Pictures of You

Three months ago tonight I gave birth to our precious baby boy, Gabriel. He was perfectly formed, just tiny and lifeless, with that darn cord all twisted up. The last three months have been so hard. I've missed him every moment and wondered at times how I'd go on without his presence in my life. About a week ago, my friend told me that when I'm really feeling low, to picture him by my side. I've tried, but I've struggled knowing how. I just don't have much to go off of. I do have a few pictures, but he's dead in them and they break my heart to look at them at times. At the same time, I am glad I have the pictures. I know that I've been blessed to be able to see my baby and hold him in my arms. Most women that lose a baby don't ever get that. It was amazing and horrible at the same time. I read in a book:

"The loss of a fully formed, visible, touchable child often is so sudden and so overwhelmingly traumatic that its impact is similar to that of a catastrophe-a train wreck or a fatal explosion."

That's how I've felt these last few months. Traumatized. But I don't want to think that way anymore when I think of Gabriel's birth and holding my dear son in my arms for the little time we were able to. I want to think of how much love we had for him while holding him. I want to think of how Ben and I were there for each other in our greatest time of need. I want to think of how Gabriel's tiny body was so perfect. I want to think of the incredible gift that our Heavenly Father gave him in letting him have that body. I want to think of the incredible gift that our Heavenly Father gave me in letting me provide that for him. I want to imagine how happy my sweet boy is in his heavenly home right now, his earthly mission completed.

I've been trying really hard to think of him in the most positive light that I can. It's hard not knowing how to imagine him as a living spirit, but I want to at the same time, because I know he is alive, just not the way we even have the ability to imagine. I've read that his spirit is that of an adult, which makes imagining him even more strange because I, of course, think of my baby as a baby, and it'd be hard to imagine him as anything else. I've been thinking a lot about what he looks like lately. I wish so badly to have a picture in my mind of this child of mine that I love so much.

In the song, Pictures of You, by the Cure, there's two stances, the first and the last, that come to my mind:

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real.
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel.

There is nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There is nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart, my pictures of you.

I feel like those words are exactly how I feel when I think of our pictures of Gabriel. Sometimes they are all I can feel and some days they are all I have. I feel like I try so hard to find a way to remember him through them, but it doesn't work the way I want it to, because they are not how I want to think of him. I really want to think of him as the living spirit that he is, not the lifeless pictures that I have.

But I really am thankful that I have any, even if there aren't many, because in a way they validate to me that he was real, as strange as that sounds. I'm usually the first to post pictures of anything, but I've hesitated with sharing anything of Gabriel because of the situation. But he's my son and I love him and while his death makes me sad, his short life also brings me joy, and I want to be able to share that about him. So here, on the three month mark of my Gabriel's birthday, I'm ready to share a few pictures of him.

We have the pictures of me pregnant with him. We don't have much because of the few rare pictures I allow to be taken of me while pregnant, I always strategically place a child in front of my pregnant belly so I don't look so huge. I am shocked at myself for even being willing to post this. I am just not one of those cute pregnant ladies and I hate to show them to anyone. I only have one of just me and Gabriel though:We have the last family photo with him in it when I know that he was still alive, kicking away. You can see him just above Skylar's knee:
We have his ultrasound pictures. They're not great and it's hard to see anything much, but I'm glad we have them. In my despair of finding out that his heart was not beating, I didn't think to ask for any pictures. I couldn't even bring myself to look at the screen. Later, I was so upset about this, because I just wanted to see him while he was still a part of me. While I was being induced, my sweet Ben went to the Radiology dept. and asked them for a copy.We have some pictures that Ben and I took in the hospital. We took only a few, and none where you can really see Gabriel, only the shape of him in his little blue blanket. I hate those pictures. Ben and I look so broken. But here is one of just Gabriel and the box that they sent home with his things:While not pictures, we do have his handprints:
and his footprints:Thankfully, the bereavement counselor took pictures that we didn't want to take. About a week after Gabriel was born, it hit me that since we didn't take pictures showing him, I would never have a way to really remember what he looked like. I panicked. I was so upset, but there was nothing I could do. The next day, like an answer to my prayers, the bereavement counselor called to say that she had taken some. What a gift that was to me. Even though they are hard to look at sometimes, they do bring me great joy to see what a little miracle his tiny body was. The pictures aren't fantastic, they're a little blurry, but we have them. Ben and I have decided that we will only share one with others. The one of his perfect teeny tiny feet with all 10 little toes. Amazing, huh? So there you have it. Our pictures of Gabriel. Not much. Just a few. It's easy to see why I don't have much to think of when I think of him. Something I read said that when you want to imagine your baby, to imagine placing him in the arms of the Savior. I don't think it's a coincidence that just after reading this, about a week after Gabriel was born, and after a really tough day, I opened a magazine and saw this amazing picture:
I don't think there's a word that describes the awe and love I felt looking at this picture, especially in that moment, when I needed a tender mercy. It's a brand new one called In His Constant Care by Simon Dewey. In my own selfish thinking, I know that this beautiful picture was painted just for us since it came out just weeks after Gabriel died. It is exactly how I want to think of our sweet Gabriel, since I can't imagine him any other way. I love the look of reverence that Christ has for the baby and the pure joy expressed in the baby's face. That baby actually looks like our babies do, even down to that little chin that all of our babies have had. Gabriel had that chin, just a teeny version of it. I can't wait for the day (hello Santa?) when that most amazing portrait is hanging in our home, next to the pictures of all our other babies. It will be our "picture of Gabriel", reminding us that he is in the best of care, and that someday, he will be in our arms again. On those hard days when I need Gabriel near my side, this will be what I will picture in my mind and I don't think it could be more perfect.

Loving you and missing you today and always, sweet Gabriel. We are three months closer to being with you again!