Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

I have a diagnosis and a heavy heart...but there is hope. Keep your fingers crossed. 

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for Spring Break and that it allows me to have so much fun with my kids. I'm just plain exhausted after this week, which is a good sign. I love those littles of mine!!

Happy Birthday Mr McKade!!!!

It's GratiTuesday and I can't help but be humbled and full of gratitude that this kid gets to be mine:

 Don't you just want to eat him up? Those chubby cheeks and big brown eyes make me swoon. Back when he was a baby I would always say he was a sad soul because he never smiled. We've figured out that it was because his cheeks were just too darn heavy to do so because now he smiles constantly! 

 Our Mr. Kade is such blast to have in our house! Really, this kid is just such a fun one and he always keeps us smiling and laughing. He's such a goofball, is so full of energy, and just excited about every single thing (minus cleaning up his room). I sure do love my Mr. McKade and am so thankful that I get to be his momma. He's been my very favorite surprises ever! Happy Birthday Kadybug!!!

GratiTuesday: He knows

It's been a very long and lonely three years of feeling like this....

    Today, after seeking for answers, I got the slightest sliver of hope....but I didn't get as much as I wanted and so I doubted even that sliver. In tears, I turned again to the sweet notes my visiting teacher and others made me for something, anything to boost me up. I read,  Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

   I am thankful for the reminder that He knows just how I feel, He knows the answers and can direct me if I seek them, and He has the hope I need, even when I lack it.

GratiTuesday: Spiritually: I smile

I've been in such a rut lately. I've totally felt like this:

 

Except I'd switch the spiritually and physically around, because physically, I'm pretty banged up, which is making it hard to smile and I do kind of feel like death....although I'm sure death doesn't ache so bad. Haha.

Spiritually, although I feel at a loss of what I'm supposed to do with my life right now, I am thankful that I can still find a reason to smile (even if it's hard!) because I know who I am and I know God's plan....his eternal plan. I know the things that I am supposed to do to please Him and I'm trying my hardest to do those things. That's what keeps me going, knowing that even if I feel like the above in all other ways, my Heavenly Father knows what is right for me and my Savior knows exactly how I feel. Even if I don't have the things I desperately want right now, I know I have better things waiting for me and I'm praying every single minute for the patience to endure well enough to get those things....even if I have to wait a lifetime....I know they're coming. I guess, that's reason enough to be extremely thankful and I am. It's a true blessing to know who you are and to know there's a plan. I am grateful every single moment for that knowledge...and gratitude always seems to help me in my ruts. I'm thankful to have GratiTuesdays back.

Sticking Around

Well, I guess I'm sticking around. Thank you to those of you that left comments to let me know that you're still here. I'm thankful for the dear friend that reminded me I wouldn't even know her without my blog, I'm thankful for the friend that found comfort during her own miscarriage that she felt she couldn't share about, I'm thankful for the friend who I haven't seen in years that wants to know what my crazy old family is up to, I'm thankful for the friends that said their testimonies were strengthened by my faith in my trials, I'm thankful for the friend who has completely different trials than I do but was helped because I shared my own, I'm thankful for the friends that said I was amazing for being brave enough to share, especially when I really don't feel that way at all, I'm thankful for the friend who found courage to share her feelings on her own heartaches on her blog, hoping that she could help another too, and I'm very thankful for the strangers that commented....the ones that had found comfort and encouragement in their own heartaches....without ever having met me. I guess if I can help one person to get through losing a baby, to know that they are not alone, or to give them hope through their heartache, then this blog is worth something. Because, the truth is, I'm doing it. I'm surviving. This is the worst nightmare ever, but somehow I'm doing it. I've survived 2 1/2 years without my little Gabriel and 9 months without my Reese. Although some days seem absolutely hopeless that I'll ever feel the happiness in this life that I once did, I know that I will make it, and that one day I will have all my babies in my arms and it will be nothing short of amazing!

Should I stay or should I go now?

So I haven't felt much up to blogging lately. I actually haven't felt much up to do anything, but I thought that I'd have all of this time of not being able to do anything that would give me the chance to catch up on my blog. Obviously that is not happened since I'm feeling in a rut with this whole blogging thing. In fact, I'm wondering if I should do it at all.

   Soon after I started my blog, I knew that there was more to it than just a chance to document the goings on of my family. I realized it was an opportunity to share my testimony about the gospel of Jesus Christ and my belief in the church that I belong to, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Elder M. Russell Ballard reaffirmed that when he spoke about the importance of blogs and using our voices on the internet by saying, " You have a great opportunity to be a powerful force for good in the Church and in the world. There is truth in the old adage that “the pen is mightier than the sword.”  In many cases it is with words that you will accomplish the great things that you set out to do."

