I'll give myself the 9th.

I've decided that I'm going to give myself the 9th. It will be my day of each month to feel absolutely miserable and heartbroken and be okay with it. The 9th of August was by far the worst day of my life. It is the day that we had that horrible ultrasound that showed our baby was dead. Since we don't know what day he actually died, I'm letting that be the day be the day of his death because that is the day that the world came crashing down for me. He was actually born three days later-the most awful three days I've had to go through because I knew I was carrying my dead baby. He was born on the 12th. I've decided that I won't let that day be a bad one anymore. It will certainly be a day to remember, but I'm going to remember it as our day with Gabriel. It's the day that I got to hold my baby and love him for awhile before I had to really say goodbye. It's the only earthly day I had with him, outside my body, so I will cherish that I at least had that day.

So today was the 9th and it was rough. Today was 3 months, a quarter of a year. I can hardly believe it. I tried to have a normal day for my kids. I'm getting better about not letting them see me sad all of the time. I can't wait for nap time, when I can take a few minutes to let my pain out. I hate the days without nap time. Anyway, today in the car on the way to the dentist, Gabriel came up. I told the kids that it had been 3 months today, and Nick, who rarely says anything negative about Gabriel's death, and often mentions when we'll see him again so happily, said, " I wish that day had never happened. I wish he wasn't dead, Mom." Me too, buddy, me too.

So we went to the dentist and you'd think that'd be a safe place where you don't grieve over your baby but a memory hit me. Just 6 months ago at the kid's dentist appointment I remember having just found out that we were pregnant. It was those first few days when you're just so giddy with joy and your brain is just thinking baby, baby, baby, baby! I remember seeing a little baby there, with curly black hair, about 5 months old, and thinking that in a year from that appointment I'd have my own sweet boy about that same age. That was the moment I just knew that Gabriel was a boy...and I was so happy. It's crazy how much your life can change between dentist appointments, right?

So after the dentist appointments, I was in a worse mood. We came home, did homework, cleaned up, I was making dinner, Skylar was practicing piano, the boys were fighting and screaming, Alexis (who is beginning to potty train) had an accident, and blah, blah, blah. I was just miserable in the moment and I just couldn't wait for the day to be over. I was trying to figure out what the heck I would be able to put on our thankful tree that night at the dinner table after having such a blue day. I decided I'd just be glad that the kiddos didn't have any cavities. There, I was thankful, even when I didn't want to be. But I guess the Lord loves me because when I walked to the kitchen sink and looked out the window, there was beautiful Mt. Timp all lit up in shades of pink. It was beautiful! When Mt. Timp looks like that, I know that the sunset is spectacular. So, I grabbed the camera, and ran outside to catch these amazing shots:And I was thankful for that amazing sunset. As I walked back inside, I heard Skylar playing one of my favorite hymns, O My Father, and I was thankful for the words that came to my mind that brought me comfort in that moment. Then I thought of all of the other things I was thankful for today. I was thankful that a friend was kind and sensitive enough to send me a personal e-mail before announcing she was pregnant on Facebook. I was thankful that a friend who was at my house took the time to talk to me about my disappointment and dread of Christmas coming without my baby coming too. I was thankful for another friend that texted me right as I was bawling my eyes out during my first chance of the day to do so (naptime!), just to let me know she was thinking of me. I actually had so many thankfuls today!

So I know that there will be many more 9ths of the month. I know that there will be many more days that it will all hit me again and the day will be awful. I know that I will never stop missing my baby and aching for the day when I'll see him again. But I also know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that even on those days, He'll find a way to show me.