Quitting

So, today I got released from my calling as Camp Leader. Let me just clear it up for anyone thinking it...and I know some are, since I've already been asked a few times...I'm not pregnant. I'm more of a quitter. Yup, full on a quitter. I didn't ask to be released, but when I was asked if it would make me feel better to be released, I couldn't say no. This has just been a calling I've struggled with from the get-go because of what it entails and the timing and all....and I tried so badly to get into the spirit of it...and I failed.

In President Uchtdorf's October 2010 General Conference talk, he talked about slowing down during times of trials. He said, " One of the things we learn from studying the growth of trees is that during seasons when conditions are ideal, trees grow at a normal rate. However, during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival."

I think one of the things that I was meant to learn from Gabriel's death was this message....to just slow down. I've never been very good at that whole thing. I've always kept our schedules full, very planned, and busy. I've learned through this grief process, that it's entirely necessary for me to slow down. In fact, I feel as if I've almost had to slow down so that I can go anywhere, if that makes any sense. I've had to learn that my energy definitely has had to be concentrated on those things of utmost importance, even like making sure that my kids are cared for and fed, as simple as that should be, but isn't always. The last six months have been so hard and I've just felt like I'm barely keeping my head above the water. The entire time I had the calling it was a such a stress for me, at a time that I just don't feel like I can handle any additional stress. I felt so overwhelmed by all that I had to do and the timing. It's a tough calling that really entails a lot of work and I've struggled to know how I could fulfill it with what I've been going through. As the intensity of camp planning is beginning I've felt even more stress knowing how instead of slowing down when I needed to now, I was actually about to start speeding up with so much to do to fulfill the calling.

For the last few months, the concentration of my calling has been on being the sports director. Although I've felt completely inadequate in that, I have grown to love the girls I've been serving. There were times that I really felt so comfortable being with them, especially on Sundays, and this has led me even more to feeling so worried that I would disappoint them in being their camp leader. The hardest thing for me was the responsibility to the girls of the young women to provide them with an amazing camp experience, and at the time, I'm not feeling too amazing with my ability to do much of anything.

I kept calling this my Abraham calling. We desperately hope to have another baby soon. The timing hasn't been right for that just yet, but it's our plan, and hopefully our Heavenly Father's plan too. This calling just didn't fit in with what we have planned for our family. I kept thinking maybe Heavenly Father just wanted me to show the faith that I can do this calling, that I'm willing to do this calling, and then instead I'll get the calling of expectant mom again. I kept struggling with that though too because I know that the planning for girl's camp happens months before the whole production. I felt guilty that I would instead leave the young women leaders in a lurch as they had to search for a replacement when my new, hoped for calling came. Today, as I was released, and my replacement was called, I knew that she would be perfect for this calling. It was a relief for me to know that she would be able to fill the shoes that I so fully couldn't do. I know the girls will love camp with her...and that's what it's all about, the girls loving every minute of something they will remember for the rest of their lives. I just felt so inadequate at providing that for them.

After I was released, our lesson in Relief Society was about sacrifice, and we talked about Abraham and Isaac and how they showed their willingness to sacrifice. While the lesson was wonderful, I felt pretty darn pathetic about myself. This didn't end up being my Abraham calling because I didn't see it through. I didn't trust enough in myself to do it and I'm disappointed in myself. I wish I had been more able to sacrifice my discomfort and struggles with this calling to really see it through. I took the easy way out....and that's not what this journey on earth is about. The easy won't help me to grow. It won't help me to be worthy of that great prize that my little Gabriel has already gained. I wish I could find a way to be worthy to be the mom of such an obedient and faithful son of our Heavenly Father as Gabriel must be. At a time when I want so desperately to do all I should do to be with my Savior and my Gabriel again, I feel so very inadequate in doing the things I know I should do. This is all just so hard. I wish I knew how to do all of this just a little bit better.