Thankful Thursday

I don't know if I'm hiding it very well, but I'm so very depressed. Gabriel will always be the late Christmas present we didn't get to have and this entire season, all about a baby, will probably always just makes me ache for the baby I love so much but didn't get to keep. I miss my baby boy. I wish he was here for his first Christmas, his first birthday, his first everything. This year feels even more hopeless with all the other disappointments we've had in the last year that have compounded my grief. I think it's also harder because everyone else has moved on...the grief far outlives the support, and I know that, but it's hard to not feel like I'm able to move on and find joy again myself. I can't remember the last day that I didn't break down sobbing over and over again just missing Gabriel and especially just missing the life of happiness I used to have. I wonder if I'll ever find my way back to happy again. It's a very hopeless feeling to be so depressed that you can't even begin to know how to make yourself happy. Many would say happiness is a choice, but believe me, if I could choose it, I would've by now.

Yet, I know I am blessed. I feel so much gratitude for the things I have been given, even through the pain and heartache. It's in recognizing all I have that I'm able to keep going when I feel like I can't stand one more second of the disappointments and trials that never seem to go away or lighten. So I'm starting Thankful Thursdays because I desperately need them.

Today, although I don't always know what Heavenly Father's plans are for my life here on earth, I am thankful that I do know what His plan is for me and all of us for the eternities. It makes me want to strive every day to be worthy of what lies ahead in that great eternal plan.

I'm thankful for this video that reminded me today that despite the "dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hopes vanquished" that there is still so much to look forward to: