GratiTuesday

Today I just want to lock myself in my room and cry all day.....because all week long I've forced myself to get out of bed every day and be a part of the world, despite the pain it brings. I know the best thing to do is to get out and about and "move on" as so many would think I should, but I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything without my heart being ripped open again and again as I see all the people out there with their big round bellies, or their babies in their arms, or their families looking so complete. I know I don't know complete strangers' stories, so I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe they are finally pregnant after a long battle of infertility, or that they are holding their precious rainbow babies in their arms, or that maybe they've just gone through some horrible trial and that baby was their first hope at happiness again. But then I just ache to think that I was so close to that....my rainbow baby was there one day.....and just gone the next...and I can't help wondering why I didn't get blessed to keep him? Why couldn't my family have these blessings of these babies now instead of having to wait, yet again, for this blessing that we've waited for, prayed for, fasted for, and ached for? I know there are no answers in this life, but some days it just aches incredibly to have to go through this pain again. I know that there's blessings in this though....if I'm patient and endure. It's hard to think of doing that some days though for even one more moment let alone a lifetime.....but I know they are there so I guess I just have to endure. I know what a blessing it is to have my babies waiting for me, but right now those blessings in disguise are hard to be patient for when I have this incredible ache to hold them and have them now. I've been studying the gospel about patience and praying for it to endure all of this, because there's really nothing else I can do. Today, I'm thankful for those blessings that are promised someday if I have faith and endure to the end. But there are days that I have to agree that I'm also beyond ready for some blessings that aren't in disguise either.