It could have been so good.

Today could have been so good. I can't help but think that way. Today was the day, that magical date, that I wanted to have our baby. I thought it would be perfect. After Christmas enough but still before New Year's, and right smack dab in the middle of the kids' break from school. Oh, and it would've kept with our weird birth date tradition. Ben and McKade are both born on the 19th. Nick and Alexis are born on the 20th. Skylar was born on the 29th....and if Gabriel had been born today it would've fit just right. Stupid, I know. But when I got those two lines on the pregnancy test and figured out the due date all those months ago, the 29th was the day I hoped for. I also hoped he would be born in December just for the fact that I like the birthstone better than January's and someday my mother's ring would be so beautiful with beautiful blues and greens....another stupid hope.

All my hopes have now been dashed. I don't even know how to hope anymore for anything. We had so much planned around this little guy joining our family and I don't know how to plan for the future or even look forward to it. I feel like everything that I want is now out of my hands and there's absolutely no way for me to change that. I'm grieving all over again, except this time, the shock is gone. It's all cold hard reality now...and it's horrible.

P.S. I would've totally dug a New Year's baby this year too. Seriously, what's a better date than 1/1/11 to have a birthday? I hope the mommas that have their baby that day think it's as cool as I would have.