So I got my dream church calling last week. It's the calling I've always wanted, as crazy as everyone says I am for wishing for it. The calling: Young Women's Camp Director. I know, I know, crazy, but I've really honestly always thought this would be the most fun calling to ever have! I have such wonderful memories of when I went to Girl's Camp...even the year where I burnt the heck out of my foot and had to go home early. As a bonus, well, I love camping! There's just not a ton of us women out there that dig it as much as I do. I honestly used to be so jealous when Ben got to go on so many campouts when he served in the young men's. Camping is my favorite!
So, here I am, finally with the calling I've always wanted, and I'm struggling because the timing seems so wrong to me. This is the type of calling that I wouldn't have received if Gabriel was still alive and about to be born and as much as I would love this calling, I would love my Gabriel here even more. Also, it's a calling that I can't keep if we get pregnant with another baby sometime in the next year like we hope to (sorry Ben, cat's out of the bag).
I'm also struggling with the fact that I want the YW in our ward to have as memorable of an experience as I did and I'm not sure if I can do that where I am right now where every day is still so hard for me. I'm still an emotional weepy wreck most days and completely faking it when I'm not. I know it is supposed to get better, but the last few weeks have been awful horrible again with the holidays and his due date being so soon. I am really struggling again. Camp just happens to be the week before the anniversary of Gabriel's death and his birthday. In fact, he probably died some time during that same week. I know I'll be thinking of it and I have no clue where I'll be then in this grief process. What I've learned about this roller coaster of grief is that you never know what to expect or plan. I want to be happy then. I want to be happy now, but regardless of some people's opinion....choosing to be happy and grieving don't go hand in hand. I can't make myself be happy when I am so depressed about my baby boy's death. The wonderful YW of this ward deserve a great experience. I only hope I can provide that I'll be to a place then that I can provide that.
So needless to say, I've been pretty emotional about this whole thing. I just feel so confused by what the Lord wants me to do right now but I do know that this is where He wants me to be. I know that He called me to be the camp director now. I've got something to learn for myself or to teach someone else so I'm here for a reason, even if that reason is to just gain more faith in His plan. I know that He's got a plan for me and I will do my best to follow it the best that I can, with the best attitude I can, even if it doesn't make any sense. I've learned that Heavenly Father's answers sometimes don't make sense and I have to use the faith I have in Him to do what I'm supposed to do. He sees the big picture while I can't even begin to imagine it.
Don't get me wrong, I am excited about this calling. It will be so fun and like I said...dream calling and all! I don't know many of the young women in our ward, but I'm glad I'll get the chance to know them. The ones I do know are so great and it will be so fun to be their camp leader. As for the leaders in the YW, I couldn't ask to serve with better people that I already love, every single one of them. It's like being called to hang out with some of your favorite people and go camping and have a blast to boot. Yay!
P.S. They're keeping me as the Activity Days leader for awhile still so I still get to be with my favorite 8 & 9 year olds, including my sweet Skylar, which I'm pretty happy about because it's been a dream to have this calling too!
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11 comments:
This is what you do....get pregnant and don't tell them until you get back! I would say try to be happy with the calling while you have it and if circumstances change you probably won't be to sad that it did. : )
I am so excited that you were called to be the camp leader!!! You are going to be awesome! I can't wait to start planning camp next year!!! I've found that Young Womens takes your mind off of the bad things and you get to be free and just have fun doing stuff with your friends! The girls are so sweet! They will love you! I love you!
What an exciting thing for you...I know heavenly father is blessing you with something to help make you happy. I wish there was a magic wand to make it all better....believe me I would have used it long ago and been happy to share. But you will be the best camp director and this calling will help you heal. Heavenly Father would not have called you there if he did not have a plan for you.
ok just a thought. you know how you have a craft service project at girls camp? maybe one of the projects you could make blankets for babies who have died to bring to the hospitals. You could do the fleece ones that don't require sewing. that could be one special craft to remember your baby Gabrielle. It might even be special for those girls. You could even have the girls go with you to deliver the blankets after camp.
I think you are going to do a great job!
I totally remember the year you got burned up at Adventure camp. Didn't boiling water spill on your foot? That was the same year I got stung by a bee and my forehead was so swollen! do you remember that? good times! :) We had a good ol time on that adventure camp with your radio and cd's. we were dorks! :)
i LOVED being our ward's camp director. i think you'll do a fantastic job at it and i think you'll absolutely love it too. i say just take it one day at a time. :) good luck!
You're going to do such a great job - the YW are so lucky!! I'm sure the Lord knows what he's doing - if there's one things I learned about callings while in that ward, it's that they are taken seriously and if you've been called, there's a reason. You are going to be fantastic!
You are so awesome! I know the Lord has given you this calling at this time for a specific reason. I've always learned more from the callings that took my by surprise. And I love being set apart for a new calling. Those blessings always teach me so much.
I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I hope you know how much you are loved!
The thing I love about callings is the setting apart. You are given the ability to have the Lord's help with that specific calling. When I got called to second counselor in Relief Society 3 years ago I could not even imagine why. The Lord knows what he is doing and knows what is best for each of us. As hard as it has been for you I am sure you CAN do this job. The YW will learn lots from you. I loved being a camp director. I love the idea about the blankets for little babies!!! Who knows maybe your experience will help one of those YW who may later in life have something similiar happen. We love you!!!
Like I said- you will be great. And I will pray that having this calling will only help you in a positive uplifting way in this grieving process. I KNOW this is right for you right now :) Love you
You'll do great Cyndi. My dream calling is the ward bulletin lady. Still crossing my fingers that it is coming my way.
Cyndi, You will be amazing. If you can't come because you are pregnant then, woooo hoo for you. Just get to know the girls. Even if you just get to come and be in class with us and laugh with us, maybe that's what the calling will do for you. I know Heavenly Father is so aware of you personally and your pain. He wants you to be around all of us who love you. Come in miamaids anytime. I talk about Sarah all the time and have cried many times. It is good for the girls to learn that losing a child at any point is painful, maybe they will be better than some that have been hurtful to you. I love you and so enjoyed you being there today. Come every week. We would LOVE it!!!
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