    He went on to say, "Now, may I ask that you join the conversation by participating on the Internet to share the gospel and to explain in simple and clear terms the message of the Restoration. Most of you already know that if you have access to the Internet you can start a blog in minutes and begin sharing what you know to be true. You can download videos from Church and other appropriate sites, including newsroom.lds.org, and send them to your friends. You can write to media sites on the Internet that report on the Church and voice your views as to the accuracy of the reports. This, of course, requires that you understand the basic principles of the gospel. It is essential that you are able to offer a clear and correct witness of gospel truths. It is also important that you and the people to whom you testify understand that you do not speak for the Church as a whole. You speak as one member—but you testify of the truths you have come to know."

  That is what I've tried to do. I've kept my blog public for this reason. As I hit the greatest trials of my life, the loss of my sweet little Gabriel....and then my little Reese, I continued to keep it public. I was very open with my heartache over their losses, but I've also tried to share that I have a strong testimony in the Plan of Salvation and that I have no doubt in my mind that I will see my babies again.  It has been very therapeutic for me to get out my feelings. Rereading over those feelings I wrote when Gabriel died have helped me get through losing Reese so much. I've always felt that if my words helped just one person, even a stranger, then I was helping. When that one person was me, I was so thankful that I had written it all down.

    Now my blog is not my personal journal.  I have one of those that I keep and record the things that I have found much too sacred to share with very many people. Without sharing too much, I will say that without a doubt in my mind, I have felt my babies, literally felt my babies, by my side. I know they are there when I most desperately need them the most. I have known people that have lost loved ones and prayed for this kind of experience and yet have never received it. I feel incredibly blessed to have had these sacred experiences, but I will leave it at the plain and simple truth that my babies did have spirits that continue to still be a part of our family....now and forever.

   When I lost Reese, actually while I was in the very middle of my excruciating and heartbreaking labor with Reese, I got a text from someone I considered a good friend. It said, "Don't let this define you." I was just blown away at those words. I still think of them every day and hurt. How could I not let these experiences define me? I know that they are not all that I am, but they are such a part of me. I am daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am a daughter of my earthly parents. I am a wife. I am a mom. I am a mom to babies in heaven. These are all things that define me....now and forever. I have now been pregnant 7 times....3 times in the last 2 1/2 years. I have 4 living children here. How could almost half of my children not being here not contribute to defining me?

   Knowing what people expected of me, even these good friends, I've tried to put on a good face. I've tried to "get over" this, to move on, to be strong. I know it will never happen. I know I will only get through this. A friend of mine recently wrote on her blog about her own miscarriage, "Sometimes moving on implies forgetting, but we definitely haven't forgotten." How can you forget and why would you ever want to? Of the three babies I've lost, I've held two of those sweet perfect bodies in my own arms. I've marveled at their tiny features, their 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, their resemblance to my living childrens' & my husbands' features, and I've just loved them, just like any of my other living children. I love my babies. I truly, truly do and every day, every single day, that I can not be with them is heartbreaking. I've learned enough with Gabriel's loss and the separation of time from it, that it won't always be completely excruciating, but because they were part of me, they will always be a part of me. I don't expect to ever be "over this", even at age 80. I expect, just like Emma Smith, the wife of a prophet, at the end of her life, to eagerly be anticipating the reunion with my babies soon.

   I know I've made people uncomfortable by being so open with my grief and my love for babies that they would just like me to just forget about. I've actually seen people go out of their way to avoid me...like crossing the room kind of thing. People don't talk to me anymore at church and running into someone is always uncomfortable. Some of the people that were closest to me in my life before Gabriel died are now only acquaintances at best. Some of my heroes before have now proven that they aren't worthy of that title. This doesn't make them bad people, just people that I can't allow to hurt me anymore. It's sad, but it's okay too. I have been able to realize who my true friends are and who will be there for me and honestly, that has been a gift.

   So here's the point, I'm thinking about going private on this blog because the fact is, I will continue to write about my babies.....all of my babies. I will continue to ache for the ones not with me and I will continue to let them contribute to defining me, because they are part of me forever. People don't have to read it, but someone is reading it. I have at least 50 page views a day according to my stats. I get all sorts of unwanted spam comments and because my comments have to be approved, it's annoying. I rarely get comments from friends anymore so I don't even know if friends are reading or if it's just complete strangers or robots or whatever. Are you reading friends? Do I even have friends anymore? On the other hand, I worry that maybe there's a stranger out there that is reading my blog and has felt validated in their own feelings of loss. Or maybe there's someone out there that has been touched by my testimony of the gospel, despite my trials, because I can truly say that I believe it with all of my heart. Maybe when they hit a life-changing trial, they will know where to turn for peace. Strangers, are you out there too? Am I helping anyone?

