Everyone told me that if I could get past the first year I'd feel much better. Gabriel's birthday came and that day I really felt okay. I shed only a few tears and I enjoyed that we were doing something to celebrate his little life. I even had hope that I would be able to get through this and find a place of happiness again. I thought maybe, just maybe, getting through Gabriel's first year was all we needed. Maybe then we would be able to fill this hole in our hearts, even a tiny bit, by having another baby join our family.

The last month I'm pretty sure just about everyone announced a pregnancy. From celebrities to good friends to baby loss moms, to the one person in this world that could make me literally ache the most with their announcement. I hate that others' joy is diminished because of my loss and the fact that they know that we're struggling with infertility. I wish I could just be happy for them without any thought of myself. My happiness for them is always overshadowed by my own heartache and I feel so completely selfish. It's so very difficult to feel that you are doing everything you can possibly do to receive the one blessing that everyone just seems to easily be receiving. Well, it's time for me to stop wishing and hoping. There's nothing left for us to do. After months and months of pleading, we have our answer.

The answer is no.

My heart is broken. My dreams of ever having my arms with a baby in them again is gone. I've shed so many tears and none of it will help, but they just keep coming. I can't even control them in front of people anymore. I am having the most difficult time I've ever had trying to accept that this is what it is. This is the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.

I hope I can accept that someday. I hope that I can find happiness again despite the fact that we can't have another baby. I hope that I can recognize my blessings in the times that my heart is breaking watching the rest of the world go on and being happy and knowing that there is not one thing I can do to change this for our family. I hope that my heart can stop splitting in two every time I hear my children plead for a new baby in their prayers, knowing that Heavenly Father is also answering their prayers with a 'no' too. I hope....but at the same time I feel so very, very hopeless.

I know I'm blessed to have those little ones still in my everyday life. I know I am blessed to have a perfect little boy that I'll have again someday. I know I'm blessed to have a wonderful, faithful husband, who tolerates all of my pain and heartache and loves me despite my deep struggle with accepting God's plan for our family. I'm very, very blessed and very, very thankful. But today I ache for that blessing I had for just a little moment and the loss of the hope to ever feel truly happy again.