Struggling

What a roller coaster grief can be. Last week I truly felt better. The things we did to remember and recognize our little Gabriel's life were healing in a way and it was a good week. But somehow, something came crashing down and this week has been just so hard. I've spent most of the last few days holding back tears, near tears, in tears, or sobbing uncontrollably.

I guess one thing I've come to realize is that no matter how supportive some people can be, that I will still be mostly alone in my grief of Gabriel. It's hard to explain but I guess it's that there are those that are able to mourn for me, but not with me, and that is a truly isolating feeling. The nature of pregnancy loss and that the baby is an actual child just is difficult for so many to understand. No one knew Gabriel besides me, who felt him growing and moving, and Ben is the only other person that actually ever saw our baby boy's body. To us, that makes Gabriel real in a way that no one can feel. I get that. But I still wish that his loss was important in a way to those that I love. I guess I feel that they should love, miss, and mourn for him as well and I find that most people just aren't able to feel his loss as a loss to them personally, instead of just as our family's loss. One of my dearest friends did express to me that she felt that Gabriel's life had touched her life and made her a better person. Those words meant the world to me. To actually have someone else besides Ben and my kids valuing his little life brings comfort to my heart.

I've also been struggling with the fact that I have nothing much to show for this life of Gabriel's that has meant so much to me. We have no grave to visit. We have just a few pictures, some footprints and handprints, molds of his hands and feet, and we have the tiny blanket he was wrapped in. I am grateful to at least have something, but at the same time, it's hard to not have more. After 4 1/2 months of having his little body growing in mine, I feel like there should be more and yet there's no way to have more. The tangible things that friends have given me to remember Gabriel have really helped more than I could ever imagine. It seems silly to feel so much comfort from an object but it's amazing how much I've need those things to physically represent him.

Then there's those blasted holidays. I'm struggling so much with them. I want so much to be able to be happy about them, to remember what they are all about, but I just can't. I see them as this looming overwhelming time of aching headed my way. I was so excited about having a baby around Christmas time. It was totally selfish of me, because I knew that it'd be the worst time for Gabriel to have his birthday but I just thought of that first magical Christmas, preparing to have a baby during the time we celebrate Christ's birth. Every year when Ben asks what I want for Christmas, I never know. But this year, it was going to be perfect. Gabriel was going to be the very best Christmas gift I could ever receive.

Gabriel wasn't supposed to just be mine either. When we told our kids and parents about being pregnant, we told them he was their Christmas present. I just feel so disappointed that I can't deliver that now. Skylar's had a rough week too and she mentioned to me the other day through her tears, "He was supposed to be our Christmas present, Mom." My heart was literally breaking for my sweet girl, who was so excited to have this little brother. I just wish there was a way to make this Christmas special for them. I wish we had the money to buy them the best present ever, but I know that there's no present that can replace their brother.

Along the lines of the money thing, this week the bills started rolling in. It's depressing knowing that we are paying for a baby that we don't get to keep. Today, I got one for "induced abortion." Seriously?!? Can't they label that differently? It's such a horrible word to describe the birth of a child that you love with all of your heart and would never, ever want to get rid of. Everything about this is just so cruel.

Needless to say, I'm not sleeping too well. I've always struggled with insomnia at times but since Gabriel died, it has been worse than ever. The doctors prescribed sleeping pills at first but I've tried not to take them. When I do, I just sleep so hard that it's hard to wake up-which doesn't work when you're a mom and have to go on with life, as appealing as sleeping all day does sound. It's so hard to turn my brain off at night and not think about Gabriel and the pain I feel, even when my body is filled with exhaustion. I'd like to just shut it all out and sleep but I can't do it. It's so frustrating.

Knowing all that I do and having a testimony of the plan of salvation is something I struggle with. It's not my testimony that is struggling, but instead knowing that my testimony should make it less of a struggle. I know I should be able to find happiness, yet it seems so unreachable. The other day we were at the store and Alexis pointed to a baby and then turned to me, pointed to my tummy, and said, "No baby in tummy, Mom. Baby Gabe in heaven with Jesus." I know those words should bring me comfort but this week they aren't. I know where Gabriel is, and I know he's perfect and happy. I have faith that he will be mine to raise in the millennium and that it will be such a joy that I have no way to comprehend it now. But I am so impatient. I'm impatient with this unhappiness and this sorrow that I feel now and I'm impatient knowing that I have to wait so long to have him again. I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to make it through a day without crying and aching so badly. I really want to get off this roller coaster and I know it's not happening any time soon. This is the worst.