My Christmas Box Miracle

On December 6th we went to the Christmas Box Angel memorial service at the Spanish Fork Cemetery, a candlelight service for those who have lost a child. This was something I'd never heard of, but I'm so glad that we were able to find out about it and go. I've found that when we do things like that to remember Gabriel, that it is really healing for me and for my family. It was so humbling to see just how many people there are that have to deal with the pain of losing a little one. My heart was aching for all of them.It was a short program that consisted of some singing and a grief counselor speaking. Then they had people place a white flower at the foot of the angel statue in remembrance of their child. We of course, not knowing, didn't have one. I was so thankful for a new friend that gave us her own white flower intended for her son, for us to lay on the statue, especially when they called up families that had lost a child in the last year to take their flower first. It was such a gift to be able to have a flower to lay down in remembrance of our Gabriel. Kade really wanted to be the one to place it. He loves his little brother so much. I was glad he was able to do that for him. After that they had a candle lighting and moment of silence. It was a wonderful way for our family to have a chance to remember our little Gabriel as the holiday season was getting under way. I hope it becomes a yearly tradition.The statue was so beautiful! It brought me such a sense of peace. I've struggled, especially lately, with the fact that we didn't bury Gabriel. If he had been born just one week later we would have been required to bury him. I was so in shock when he was born that I didn't know what to do and making a decision about his burial was one of the last things I had the energy to do. In the end, we did decide to not bury him ourselves, but it's something I've really had a hard time with, yet there's nothing I can do to change it. I've always been one to not be concerned about where my body is after I die. I'd even be fine with donating mine to science. I won't need it myself, right? But as the person left behind, I've realized that the grave site isn't for the dead, it's really for the living. It's a place where they can go to remember. That has been one of the hardest things for me, especially because I have so few memories of Gabriel and I have so few ways to remember him. Without a grave, that is even harder. That is the entire reason the Christmas Box angel statues, inspired by the book, have been built in many places throughout the country, the first one being built in SLC in 1994. They were built so that parents could have a place to go, to remember, and it touched me so greatly to find a place like that.

I came home that night thinking so much about that statue and wanting to know more. I got online and realized that the Christmas Box angel was all based on the Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans. I'd read the book before. I even own it, but it had been years since I had opened it. I usually pack it away with our other Christmas books and being Christmas time, I was blessed to have it readily at hand. There was a subsequent book called the Christmas Box Miracle, which is about the impact that this tiny little book has had on the world. I ordered that book and waited impatiently to read it. In the meantime, I reread the Christmas Box. I have to admit I was in tears through most of it. I hadn't remembered the story clearly, and now being on this side of the story, as a mother grieving the loss of her child, it touched me in ways I can't describe. It was so good, so healing. When I got the Christmas Box Miracle, I delved into reading it too and was amazed at the impact this book has had on people, especially bereaved parents worldwide. Nothing has made me feel less alone in this than reading those two books. It's so heartbreaking and humbling to know there are so many more out there that feel the same kind of pain that I do.

I have a new habit when I read that was introduced to me by my friend. I'm a sticky note person now. I always have a pad of sticky notes readily available to mark up books with things I want to remember. The Christmas Box Miracle is now covered with many of those little sticky notes at points in the book where my feelings were exactly expressed and my heart was touched. One letter that was written to the author reads:

On December 16, 1994, I labored and delivered a beautiful baby girl whom we named Belle. She was a stillborn. This experience has been and continues to be one of the most painful, intense, and lonely experiences I have ever gone through. In my incredible shock, pain, and grief I somehow survived the Christmas holidays with my children, my husband, and his family. Hearing certain Christmas carols brought me to tears. The pain was overwhelming. Your book helped me with one of my greatest fears. I wondered, will I ever enjoy Christmas again? I will always miss Belle, and Christmas will always remind me of her but I will see joy in Christmas again. Your message helped me to see that. Thank you.

That letter could have been written by me, substituting in Gabriel's name and that his due date instead of his birth was here at the same time as Christmas. I've definitely struggled with the overwhelming pain of this holiday, all about a baby, the carols speaking of a sweet little one sleeping peacefully, and perhaps the hardest thing, that fear of never enjoying this holiday ever again. It's been a daily struggle for me to try to get any joy or hope this year, and yet the message of this book has somehow healed a part of that. The last few days, since I've finished the books and as Christmas approached even more quickly, I've felt some peace again and some inkling of joy in the meaning of this season.

I've been looking for the sticky tab that marked my spot where the following realization hit me with such an amazing force that I was sobbing and haven't been able to get it out of my mind, but I can't find it. But somewhere, I realized something that I don't think I've ever had the capacity to fathom before. It is the abundant love that our Heavenly Father has for His children. I thought, being a mother myself, that I had an idea of this, but I now know that I had no clue. On the other side of this now, being a mother that had to give up a child, I have learned what an amazing sacrifice it was for our Heavenly Father to give up His son. How heart-wrenching, yet bittersweet, it must have been for Him that first Christmas night, to see His son come to earth while realizing that He would be hurt, hated, and killed...and yet He was willing to do that for us, because He loves all of His children. Despite all that pain in giving up His only begotten son, He knew that in doing so, that all of His children would be able to return to Him. I don't know if I've ever fully had the ability to appreciate that gift as I do now. I thought that this year I'd identify more with Mary, anticipating the birth of my son, and instead God's plan for us has taught me to identify more with Him, which is an amazing gift, to know just how truly He loves me, especially at a time when I wasn't feeling very loved by Him at all.

So today, despite all of the pain and hopelessness I have felt that Gabriel is not here, I am also feeling the peace that Christmas brings. Without the birth of our Savior, I would have no hope to be with my precious son, Gabriel, again. I can't imagine going on without that. What a gift this is for all of us and especially for me this year. I'm so glad I realized it before I let this Christmas pass, trying to forget it. It's my own little miracle this year and one I hope to never forget.