I was so glad to get done with 2009...it was horrible. Then came 2010...and the hope of a new baby and then the loss of that precious baby...and it was horrible...and ended up being worse than the year before. Then came 2011....and it's almost been unbearable....definitely the worst year of my entire life. I just feel so very defeated with the trials we have had in the last three years. It seems like one thing has hit after another. I know that the Lord won't ever give me more than I can bear, but often I wish that I was just not as apparently strong as He believes I am.
Three years ago Ben was called to be the Elder's Quorum President in our ward. This is his second time with this highly demanding calling and going into it we knew it would mean a lot of sacrifice for our family. As with any calling, we knew we would be blessed with his service. When he was called, our stake president looked us both in the eyes and told us that some of the greatest blessings of our lives would come from Ben serving in this calling. I've wondered many times over the last three years where those blessings were in all of the trials that we've faced. I know that often some of our greatest trials turn into our greatest blessings. I know that promise of blessings also extends to the eternities. I truly believe that Gabriel is one of the greatest blessings we have ever been given, although his unexpected death and living without him will always be one our greatest trials as well. It is often very difficult to recognize your blessings through your trials, but it is something that I have learned that I depend on to get me through them. Yes, the last three years have been the hardest of our entire lives, but we have also had some enormous blessings.
As we bid adieu to our awful 2011, it's time to reflect on the top ten blessings we also enjoyed:
1. Ben and I have officially spent 15 wonderful years together. 15!! Woot Woot! In fact, today is our 14 1/2 year wedding anniversary. Yes, I count the 1/2! Just 6 more months until our 15th anniversary! I hope we get to do something awesome! We will officially be scuba certified as of tomorrow (pray for my ears!!) so maybe we'll have to include that in the something awesome. It has been so much fun taking scuba diving lessons with my best friend. I'm so thankful that Ben was willing to do it with me. It has definitely been one of the highlights of my year (minus the bleeding ears!). You know one of the things I love the mostest about Ben? After all of these years he still gives me butterflies! Not too shabby for 15 years. I love you babe!
2. Skylar never ceases to amaze us. She has had another great year striving to do her best in all of the activities she has been involved in. She has made the high honor roll and been student of the week and continues to learn Spanish very well. She has loved participating in her school's chorus and has gotten so good at playing the piano that she's far surpassed my measly skills. She's also really excelled in dance this year, trying out for and being accepted as the youngest one in the Jr. Company at her dance studio. She has loved being in activity days, even if I'm not her leader, and goes above and beyond in all the achievements she has to pass off. She is excitedly counting down the moments until she is in YW next year! Gasp! She stays really busy but she's loving it! We love you Skylar!
3. Nickolas is also doing great and is soooo excited that he finally began to lose his teeth this year after such a long wait! He started in the Spanish immersion program at our school this year and he's really doing well and loving to learn to speak another language. He's been involved in karate, baseball, and soccer throughout the year and has really loved each activity. He continues to be the sweetest thing ever with lots of hugs for everyone, especially his lucky mom, who loves and needs those hugs. This next year is very exciting because he has chosen to be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints after he turns 8 in April. We're so thankful for his good choice and his desire to do what is right. He's also made the goal to read the Illustrated Book of Mormon before he is baptized. We love this kid!!
4. McKade is growing up! He got to celebrate his big 5th birthday at the happiest place on earth, Disneyland! He graduated from joy school and preschool and finally got to start kindergarten this year after eagerly anticipating it forever! He loves school and loves to learn, to read, and especially loves having and making so many friends in his class. He did tennis, t-ball, and soccer this year and really rocked at all of them. He is excited to start karate this week and get some new skills. He continues to crack us up constantly with his funny and crazy personality and loves to get a laugh. I always tell him that he's the classic middle child, a title he proudly bears, with a sister and brother older and a sister and brother younger than him. He never forgets Gabriel in anything we do. What a great big brother! We love you Kadybug!