  I'm asking friends and strangers alike to comment on this post. I won't publish any comments at all. I just want to know if there is anyone that is getting something out of this blog staying public? If not, I don't see the point in even doing it anymore, except doing it privately, where I know that the people I approve to read won't judge me. I've wanted to help someone and I know I have done that, even by helping myself....maybe that's all that needs to happen anymore.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”                            -Stephen Chbosky

  

A Weird Place

Yeah, this. This is just how I feel:

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/01/a-weird-place/

LOOK

ONE LITTLE WORD:

"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything"

Last year I chose a word of the year, BE. 

http://www.2djs1mc.blogspot.com/2012/01/be.html

I thought of it throughout the year as I somehow survived one of the hardest I've ever had to. Yes, 2012, the year of heartache, hope, and then shattered dreams once again. I know for most people an early miscarriage might not be a big thing, but after waiting so long for our rainbow baby, it hurt me immensely. We didn't expect to get pregnant and in fact, had been told it probably wasn't going to happen. Although it was what I ached for more than anything, I was coming to terms with it. Then in late January, it happened....for a day, we were having another baby. I thought that maybe 2012 would be our year. Then it was gone. Everyone said that it was okay, that it meant that we could get pregnant, that there was hope, but it still hurt to know that maybe that was our only chance, and I grieved, hard, and almost entirely alone. It was confusing too, because as early as I was, we didn't really think of that baby as having it's spirit yet. In a priesthood blessing, I was told I'd have my babies (plural) to raise in the Millenium. I just accepted that Heavenly Father knew what was meant by that. I was promised that I'd have more babies to raise here on earth too....and I hoped.

Then, almost immediately, we were pregnant again. I was amazed. There was hope again. The blessing I had been given was coming true. I was having another baby that I had been promised to get to raise. A new pregnancy, a new life, a rainbow with a heartbeat and an active little body....a perfect lifeless body that I would hold in my hand just a few weeks later and ache for, another loss to survive, another chance at happiness gone for the rest of this life, another very unexpected disappointment because after all, I had been promised. In so many ways the loss of my little Reese was a million times harder than the loss of Gabriel. Of course, most people wouldn't think that, but no one could even imagine the miracle that baby boy was, the hope he brought after such a long time, and the complete heartache his loss brought to all of us. All I could do for the rest of the year was to concentrate on that one little word I had chosen for the year....to be.

After all I had learned since Gabriel died, I knew that I could survive, if I chose to. So I did. I tried. I existed, I made things happen, I occupied my life, I went on as things had before. I did all of President Hinckley's bes, I was grateful, I was humbled to my core, I was courageous, and somehow I was happy in so many aspects. I did it. I survived. I survived the lonely months of grieving, although they are still not over. I survived the heartache of baby announcements and births without letting jealousy consume me and instead really genuinely being happy for those who were blessed with babies because I had been reminded of just how happy I had been when I was. I survived the two due dates for the year, the holidays without my babies here, and the heartache of ending the year I had two losses, knowing that 2012 was the only year I could say that I had two chances at hope, even if that was gone. I survived the hardest year of my life. I did it with the help of my amazing husband, my sweet little ones, and my two angel babies holding me up. I survived it with the few friends that are still there for me. I survived it by knowing that in reality, my Savior, alone, had survived it with me. I couldn't have done it alone. I survived. I was (which is another form of be).

Now, a new year is here and it's time for a new word. I've been bed-ridden for the last little while....more on that later...and as I've laid here without much to do but think, I thought it would be so easy to come up with a new word. It hasn't. I thought about hope. I am trying to be hopeful, but I'm not quite ready to even expect that hope will stay, so hope was not the word. Last night my new word hit me, either in a dream or in those moments of subconsciousness that I've been experiencing because of being bed-ridden and heavily sedated. But it was there and it was clear and it made so much sense then. My new word:

1. to turn one's eyes toward something or in some direction in order to see: He looked toward the western horizon and saw the returning planes.

2. to glance or gaze in a manner specified: to look questioningly at a person.

3. to use one's sight or vision in seeking, searching, examining, watching, etc.: to look through the papers.

4. to tend, as in bearing or significance: Conditions look toward war.

