I've got to admit it's getting better....

....a little better all the time. (It can't get no worse.)

So, yeah, things are looking up. I've been doing much better and that's good. Not that I've been fantastic...this whole roller coaster thing always throws me for a loop just when I'm doing better...but knowing that makes it better on those days that it just really sucks. I know the awful yuck won't last forever. There will be good days mixed in with my days that I ache for Gabriel so badly. There have even been a few days lately that I haven't cried...wow! That's huge for me and it's a new feeling for me....to know that I can maybe find a way back to that thing called happiness. I think the hardest thing for me in all of this grief has been to learn that I can not control it, even when I desperately wanted to just feel a little bit of happiness, or "normal", or even just feel absolutely nothing at all because that would feel better than the pain and all the awful emotions of losing Gabriel. This quote really hit home with me one day.

"All our lives we receive powerful messages to be happy. Yet sometimes we have to hurt more before we can hurt less. Sometimes the way to feel good is to take the opportunity to feel bad. There is no shortcut around grief."

That's been a major issue for me...the impatience with grief. I have just wanted it to all to go away. I've wanted to go back to being "me" and at the same time, I realized that I am now forever changed, and there's no going back to that person. I guess in a way, I've mourned that loss too. Not only did I lose Gabriel, I lost me...and that is a scary and helpless feeling. I have to admit that I don't always like the new me that much, but I'm also learning that the new me is braver than I believe...stronger than I seem....and smarter than I think (thank you, Pooh). Losing a child has always been my greatest fear and I never knew how I could survive it. But somehow, I have found that I can do this, as awful and painful and horrible as it is. I am surviving.

Passing the six month mark was big. I know every little mark can't be celebrated...or remembered by everyone...but for me, I remember every little one. Gabriel's my baby boy...his life is pretty darn important to me. I'm so thankful for the one friend that remembered me that day. I read that by the six month mark the support drops significantly, and yep, true to the reports, it did. I guess in a way it was good to know that and kind of expect it. I didn't have any expectations of anyone to remember, so I wasn't disappointed when they didn't. But I still have my one friend that did and I was honestly so grateful for that. We celebrated Gabriel's half birthday with some donuts...the kids were happy and yelling, "Happy Half Birthday Baby Gabe!" so that he could hear them as they ate. Later on, with Ben's help, I submitted my story to Faces of Loss. It was so good to do that. It made me feel so much better to know that maybe my story would help someone else. It ended up being a good day...and I felt good.

About a month ago, I was feeling really low and pathetic. I am just so sick of being depressed. I started thinking about what had helped me back when I went through a phase of feeling better and it made me realize that it was back when we were doing our Thankful tree. Being grateful every day really helped me to see the blessings. So, I thought that there had to be some correlation. So I got out an old journal I'd never used, labeled it my gratitude journal, and I started the thankfuls back up...and you know, it has helped, a lot. I think I shared a quote somewhere along the lines of it's hard to say woe is me when you're counting your blessings. It's so true. It's no coincidence that a member of our Stake presidency talked about this a week or so later in Ward conference. He talked about how some study showed the difference between those that listed their blessings compared to those that listed their discouragements. Of course, the grateful ones were more happy. I firmly attest that I've been doing it for the last few weeks, before even hearing this, and that it has definitely worked to change my attitude. Sometimes my grateful for the day is as simple as it was today...a hot shower...but it's amazing how much that one thing can keep you going when you recognize it.

And dare I say it? I'm starting to have hope again. Feeling hopeless was the worst. I never want to go back to that again. But the sun is coming out more, the days are getting better, this is getting easier to deal with, and I'm starting to have faith that good things will come our way again. While I never expect to not miss my sweet baby boy or ache that he is not here, I know that he is where he is supposed to be. I know that he is so happy and I know that he wants me to be happy too. A mother wants to give their child everything and yet there is nothing Gabriel needs from me, except to make it back to our Heavenly Father and Savior, and back to him. I can't do that without hoping for that. I can't do it without trying to do better and be better everyday. I want Gabriel to be proud of the mom he has. I certainly know I'm proud of him. What an amazing example his little life is to me.

"Our children would want us to be vibrant and inspiring in the face of losing them. They would want us to fight our pain with all we've got."

I love you baby boy, and I'm trying. Please help me to fight! XOXO