It will all be worth it

Two months ago today was the day when the world came crashing down for me. It was the day that my doctor, and then the ultrasound tech could not find my baby's heartbeat, and my greatest nightmare had come true. I have always feared losing one of my children and it had finally happened, before I even got to really know him. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt and continue to feel. There are times that I can't believe that it's only been two months because it seems as if I've been hurting forever, but at the same time, every morning the shock of it still knocks me over. I hate this.

I have been trying so badly to follow the prophet's advice and have an attitude of gratitude, but it's been especially hard, since these last two months have been filled with so many more trials than just the loss of Gabriel. The last week has been especially hard. It seems like I say that all of the time, but I guess that's because things just keep on happening and I don't see any end in sight to the disappointments and hardships for us. I'm trying to stay positive, but lately I've been feeling a lot like Job in all of this. I know it's on a far, far lesser scale, but we've suffered through many similar things. First, Job lost his children. We lost Gabriel. Then Job lost his property. While we haven't lost our property, we've had quite a few household disasters with extensive damage-I won't even begin to go into it. Then Job got boils. I haven't gotten boils but the last week I have been in more pain (minus childbirth) and sicker than I think I've ever been. I don't really want to go into it either but I'll leave it at the fact that I've had an extremely painful abdominal infection, almost like appendicitis, but on my left side, that made it so moving even a tiny bit was torture. I have spent the last week laying on the couch, trying my best not to move. One of the hardest things has been that my children still need me and I need them, but I couldn't even hold them in my arms because it hurt too badly. I've been on some antibiotics that are slowly getting me better and some pretty heavy duty pain pills that aid in taking some of the pain away, but mostly just knock me out and make the world fuzzy. I've noticed that even when the pain pills take away my physical pain, it's amazing how much my heart still feels like it is literally breaking. I guess there's no pain pill strong enough for that. So, I've been feeling pretty darn picked on, and at the same time, feeling pretty darn guilty for feeling that way.

In my time of not moving, I've been able to read quite a bit, when I wasn't knocked out from the pain pills. I've been reading in Job so I could see how he was able to get through his trials with a positive attitude. I've read the entire Old Testament before and heard so many lessons about Job and it seems like you always remember just how faithful he was despite everything. But in studying, I've come to realize that Job really did have moments where he just complained. Things weren't fair and he hated it just as much as I do. Some of the greatest people out there complained, even Joseph Smith and Jesus himself. They all asked for the Lord to take away their trials. I feel like all of this time I've been beating myself up for letting myself be miserable and it helped me to realize that it's okay to feel sad and depressed and overwhelmed. It's okay to ask the Lord for an end to the suffering. The thing is to get through it, to endure, to have faith, and to look for things to be thankful for along the way.

In D&C 121: 10, the Lord spoke to Joseph Smith, while suffering in Liberty Jail and told him this:

"Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job."

So this is where my gratitude has lied this week. I have wonderful friends who have helped me, comforted me, and loved me. I'm really not one to ask for help, but I have been humbled this week to the point where I've had to, and my friends have been there when I needed them. In the same day, I had a friend take my kids for the afternoon so they wouldn't be so neglected, another friend stop by with dinner out of the blue, and yet another friend stop by with frozen dinner for another night. Then there's Ben, who is suffering through every bit of this with me, without complaint, and holding the weight of all of our daily things on his shoulders. While I've laid on the couch, he's gone to work every day, fed and cared for the kids, done house repairs, and babied me. If I didn't express my gratitude to my dear friends and my sweet Ben, I would be very ungrateful indeed, so thank you! Thank you!

I don't understand why we've had to deal with all of the things we have. Believe me, I've asked the Lord time and time again why we can't just have a break for a bit but I guess the answer right now is 'no'. It seems as though grieving for the little baby that we wanted so much should be enough, even though I would take all of these trials and more if I knew that in the end we'd still get to have him in this life. When Gabriel died, I remember someone telling me that I'd get so many blessings for being willing to offer him his body to fulfill his earthly mission. Maybe I guess I'm still looking for that, just something to go really well for us, to show me that it's all worth it. There was a day when I was pregnant, and just so miserable, and I remember telling Skylar "Sometimes being pregnant is hard, but it is soooo worth it." I'm trying to remember that even though my pregnancy didn't end with a baby in my arms now, that it does hold hope for me to know that my perfect boy has already completed his earthly mission and is my blessing in the end. Someday I will be with him again and the suffering will all be gone. The key is, just like Job, Joseph Smith, and our Savior, to endure, to have faith, and to look for things to be thankful for along the way. The promise of my baby boy in the end makes this all seem worth it.