5. to appear or seem to the eye as specified: to look pale.

Now, in the light of the day and a much clearer head, it doesn't make as much sense and I can't as eloquently write my thoughts down as they ran through my head last night, but I know that this is my word. Like last year's word, it is a verb and requires action but I love that it also requires choice. I have to choose to look, and so I will.

I will look at the present and enjoy it. It might not be what I envisioned in the past, but I am learning to accept that this is my life and although the things that I have been through in the last few years haven't really been my choice and I wish with all of my heart that my present was different, that I can still enjoy the true joys I have now if I will remember to look for them with a grateful heart. For me, being grateful really helps me. A friend and I have already challenged each other to look every single day for God in our lives and we've been reporting to each other how we've seen God each day. It has been a wonderful thing so far and I'm so excited to do it all year. I have a beautiful and blessed life and I will treasure every single moment.

I will also look to the future. Like I said, I'm not in a stage of real hope yet. I honestly have no clue what our future will bring. I have the promise of that blessing, but I know not all promised blessings come true. I have to accept that my future just might not include another baby. It's obviously not happening again and I have to be okay with that. I have to find hope in other things. I have to go on with the life and the children that I do have and plan a future without more babies. Of course, we'd welcome that chance again, but I'm not holding my breath anymore, so I will look towards the future with the hope that things will go the way the Lord has planned. I know that no matter what, whether in this life or the next, I have so much to look forward to already by simply being the mother to those two boys that have gone ahead. The future is as bright as my faith and I know it will be wonderful because Heavenly Father has promised it.

President Uchtdorf wrote in the December 2012 Ensign, "The things we hope for are often future events. If only we could look beyond the horizon of mortality into what awaits us beyond this life. Is it possible to imagine a more glorious future than the one prepared for us by our Heavenly Father?" 

I know that I must also actively look and learn in the gospel. As Nephi was told to look to see what his father before him had seen, I will look also for understanding in the gospel and in His plan for me. As the people of Moses were commanded to look and be saved, I will look towards what I know will help me, the gospel, to get me through the hard things. Alma also talked about looking. He said, "The way is prepared, and if we will look we may live forever." (Alma 37:46)

One of my favorite Conferece talks in recent years was by Carl B. Cook in which he talks about looking up.  Here is a link to it:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up?lang=eng&query=up+b.+%28name%3a%22Carl+B.+Cook%22%29

I've been blessed with a wonderful husband that reminds me of this all of the time, to just look up. Although he thinks I never listen, I do. This year I will concentrate on looking up, looking for God in my daily life, looking at the now, and looking forward with faith and hope in the blessed life we have been given.

See, Ben, I might be stubborn, but I'm always listening and I'm finally looking!!

Welcome 2013!!!

I am welcoming 2013 with open arms and a heart full of hope! Although the past few years have brought me more heartache than I could have ever imagined, they have also been filled with the joy of my greatest blessings...especially the two precious boys that I will have forever and will hold in my arms again. I am thankful that those years of pain are done but I will always be thankful for what they have given me...the lessons I have learned, the strength to do hard things, the growing love I've had for those who have been there for me, the gratefulness for the relationship I have created with my Savior by really needing to depend and trust in Him, and the amazing promises to come of true joy and happiness. Welcome 2013!! May you bring many more blessings for all of us!!

New Year, New Hope

I remember that I declared 2009 the "Year of Suck". The years since have only gotten worse and have been the most heartbreaking of my life. I'm beginning to think that maybe I broke a mirror or walked under a ladder or something and that the whole "7 years bad luck" thing is in full force. The good thing about that is that with 4 years of heartache, I'm half way done! I am just hoping that 2013 brings a little more kindness than the past years have. If I've learned anything in the past 4 years, it's that I can survive my greatest nightmares and that I can do hard things!! Here's hoping that the blessings of 2013 will outweigh the trials for all of us!! Happy New Year!!

Baby Reese's Due Date

Saying goodbye to Reese

I never posted this, but decided that now, on the eve of Reese's due date, I would. Oh how we miss our little baby boy.


One of the blessings of Reese's birth was that we had his teeny tiny perfect body, which wouldn't have been possible had I had a D&C like we had planned. We decided that our family needed the closure we didn't get when we decided not to bury Gabriel and we decided to bury little Reese. We thought it might be unusual to do so, since he was born at just 13 weeks, but as we met with a few cemeteries trying to decide where the perfect place was, we were told that this is becoming more common as families are burying even the tiniest of babies because of the closure it provides the grieving families. We prayed about where would be the best place for Reese to be laid to rest. We really loved Provo Cemetery's Baby Land, where so many sweet miscarried and stillborn babies are buried all next to each other with a beautiful angel statue looking over the tiny graves, but we decided that the best place for us would be Orem Cemetery, since it is close to our home. We found the most beautiful spot that the kids all love and I know we were guided to bury him where we did. We felt so good about making this decision for our family.

