God is my strength

Today was the last of those significant dates that we had planned for Gabriel's life. Today was the day that we had planned to give him a name and a blessing at church. This is always one of my favorite days in my babies' lives. It is the one day that everyone shows up in their honor to celebrate their new life. I love listening to the blessing that Ben so thoughtfully prepares to give our kids through the spirit. Gabriel never got this day and I know he didn't need it, but at the same time it hurts to know that he was never given a day to really celebrate his little life.

Ben has an annual snowmobile trip that he and his friends go on. When we knew that we had a baby on the way, we decided the trip was out this year since we'd have a new little one. After Gabriel died I told Ben he could still go on the trip because I know how much he enjoys it. I honestly hated the thought of him going from the beginning but when it started approaching and I realized the trip would overlap today I really dreaded that he'd be gone. I knew that he needed to get away though and so I didn't say anything to him about it. I wanted him to be able to go, have fun, and not think about it. I've learned that the anticipation of the day is harder than the day itself, so I knew somehow I'd survive it, even if he wasn't with me.

This morning, I was absolutely dreading going to church with the kids all by myself. I was dreading that someone else would have the chance to bless their baby on the day I wanted to bless mine and my heart was aching at having to sit there through it without my Ben's hand holding mine tight. I knew I had to go though. Skipping church doesn't get me any closer to Gabriel and it doesn't set an example to my other kids. However, I knew that I'd need more strength than my own to go. I often think of Gabriel's name when I need that strength. Gabriel means God is my strength. So this morning, before I could go anywhere I had to call on the Lord for His strength to get me through those three hours. I prayed that somehow one of the testimonies given during our testimony meeting would be the words I needed to hear at this time when I'm just struggling so badly.

Thankfully the Lord heard my prayer and also gave me the mercy of not having any baby blessings. Throughout the meeting, I noticed a theme. Many people talked about God being their strength and the phrase kept resounding in my mind. As I listened to all of the testimonies borne, one brother shared a scripture that I knew was what I needed to hear. It was 2 Nephi 22:2:

"Behold God is my salvation: I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation."

I needed to hear that because lately I've just been lacking in that trust. I've had such fear in what lies ahead knowing that life isn't always going to give me what I've planned. I've even had too much fear to plan much of anything because I'm afraid of being disappointed. I hate to say it, but in a way, I've lost a little of my trust in Heavenly Father's love for me. That seems so downright ungrateful and horrible of me to think that way because I know He does love me, but when you feel so darn horrible, you sometimes forget.

But there are times I remember. There are times that there's just no way I can deny God's love for me. It's in the text that a friend sends just as I leave the store in tears because it's the baby sale and all the cute things I don't need are right in my face. It's in the simple words of a friend saying, "Hey, I've been thinking of you." It's in the friend going out of her way to spend time with me this weekend, knowing it would be a tough one for me because I don't handle alone very well. It's in the friend's arm around my shoulders right when my heart was feeling very heavy. It's in the comfort of my husband's arms when he returned home today safe. I am loved. We all are. Heavenly Father knows what we need and he sends that to us when we need it. Sometimes it's not the happy things that we want but it's always what we need. Sometimes we have to ask for it. I certainly had to today. But the Lord knows us, and He's there to give us the guidance we need if we open our hearts to hear and receive it. God is my strength and because of this, I can make it through this day, this week (the 6 month mark...yikes!), and this lifetime, until I can return to be with Him, our Savior, and that precious baby boy of mine.