5. Alexis is also growing up, although she still loves to be our baby girl. She started joy school this year and has loved going to school with all of her little friends. Our tiny dancer loves, loves, loves to dance and has loved being in her first dance class this year. She also loves to dress up and dance for us all of the time. We've got a star in the making! Today was her first day in primary as a Sunbeam. It was very, very hard for Mom to see her littlest one here looking so big because I'm definitely not ready for this stage, but Alexis is so eager to be in Primary and loves to learn about the gospel. Little miss sassy is also loads of fun and continues to be such a joy to our family. She definitely rules the roost as our princess. Everyone caters to Lex because she's just so darn cute! We love you Louie!!
6. Gabriel has continued to be such a blessing in our lives. We love the moments that we can feel his presence in our lives and the strength he gives us to go on without him physically here. The days that we spend remembering and honoring him are always our best days. We were so thankful to everyone that joined us to celebrate his 1st birthday. The love and support we felt that day has been such a blessing to us. We are so thankful for our little boy's amazing example and for the desire he puts in our hearts to strive to always be better so that we can be with him again. We love you little Gabriel!!
7. Our awesome Disneyland trip was such a highlight of the year. We loved being able to go to continue in our tradition of celebrating 5th birthdays there with Kade being the guest of honor this year. We also had the chance to go on a whale watching trip (minus the whales, but lots of dolphins!), Sea World, and Universal Studios. We were blessed to get a condo through my dad's timeshare right on the beach. I was in absolute heaven as we fell asleep to the sound of the surf every night. It was awesome!
8. Ben's job has been such a blessing to us during these hard economic times. We've unfortunately had many years of job insecurity with the companies he has worked for in the past. It was always such a burden to not know if he was going to get paid or if his company would even be in business from day to day. The job he has now at Solution Stream has been wonderful. They treat their employees very well and the company is very stable, which is such a great sense of peace to us. Ben has had the opportunity to do many different things and they truly value his work which is great. We feel very blessed that Ben found this job when he did and that it has worked so well for him and our family.
9. My calling in Young Women has been such a blessing. My patriarchal blessing states specifically that I will serve in the presidencies of the young women. I've always felt like this is where I was meant to be and have actually been greatly anticipating the time I would be called to Young Women. I served in three different capacities in the Young Women during the year of 2011....first camp director, then Beehive advisor, and now the Beehive Counselor. It has been wonderful to feel like I'm just where I'm supposed to be, even if some of the circumstances in my callings have been hard for me to bear. I love the girls that I serve and the amazing example they are to me. I'm sure I am learning from them much more than they are learning from me, but I hope that I can be the leader that they need.
10. We have truly been blessed with amazing friends. I'm so thankful, everyday, for the gift that my friends are in my life. There are so many that have been there through the good times and the bad. I know that I never would've been able to survive the last complete year without Gabriel without the help of my friends....the visits, the hugs, the e-mails, the texts. So many have truly been there right when I needed them. We have also had some awesome good times with our dear friends and created some wonderful memories that will last us a lifetime.
So once again, the blessings we enjoy definitely make up for the trials we've had. I am so thankful for that, but still, I'm more than ready to say goodbye to 2011.
Welcome 2012!!!
We are very hopeful that this will be a great year for us!!
I have actually been pretty emotional about getting this bunkbed for our boys. Yes, emotional over a bunkbed...tears over a bed....it just sounds silly. However, the week that Gabriel died, we were right in the middle of switching the kids' rooms all around...the girls moved into the smaller room and the boys moved into the bigger room....so that we could make room for our precious baby on the way. It was going to be a tight squeeze with three kids in one room and the only way we could do it was to get the boys a bunkbed. We had already been shopping for the last month for one, checking every yard sale, every ksl listing, and every furniture store. The time had finally come for us to go get it the very next Saturday and the boys couldn't wait! Then that Monday, we found out the devastating news that the baby that the whole room was being planned around was not going to be coming home with us. The crib went away, the baby stuff was all packed up, and the room that the boys were supposed to share with that baby brother became a very hard room for me to even go in. Every time I would look where Gabriel's crib was meant to be and my heart would literally break. It took quite a few months for me for me to stop crying every night as our family gathered for family prayers, stories, and cuddles in the boys' room.