We wrapped Reese in a blanket made from material that the kids had actually picked out for the blankets that some of my baby loss mom friends had made to donate to the hospital. We then placed his little body in this beautiful box, which has had a special meaning to us. Every year for Christmas, we have the tradition of acting out the Nativity. Each year, this box has been represented as one of the gifts given to the Savior by the Wisemen. Reese was due at Christmas time and how we longed to have him here this year to be part of the Nativity. My extended family had already talked about how precious it would be to have a live baby this year.  Instead, our little Reese has returned to our Savior. He was our gift for those 13 precious weeks and now he has returned to be a gift for Christ himself. This box just seemed like the perfect tiny coffin for our sweet boy.

Of course, to bury Reese, we needed to buy a bigger coffin. While it was still tiny, it had so much room in it because of how little he was. We decided to add a few things to it. All of the kids drew pictures and wrote notes for their baby brother. They had prayed and wanted this baby of ours so badly and this was a great gift they could send with him. Skylar was having a very, very difficult time with this and didn't want to be photographed. 

Since we didn't bury Gabriel, we decided that we would dedicate the grave to both Gabriel and Reese. We put in both of their ultrasound pictures.

We also let the kids pick out some teddy bears to place in the coffin.

My six babies....

All of us....

McKade and Alexis placed Reese's tiny coffin into the larger coffin. They took such great care of their beloved baby brother's coffin. The other items were added, we sealed the coffin, said a family prayer, and headed to the cemetery to bury our baby boy.

We had a small graveside service. It was only our family and our bishop, who was so loving and supportive of us burying little Reese. He knew that our entire family needed the closure that would come from laying our sweet baby to rest.

Nickolas, McKade, and I each took turns reading this beautiful version of I am a Child of God....

I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms
One bright Celestial day.

Ben said an amazing dedicatory prayer and dedicated the grave as a place where we could go to remember both our precious baby boys, Gabriel and Reese. Then we said goodbye.

Although we had to pay for burial costs, we were blessed to have a monument company, Memorial Art Monument, that volunteered to donate a gravestone for our babies. This is one of the greatest and most selfless gifts I've ever received. They were able to put both Gabriel's and Reese's names on it. We also put their symbols on....a dragonfly for Gabriel and a butterfly for Reese.

   The kids helped us to pick the design and were very excited for the day that the marker would be placed. We went a few times a week to check. Just a few weeks after Reese was buried, the monument company called Ben and told him it had been placed. We didn't tell the kids and just headed to the cemetery to see it. Their reactions were priceless as they all ran to the gravesite to see their baby brothers' gravestone.

We are so blessed to have this beautiful resting place for our little Reese and it has also been wonderful to feel we have a place dedicated to Gabriel's memory too. It has been a very peaceful and  perfect place to remember our sweet boys....too beautiful for earth....whom we love and miss so much.

Trying To Touch Heaven Week 4

11/23: Ben-warm home, Cyndi-Nick, Skylar-late overs, Nick-Mom (awwwwww), Kade-breakfast sandwiches, Alexis-"breakskiss samwiches" (obviously they were a hit)

 I'm thankful for my biggest baby boy, Nickolas Duncan. He is such a sweet kid, full of love and compassion for others and every living creature. He has a great imagination and is very creative. I'm so proud of his desire to be baptized this year and to always strive to choose the right. I'm thankful for the many hugs he gives me daily that keep me feeling loved. I even love the cuddles he gives me in the middle of the night when he wedges his entire body under mine so I wake up in pain (like this morning!). He has promised to always let me rock him back and forth, back and forth, and that as long as forever, my baby he'll be. I'm holding him to that, even when I'm old and frail! Today he came to me and said, "Mom, is there anything you need help with besides me giving you some cuddles?" He's a keeper. I love you Mr. Duncan!!

 

11/24: Ben-cleaning, Cyndi-double date night, Skylar-clothes, Nick-video games, Kade-BYU Basketball, Alexis-BYU basketball

  I'm thankful for date nights with my Benny, especially when we barely squeeze one in. I'm even more thankful for double dates with besties, The Tongs. It's awesome to have such great friends with such great memories of fun times! We had a great time going out for dinner as couples (and of course we didn't take pictures!) and then taking the kiddos (who are cuter in pics anyway) to the BYU Basketball game. We had a great night!

