mine, just not for now.
We get a lot of people saying, "Oh how did you get so lucky with two girls and two boys?" or "Wow! The perfect little family." and today I even got "You've got it so perfect...don't go messing with it by having a 5th one." Yes, from a stranger. Ugh.
I wonder if they see the pain behind my eyes. I wonder if they see my little ones flinch and look at me with pain in their own eyes because they know that what may seem like the "perfect family" really isn't because they've got a little brother that no one remembers. Gabriel's a part of our family but it's so hard for people not to see that...and especially harder when the people that know don't even want to see it either. We're really, now and for the rest of our lives, incomplete.
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5 comments:
oh no! that would break my heart every time too! so sorry!!!
Oh Cyndi, I feel your pain. I can freely say four, but when they ask the ages I have to explain it and it hurts. I love you.
I don't know what to say... That is just so heartbreaking. People I worked with told me after having Nadia that I could quit since I had one of each. Ha ha...
You have five children. But four live at home with you. The fifth is in a special place waiting for that reunion with his family.
When Cole goes to college and people see 4 kids, I will still claim him. You can still claim Gabriel. Even just say that you prefer to say 5 kids because his life means that much to you.
I soooo ache for you and Mindy both. Just know that there are people who remember your children and look forward to meeting them someday, too.
-Katrina
Whenever I tell people I have 3 children I too always cringe. I wonder if I should say 4, but then do I really want to tell people my 4th one is in heaven? Also when I do tell people I have 3 Anika sure corrects me pretty quick.
Don't you want to tell people sometimes when they tell you you have the perfect family, " well yes I have 2 girls and 2 boys but I also have a 3rd boy in heaven. YEP I lost my baby at 19 weeks pregnant and I have struggled with depression ever since. Thanks for asking." I guess when some one asks then just give them a huge answer, that will shut them up!! :)
love you!! I promise that some day it does get easier!!!
Oh Cyndi! I am so sorry! That would be so heartbreaking. I know how that feels in a different way, every time someone says wow your Savannah or Xander is so big, or at the playground or a playgroup and the other kids ask me why won
t she talk to me or play with me or the mothers just think it's cute that she goes and plays with rocks rather than with their children, and I am fighting back tears trying to decided if it is worth it to explain why my children are different. or at the grocery store when my children are screaming and Savannah is throwing herself down on the floor kicking and screaming and I have to ignore the stairs of people thinking what a horrible mother, and try to make it until I get to the car to cry my eyes out.I know I can't understand exactly how you feel but, i do feel for you. I love you!
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