11/25: Ben-tithing, Cyndi-Jesus Christ, Skylar-singing, Nick-basketball, Kade-Christmas trees, Alexis-candy corns

I am thankful for my brother, my friend, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. When I feel completely lost and lonely, I know that He always knows exactly how I am feeling. I am thankful for His Atonement and that He loves me enough to have already gone through all of my trials for me and now He goes through them with me. He aches and cries with me as well as feels the joys and triumphs I do. I can't imagine my life without Him in it and I am eternally thankful for that.

"While the Lord clearly promises, “In the world ye shall have tribulation” (John 16:33), life’s challenges are rarely the same for you as they are for me. I can also acknowledge that you have challenges that I will likely never experience, challenges and crosses that will be just as stretching for your soul as mine are for me. I can resist the temptation to assume the role of the Master Physician by announcing to you in your despair, “Be of good cheer” or “I understand just how you feel,” being aware that it is from His voice that you and I both need to receive this message if we will be healed. He is the only one who truly understands our sorrow. Only He has felt our personal pain. "
-Camille Fronk

11/26: Ben-lunch with his ladies (me & Lex), Cyndi-Alexis, Skylar-Christmas trees, Nick-naan, Kade-Gordon (his BFF), Alexis-spinach

 I am thankful for my sweet sunshine baby girl, Alexis. This girl of mine brings so much happiness to our family. She is crazy and cuckoo and almost always smiling, laughing, and happy as can be. I hear I used to be exactly like her once upon a time. She's a sweetheart and is always willing to share her cherished blankie for a cuddle and some love. She's a proud big sister, a role that she takes very seriously, even though her baby brothers are in heaven. She never lets us forget Jesus, Gabriel, and Reese. I love her sweet testimony of the plan of salvation at such a young age and the faith she teaches me. The last four years of her life have been the hardest of mine, but I know she was sent to us as a gift to get us through our trials with her bright smile and adorable personality. She is truly a treasure of a girl. I love you my sweet Lexi Lou!!

11/27: Ben-my boys, Cyndi-modern conveniences, Skylar-sweatpants, Nick-Dad, Kade-razors, Alexis-Christmas

   I'm thankful for all of the modern conveniences of life....computers, the internet, cell phones, ovens, microwaves, Kitchenaids, Blendtecs (I love, love, love my green smoothies!), dishwashers, refrigerators, washing machines, dryers, cars, toilets, hot showers and so many more. I know I can do hard things, but I'm so thankful that these things make so many things on my to-do list a million times easier!!

11/28: Ben-my girls, Cyndi-true friends & texting (I started doubling up since I was running out of November!), Skylar-slippers, Nick-rice, Kade-hair, Alexis-Santa 

 I'm thankful for true friends....the real friends that are there for me, to laugh with me, to cry with me, to listen to me, to remember with me, and who will love me no matter what. I'm thankful for the friends that love me enough to send me a message, a text, or a hug, even from a distance, just when I need it. I'm thankful for the true friends that are there by my side, even when that means it might be hard or uncomfortable for them. I'm thankful for the friends that inspire me to be a better person because they are better people. I have been truly blessed to have the awesome true friends that I do. You know who you are and I love you!!

"A true friend is willing to take us the way we are, but is still able to leave us better than he found us." ~Marvin J. Ashton

   I am soooooo thankful for texting!!! Honestly, I could not live without it. That is a challenge I will not even attempt. I know it's totally anti-social, but an actual phone conversation is rarely convenient for me, so I'm kind of a texting freak. I'm thankful for my awesome texting friends that know this about me and are always just a text away.....an especially huge thankful to those who I have over 1000 text conversations with. You know you have a true texting friend when it reaches that high. :)

 11/29: Ben-my beard (which got a major trim), Cyndi-being a stay at home mom & alternative and modern medicine, Skylar-nature, Nick-the moon, Kade- Santa Claus, Alexis-reindeer

Today I'm thankful to be a stay at home mom to these 4 crazies. It's the best job I've ever had and also the busiest. I am thankful that it affords me the opportunity to be here for my kids when they need me, to help in my kids' classes at school (getting a hug from your kid at school in front of all of their friends has to be one of the greatest things), and to take a long and much needed nap with my little Lex because we didn't quite get in enough cuddles this morning. I'm thankful for the job that my husband has that allows us the freedom to have me be at home. I'm thankful that he's always supported me in doing so. I know it's something that not everyone is afforded and I count it as a great blessing. I am in awe at all the mommas out there that have to work and still be a mom. I'm exhausted enough just doing this. You're amazing!!

 I'm thankful for alternative medicine and modern medicine. I'm thankful that through alternative medicine with essential oils, all sorts of supplements, and visits to my amazing voodoo chiropractor I'm finally feeling better after months of feeling miserable. I'm also thankful that I'm finally getting my big fat neuroma cut out of my foot in a couple of weeks. It will be awesome to walk after years of hobbling around in almost constant pain. Of course, the recovery is going to suck and it will be majorly inconvenient, but when is foot surgery ever convenient? I'm just glad it's finally happening!!

 11/30: Ben-Heavenly Father & Jesus, Cyndi- 5 thankfuls today!!, Skylar-holidays & birthdays, Nick-the Thankful Tree, Kade-Autumn, Alexis-toast 

Thankful #1 of the day.....I'm thankful for a nice clean home that invites peace and the Spirit. I love Fridays for this reason! I'm self-admittedly OCD when it comes to a clean house because really, it stresses me out to live in chaos. I can't think or truly relax unless it's somewhat orderly. You know what it says about cleanliness? It's next to Godliness, and heaven knows I'm striving for that. I'm also thankful that when my house is clean, we can feel the peace we are always welcoming here so that we can feel our babies near....I think they like our house to be clean too....because when it is, I know they're right by our sides, helping us to do better every day. "Because someone we love is in heaven, we feel heaven in our home."

  Thankful #2 for the day....I'm thankful for cuddles and hugs. I know, it sounds majorly cheesy, but honestly they go a long way to help a hurting heart and bring some extra loving to our family. I'm thankful that I have a family of cuddlers (minus one who is finally starting to come around!!) and a king size bed to accommodate us all so that every morning is a major rush to get out the door since we've spent too long cuddling. It's worth it!!

 Thankful #3 of the day....I am so thankful for music in my life. I'm a huge fan of so many kinds (minus country!!). Music helps me get through my tasks, my trials, my everything. In a way, Ben and I wouldn't even know each other without music and it's definitely been one of the passions that we share. I'm also thankful for live concerts and super thankful that we get to go see the Killers in concert tonight! There's not much more I love than a live concert, especially when they're far and few between these days. Whoohoo!!

It was such an awesome concert! We had killer tickets on row 10. I love the Killers!! 

Thankful #4 of the day.....I am thankful for living prophets and apostles that help me personally every day. I am thankful for how easy it is to access their words and messages just when I need them through lds.org or mormonchannel.org. I seek out some of their goodness every day. I know that my Heavenly Father has helped to have these things available right when my heart needs them. I am thankful that He is not silent and that He can guide me through His servants. I am especially thankful for this video today, that helps me to remember daily the many, many blessings that God has given me:

http://youtu.be/DF01BQAcj8E

Thankful #5 of the day....the last thankful for the month. I am so thankful for our family tradition of concentrating on our thankfuls each and every day for a month! It really helps me, especially at a hard time of year for me, to see just how many wonderful things my family and I have to feel gratitude for. I love watching my kids get so excited about adding their thankful each day to our thankful tree and seeing how the tree just blooms with blessings! This month we have had some hilarious additions such as sweatpants, popcorn, sneezes, and everyone in the whole wide world!!...as well as the ones that really are our most precious blessings....the temple, the gift of the Holy Ghost, the Book of Mormon, & Jesus, Baby Gabe, & Baby Reese. We are a truly blessed family!!!

Trying to Touch Heaven Week 3

I've been trying to get this posted for a few days now but I ran out of room on my google account to post pictures. What?!!? Anyway, I found a way to do it and now I can post away!! Whoohoo!!

Here are the kiddos on Thanksgiving today....our tree so full!! 

11/16: Ben-weekends, Cyndi-Skylar, Skylar-Reese, Nick-watching movies, Kade-Skylar, Alexis-Soffee (our poor cat that just died) & Catter (our other cat)

 I'm thankful for the lovely little lady that made me a mommy, my sweet Skylar. She's growing up way too quickly, but in losing my sweet little girl, I am gaining instead a best friend who is an awesome young woman! Skylar is blessed with a passion for life and the confidence to do whatever she sets her mind to, which is a lot! She is very talented in all she does and I admire her positive bubbly attitude and her desire to do what's right. I love you Sky!!!

 I'm adding a thankful today. I'm always thankful for a much needed girls' night out, but I'm especially thankful for it when it's with soulmates. :) Thanks to my dear friends, Kris & Danielle, for the good times, listening ear, & helping me decide to be in a good mood...at least once in awhile. "Why can't you just be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in awhile?"

11/17: Ben-Date day (me too!!), Cyndi-us, Skylar-technology, Nick-pizza, Kade-Daddy's B-day, Alexis-pizza

 Nick took this awesomely blurry pic of us. How cute are we?!

 I am thankful for us. Fifteen years ago Ben & I were in California at a restaurant and some guy walked by and said, "You two look so in love. Don't ever ruin it by getting married." He was shocked when we told him we already were. Here we are, all these years later, older, grayer, and maybe a bit wiser....but still so in love. I'm thankful for our marriage, our family we've created, our awesome memories, our many inside jokes, and our wonderful life that we've made together. We have had our trials but we've also had enormous blessings...and we've done it all together. I love you babe!

11/18: B-shrimp & salmon (birthday dinner), Cyndi-Gabriel, Skylar-music, Nick-Poppa, Kade-birthdays, Alexis-shrimp (even though she doesn't like it) 

 Today I am thankful for my cherished little Gabriel. Today I woke up especially missing him. Not everyday is like that anymore as some of the ache has turned into a bittersweet longing, but today it hurt. In church I watched as my friend's  sweet 2 year old wrapped his arms around her neck and I wished I had Gabriel's almost 2 year old arms wrapped around my neck. In those moments of ache I know that he's not far away and although I can't physically feel his arms, I know that he's there, helping his momma get through these difficult days. Although I miss him every day, I know that he's where he's meant to be and I know that he's doing what he needed to do. I'm thankful for the valiant boy he is and the amazing missionary he must be. I know he's taught me so many things in the last two years without him here in my arms, but instead in my heart. I know our family is strengthened because of him. It's a special thing to love someone on the other side. I have grown so much and I want to be better and do better every single day. I hope that one day, when I see him again, he will be as proud of me as I am of him. I love you, my little Gabriel, every single day!

 "I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for His comfort that comes through His plan; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Comforter, who is the Holy Ghost.

What a glorious blessing this is in our lives. Wouldn’t it be tragic if we didn’t feel great sorrow when we lose a child? How grateful I am to my Father in Heaven that He allows us to love deeply and love eternally. How grateful I am for eternal families. How grateful I am that He has revealed once again through His living prophets the glorious plan of redemption." -Elder Shayne M. Bowen


 11/19: B-birthdays!, Cyndi-Ben!!, Skylar-holidays, Nick-Dad, K-shrimp, A-turkey

  Today was my favorite person in the whole world's birthday, Ben!!! I know that I always gush over how great this guy of mine is and how much I adore and love him, but that's because it's true. I won't do it  because he's not a fan of it (plus I already did some gushing on the post just for his birthday), but I will say that this amazing man in my life is one of the greatest blessings I could ever have dreamed of. He is my thankful each and every day, now and forever.

11/20: B-running, Cyndi-Joy school, Skylar-school, Nick-books, Kade-the Tongs, Alexis-balloons 

  I'm thankful for Joy School and for the cute little turkeys I've had the pleasure of teaching over the years. It has been a true blessing that I've been a stay-at-home mom so that my kids and I could have the opportunity to take part in the Joy School program with so many amazing friends. This might be my last year of Joy School and I will truly miss it. Thank you to all of my awesome friends that have taught my children the joys of this world and have trusted me to teach their children too.

11/21: Ben-reunions, Cyndi-eternal families, Skylar-temples, Nick-Grandma & Grandpa Jensen, Kade-houses, Alexis-Grandma & Grandpa Jensen

I am thankful for the greatest blessing of the temple, eternal families. I am so blessed to have been able to go to the temple to see my dear friend's beautiful baby girl sealed to her and her eternal family this day. I am thankful for those same sealing covenants that ensure that my husband and our six precious children are a forever family. What a priceless gift eternal families are!

11/22: Ben-family, Cyndi-Heavenly Father, Skylar-dance, Nick-football, Kade-Thanksgiving (or Pranksgiving, as he decided it should be called), Alexis- breakfast (breakskiss) 

  I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who gives me every single blessing that I have. I struggle feeling His love so often but when I look around and see just how many blessings I have, I know He must love me incredibly. I have so very many to be thankful for and although I remember that everyday, I love that Thanksgiving gives me the opportunity to particularly concentrate on them and express my gratitude more. I am especially thankful for my most cherished blessings, my six little cuties, four here on earth, and two here in spirit, and my amazing and wonderful husband, Ben!!